The last few days, when awaking early with fright, I've been doing noting practice instead of giving voice to the emotion. The practice of giving voice to the emotion was seeming to take me to the same place each time and new insights weren't coming.
This morning, doing the noting practice in a half-awake state, some habit of mind seemed to drop. Some micro-habit of thought circling back on itself. There was a moment when it was observed that this circling back wasn't necessary, and the circling back didn't happen. And for the next few thought cycles (taking place every couple of seconds, perhaps), there was a sense that the circling back was about to happen, then an understanding that it didn't need to. Then, an awareness that I couldn't make the circling back happen now even if I tried. Then, a wondering whether this was a shift, an awakening. Then, an observing with wonder and curiosity. Wonder, but lacking in delight. Was this a shift? It seemed like it was. There was a sense that something had been lost. A piece of my experience, or even of myself, was missing. There was an emotion different from my usual emotions, something akin to grief. Thoughts of conceit arose and fell away: "Am I more enlightened than before? I was doubting whether my practice was effective, but this is an amazing result! What teacher should I go to to talk about this? Shaila? Christiane? Satyadhana? How will life be different? I hope that suffering will be less" And, "Oh, all of this is the personality trying to take ownership of this shift. Just like they say happens." This habit of personality was familiar. I kept watching to see if it continued to seem the case that a mental habit had fallen away, and it did continue to seem the case as I lay in bed next to Eric.
Remembering the dangers of conceit, I went back to noting practice. It seemed difficult to focus. I wasn't sure if it was because my mind was unfamiliar to me now, or because I was so distracted with thoughts of conceit. Those thoughts are so seductive.
After perhaps 45 minutes, I fully woke up, along with Eric, and moved into the daily activities. Now, everything seems the same as yesterday, though as I wrote the above, there was a sense that a thought habit had indeed dropped.
Either immediately before, during, or immediately after this insight, I had a dream that I was in a situation with a couple, a man and a woman, that I was newly acquainted with. They'd been talking about some situation regarding other people rather vaguely for the previous 24 hours or so, and finally something happened that made me feel I'd had enough and that I really wanted them to be more clear with me about what was going on. I pleaded with them, and finally they began telling me. But before they had made it all clear, the usual background din of noises from nearby airplanes intensified, and the sound of one plane in particular became really loud and we could see out the window that it was extremely close to us. Then something hit me in the abdomen. It didn't hurt but there was a sense that it had really harmed me and I thought, "Oh! I didn't realize it until now, but before this moment I was considering this whole thing to be an entertaining game. Now it's real; this is a real life-changer."
The sense that a habit had dropped did not return. Life seems as before.
ReplyDeleteWhen I wrote this, it seemed that a micro-habit of thought had droppped. Then I commented that it seemed not to have dropped. But, some weeks after that, I noticed that an analogous macro-habit was diminishing: often I conclude something, such as "This plan is unlikely to work," then my mind chews on the topic, thinking of all the reasons why it's unlikely to work but also all the reasons why it migh twork. Lately, I've recognized when there is a solid knowing in the original conclusion, and stopped the thought process there. I've seen that the thoughts that have, in the past, usually ensued, were unnecessary because there was already confidence in the initial conclusion. This allows my mind to be a bit more quiet and allows me to experience a greater sense of confidence in some of my thoughts.
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