Emerged

I emerged yesterday from my two-month retreat with Pa Auk Sayadaw at the Forest Refuge. This was a much longer retreat than I'd ever done before, and it was very, very tough. I suffered a lot. If I had known how tough it would be, I never would have done it.

What did I carry away? Experientially, I learned a lot about samadhi, or meditative concentration. Anapanasati meditation (attention on the breath as it enters and exits the nostrils) was my main practice for the first 6 weeks, and my mind became more concentrated than it had ever been. With the help of this concentration plus heightened sensitivity of mind and body due to silence, I experienced a number of insights about the ways my mind creates my own suffering. The insights seem to have the potential to bring significant freedom to my life, and I may write more about them later. Acceptance of my own death increased, starting with an involuntary insight (which I also may write more about) and continuing via intentional reflection on death. Through the evening talks given by the assistant teacher, Venerable U Jagara, through my own reading in the library, and through talking with other retreatants at retreat's end, my knowledge and understanding of Buddhist theory and practice increased. Finally, via the school of very hard knocks, I learned how to pace myself on a long retreat.

Much of my suffering resulted from a lack of confidence in myself coupled with an intense fear of straying from rules and teachings. This difficulty was magnified by the austerity and incompleteness of the instruction that was given. I also drove myself too hard, despite making a firm commitment from the start to be gentle with myself. It was tricky because I had a goal of mastering a deep state of concentration called jhana, and in order to even attain jhana, one must be exert a great deal of extended effort while simultaneously staying happy and relaxed. A tall order! But I had attained jhana -- imperfect jhana -- multiple times on my last retreat. I thought it would not be difficult to re-attain and perfect the jhana on this retreat. I was wrong.

I had a couple of rapturous, as-good-as-really-good-sex meditation sessions, each lasting a couple of hours. I'd never experienced meditation quite that pleasurable before, and it was very fun and completely fascinating, but incidental to my purpose.

Although I never perfected jhana, my mind did become really concentrated, and during the last two weeks I applied that concentrated mind to the practice of insight meditation, using the mindfulness of body practice of Mahasi Sayadaw that has been my main practice for the last ten years. I practiced mindfulness on the cushion, in walking meditation, during forest strolls, and in daily activities such as walking to the dining hall. And it was in this way that I received insights about how my mind works.

As with any meditation retreat, the benefit to my experience of daily life will become apparent only after months, or perhaps may never be clearly discernible. Today, my first full day on the outside, I've experienced some new freedom from debilitating mental habits. However, I always experience greater freedom the week or so immediately after a retreat. It's as yet unknown how much, if any, of this freedom will be permanent. It is so delicious, I almost dare not hope that any of it will last.

I intend to expound on some of these topics in the coming days. Meanwhile, I welcome comments and questions. I most especially welcome extremely naive, "stupid" questions from people who think they don't know anything about meditation. Please don't hesitate to ask anything at all.