Two insights

In this post I will describe two of the insights I experienced, and explain what a meditative insight is.

I had several insights into my habitual patterns of thought. One was this: sometimes (or perhaps usually), when I am neither happy nor sad, but just have a neutral emotional state, and my mind is idle, I react to this with the following thought: "Hmmm, nothing seems to be going on. But I know that there must be some kind of problem or danger somewhere. I will set my mind to look for it." I then review my environment for something that needs fixing, and/or review my recent actions critically to find something I could conceivably regret or be unsure of. And I always find something.

When I noticed this, I at first could hardly believe it. But when I saw it over and over again, it became clear why I never feel at peace in my life!

I was able to notice this because, on retreat, one's mind is very quiet, and one is not very busy, so thought patterns that are usually obscured by constant activity become noticeable. Also, on retreat we try to practice mindfulness constantly -- we try to be aware of everything we are doing, as we are doing it, rather than daydreaming or planning. Of course, the many hours of formal meditation we do each day contribute both to the quietness of mind and to the skill of mindfulness.

Once I saw this, I chose to be on the lookout for its occurrence so that I could practice changing the habit. I'd be walking down the hallway to the dining hall, for example, and I'd notice my mind jumping to criticize my past actions (did I embarrass myself in my last teacher interview? was I a slacker to choose walking meditation instead of seated meditation during the last meditation period? etc.). That was my clue that I might have just had a moment of neutral emotion combined with an idle mind. I'd then review the previous few moments and realize that, indeed, my mind had been idle and I did have a neutral emotional state, and indeed, that I perceived this as a signal to look for problems.

Now I will describe a second insight, quite different in nature: an insight into the reality of my impending death. This one occurred during a meditation session. I was practicing anapanasati meditation, trying to keep my attention on the breath as it entered and exited the nostrils. However, I was sleepy, and my mind wandered quite a bit. Once it drifted to an image of my grandmother's kitchen as it was when I was a child. Then, the following thought entered my mind: that kitchen does not exist anymore! It only exists in my mind and the minds of my relatives! As vivid as it is, it does not represent anything real! Then, in my mind, I saw a kind of vertical timeline, with earlier times toward the top. At the top was Grandma's kitchen, and it rapidly dissolved from top to bottom. Next was Mom and Dad. They dissolved, too. Next was my lifetime. It, too, dissolved in an instant. And all of a sudden it became clear to me, in a new way, that one day in the next few decades I was going to disappear without much of a trace.

In Buddhist thought, there are three concepts we must fully grasp in order to end our own suffering: impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and "not-self". These three concepts are grasped through meditative insight. I had just had an insight into impermanence. Meditative insights are a kind of direct knowing, and much more impactful than insight gained through intentional reflection--although reflection is valuable, too.

I don't know exactly what happens in the mind to create this type of insight, but here is how I think of it: this knowledge is in our minds already, but it is normally hidden by various kinds of mental activity. It is hidden because we don't like to look at it. It reveals itself when we are ready to look at it, and when our minds are still enough to uncover it.

Insight into one's own death may sound depressing, but I experienced it immediately as quite uplifting and motivating.