Working with the superego, a.k.a. The Voice

I am always looking for practices I can do while resting in bed after waking. Vipassana practices such as noting or simply being aware of sensation do not work so well--usually my concentration is weak and I am partially lost in thought.

This morning I put my attention on the critical voice of the superego. I've become increasingly aware of this voice, of its pervasiveness and the subtlety of some of its messages. This morning, when I became aware of a message from the superego, I did the following:

1. Mentally put the message into words. For example, "What you are doing is a waste of time."

2. Mentally imagined who might be saying these words. Did I have a sense for who might be saying them? Usually it was my child self, between 4 and 8 years of age, agitatedly trying to get me to listen to her so that I could be safe. Later in my practice this morning, it sometimes was my mother, extremely agitated and intensely uncomfortable.

3. Welcomed that being. In T's words, I invited her to the party.

4. Dialog with the being. "Oh, really? I am a complete failure and might as well give up? That's interesting. What am I a failure at? How do you know?" Usually this was brief because quickly either another message appeared and/or I relaxed somewhat. Also, it feels kind of boring to do this dialog.

5. Repeat

Often what caught my attention was not a message, but a bad feeling. I would then try to put that feeling into words. The words could be, "If you feel this bad feeling, you are a bad person," Or, "You've really messed up your day now. You've just laid here and you haven't done any of the things I've told you to do."

Toward the end of this session I'd notice the voice be really, really panicky (and this was when it seemed to be the voice of my mother). It couldn't speak fast enough to tell me all the things I'd done wrong. They were all piled up and there was a sense that it was entirely hopeless and a train wreck. "You, you you ... you didn't do your exercises and you didn't do your taxes and you are just lying here and you don't know what you're doing and it's too late because you've used up all the time and you're not listening and you really, really don't know what you're doing and you'd better listen up fast fast fast otherwise it will be really bad!!!!"

Always a lightness appears after some time of doing this work. Today I had an urge to speak to Z, who was dozing in my arms. Fear arose, as always, that she might be irritated with me for disturbing her, but it was much lighter. I said, "Z?" She said, "Hm?" And  because the fear was much lighter I didn't hear irritation in her voice but instead happiness. I immediately experienced delight and quickly squeezed her and said "I love you".