Impossible

Even when I'm feeling deeply into fear and gaining understanding into the difficulties of my daily living, I still feel this overlay of gloom. Today in my psychotherapist's office I put my attention on that schmear of gloom. These words seemed to go with it: "My life will never get better. It's impossible!"

Just now, while attending the "all hands" meeting at my workplace, I took another look at that schmear of gloom. I imagined my life getting better, noticed the sense of something blocking the way, and mentally chanted to myself the word "impossible". The sense of a blockage morphed into a set of sensations that brought to mind being a desperately crying baby. I chose to respond by actively imagining being a desperately crying baby. There seemed to be a synergy; imagining being a desperately crying baby did not feel forced but seemed to flow from the sense of blockage and the word "impossible". The top of my right throat, just near the crease of my neck, began to quiver. My breathing took on the pattern of a quick deep in-breath followed by a long out-breath, ending with several seconds of nearly empty lungs before the next in-breath. Is this a memory of being an infant not getting what she needs?