I haven't been writing. But my explorations have not diminished in intensity. Every so often I feel disappointed that I haven't been recording my explorations. I have more free time than ever before, but somehow writing has not occurred.
The morning negativity still happens every single day, and even more intensely than before. It often awakens me as early as 3 a.m., or perhaps even earlier. I rarely look at a clock when it happens; I usually stay lying down with my eyes closed in a half-asleep state and either work with it, or, more often recently, resist it and struggle with it. I still think of myself as a good sleeper, easily getting 8-9 hours sleep each night, but in fact most nights the second half of those hours is spent working with the morning negativity.
Given that I am working with it several times a week for several hours, the results, if any, are subtle. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to continue with this inner work. There are some things in life that one might make progress in only slowly: improving at a musical instrument, athletic training. But the slowness of my progress in this arena seems an order of magnitude greater even still. I wish there were a way of measuring it. Am I closer to awakening? I cannot know. Is my daily life more free of suffering? I don't think so, but some patterns of reactivity are beginning to unravel. In particular, in recent weeks I've exposed some supporting beliefs andfound myself more often and more quickly letting go of stories that fuel reactivity.
Just a half hour ago I was lying in bed doing this inner work and the urge came to write about it. I was feeling into the sensations behind the negativity, and, as has happened dozens or hundreds of times before, I proceeded into a state wherein I was vocalizing on each exhalation. And I started to tune into the thoughts and sensations that occur on each inhalation and each exhalation. And I saw that there was discomfort and resistance with each. And also that there was pleasure, joy, with each.
On the inhalation, there is resistance, especially I think at the beginning. I've known for decades that I resist breathing in, but I've never explored it in detail.
On the exhalation, the vocalization is uncomfortable, especially initially, and I suspect that there is fear of making noise.
Throughout the process there are very brief moments of pleasure, easy to miss.
I began trying to explore the resistance but experienced strong doubt. "I'll never be able to see it clearly because it is so fleeting, occuring only at the beginning of each inhalation and the beginning of each exhalation." "This whole project is a waste of time; it's not bringing fruit in daily life."
That's when I thought of writing about it.
I'll now go back to this exploration.
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