Rage

Last night I awoke with a hot flash and a piercing fear/rage/despair, accompanied by an image of my mother in her dementia care home and a sense that I must, must, must do something to fix her horrible. This had happened a few nights over the past week and I'd responded by sitting up and attending to the sensations and the inner child. This time I decided to do this work lying down. First I tried pushing and kicking an imaginary person who was lying on top of me, getting them off of me. This didn't provide any release or insight. Did it a few times. Then (against great resistance that I shouldn't bother anybody about this) I woke Eric and asked him to lie on top of me, and I repeated this. Still, no release, no insight. Very uncomfortable feelings in the arms, the torso.

Finally I noticed the comfort, pleasure I felt at having Eric lie on top of me. I realized I enjoyed that and wanted it very much, and thus was conflicted about pushing him off of me. I wanted him and didn't want him. I tried noticing the comfort/pleasure and seeing what else was there, and saw that the right side of my body didn't want to push him off but it wanted some kind of expression. I worked very, very hard to bring my attention to the inner child and ask her what she wanted. I tried to be her and feel her rather than conceptualize her and it was very difficult, especially since I also had to repeatedly dismiss voices that said I shouldn't bother Eric with this. But over many minutes I grew more at ease and began moving my body slightly according to urges that I found. More ease, more movement -- a virtuous cycle. But I also continuously felt tired, fatigued -- I wanted to rest, to sleep. Is this giving up on myself, or giving myself rest? Finally I said, "let's both go back to sleep." It took me some time to fall back asleep. I felt quite at ease in Eric's arms after all that, but not 100%.

Following on that--intense session with T this morning. Anger. Stayed with anger, followed T's instructions even though they intensified the anger. He encouraged me to say that I hated him, or something like that, but couldn't do that without shutting down. Finally I began to voice my frustrations and moved toward saying I wanted him to visit my home and my work to find out more about me so he could help me more efficiently. This felt right and good, but when I left his office 1.5 hours ago I felt such strong sensations in the right side and they are still with me, making it hard to work. But I will work alongside them as much as I can.