Log 01/26/14

6:30 a.m. Another night with wakefulness. Previous night I slept through, but nearly all nights since I slept with Z on Jan. 14 have been pleasantly wakeful. Practicing meditating while lying down. Without the strong energy of the Arising & Passing Away nana that I experienced during fall/winter 2011/12, meditation while lying down requires strong effort, and even stronger effort to see beneath the tension and brain fog. It works best to bring in some trauma recovery techniques, specifically to verbalize thoughts associated with what I experience in the right torso. They are the same thoughts that come up while seated, but they are stronger and scarier and harder to listen to: I don't know what I'm doing! What a waste of time! There are emergencies out in the world that I'd better attend to--I'd better get my work done, and figure out what to do with Mom!!! And, deeper: I regret all the time I've wasted. And: This is hard, I want to rest. When I silently verbalize these very strong messages, I become aware of very strong aliveness, anger, fear, desire, pleasure ... partial relaxation of the right jaw and distress upon realizing how very clenched it usually is ...

Yesterday I was very deliberate in my computer programming. I tried hard to stay awake and mindful of exactly what I was doing. I tried hard not to deny what was actually going on: that I was spending nearly two hours examining the changing value of a single variable, and that I went down a couple of dead ends due to poor mindfulness of ... of ... (I'm sitting here for minutes, trying to understand and articulate what I was not mindful of.) I habitually deny the nature of my mistakes and inefficiencies, because I am afraid that I'm no good. Of course, this denial doesn't prevent me from walking around with a very unpleasant, pervasive sense that I'm no good. I would do well to really embrace and investigate the details of how I work. Let's try again: I went down a couple of dead ends because I sloppily inserted debugging print statements without really understanding what I should expect at those points ... and I didn't understand what I should expect because my brain felt too small to encompass it. I think that breaking programming down into very small, understandable tasks with clear objectives would help me work with fewer mistakes and a greater sense that I ...

I will trust that I will be able to articulate this better the more I practice mindful programming.

When I get stuck and feel panicky that I won't figure it out, and I go to the sensations in the body, I see nausea. Following a suggestion of T, my therapist, I then place attention on my connection with the earth, intending release of whatever I am trying to expel, and I do get a sense of release, evidenced by the quick and immediate subsiding of the nausea (which may, just as quickly, return when I go back to the thoughts of being stuck).