Desire for disability and death

I've been doing affirmations about my health:

• My physiology now speedily shifts to healthy balance, and stays in balance
• With good health I can enjoy and accomplish much. I release any need for a health problem as a point of focus.

My doctor referred me to a podiatrist to treat my foot soreness. The diagnosis is plantar fasciitis. But what about the soreness in my hips and hands? I suspect something systemic, and it seems likely that the mind can both cause and correct systemic imbalances, at least to some degree.

A big reason I'm focused on a mental approach is that I see clearly an attachment to illness. I see a desire to have something to fix, something to worry about. Something to keep me company. Without a problem to solve, I feel alone, adrift, uncomfortable. What juicy material to work with!

Another mental dynamic: I am now so aware of my own fragility and mortality that I want both disability and death to come soon so I can get it over with, rather than fear it. As recently as 10 years ago I believed that with my good genetics, vigorous exercise, yoga, meditation, decent diet, and positive attitude, I would avoid nearly all frailties of age. I would be strong, flexible, and vigorous into my 80s and 90s. Now I see that the frailty of age affects everyone. Some more than others or sooner than others, certainly, but there is no avoiding it. Further, I see how dismal the prospects are for old people who are frail: the loss of control, the loss of personhood in the eyes of society. Perhaps I'd rather be middle-aged and frail rather than wait to be old and frail.

I want to investigate and soften these mental dynamics so that I will live vigorously as long as possible. After all, "with good health I can enjoy and accomplish much".