Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Fear of leaving childhood behind

For many years I have felt fear upon waking. My coping strategy for the past few years has been to sit up in bed and do noting practice or other meditation. This is very effective at allowing the uncomfortable sensations and thoughts to pass. Affirmations can also ease the discomfort. During the first few minutes of meditation or affirmation practice, strong sensations course through my body.

The thing I don't like about these strategies is that they require me to leave the coziness and warmth of lying under the covers. I've tried many a time to do these practices while lying down, but I just don't seem to have the concentration while lying down.

Today I tried again, but made a special effort to listen to the child self. As the strong sensations arise, she says, "Don't! I don't want to wake up! I want to be asleep! I'm afraid!" I look at the sensations and notice that they are not unpleasant. They remind me of anger, fear, and desire, all at the same time. I sense that what comes to the fore is desire and that I am afraid of the desire, afraid of the repercussions of acting on it. Also when I observe the desire I experience vague images of shooting out into space very fast and then being sad that I have left my childhood behind.

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