On the drive to my psychotherapy session with T on Wednesday, a fantasy image crystallized in my mind: that of stepping on the face of my partner, E, and grinding his face into the mud with a waffle-soled boot.
This image didn't appear suddenly all of a piece, but gradually came into focus. The first thing I thought was, "E is right. I do have a buried desire to humiliate him!"
I talked about this with T, and said how uncomfortable I felt about it. He encouraged me not to focus on the idea that my fantasy involved hurting someone I loved, but to focus instead on how it felt, especially any pleasure involved. I found that it seemed very pleasurable indeed. I enjoyed, while pondering these mental images, pressing my right foot into the ground and rotating and gyrating my right foot as though I were acting out the fantasy. Pleasant tingling sensations arose, akin to massage, and I also felt pleasure in my vulva. I felt powerful, like nobody was going to hurt me now.
I just had an idea: I'd like to own and wear some boots.
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