Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Meditating in the midst of sleep; bodily sense of anatta

Last couple of weeks, I've been waking around 1 am and watching mental states come and go for hours with greater clarity than during daytime meditation, perhaps because I'm in a very relaxed, quasi-asleep state such that thought processes do not interfere. This is a very enjoyable, engrossing activity, more attractive than sleep. When clarity is great, I seem to have a new small insight every minute or so. I can't think of a more satisfying way to spend my time. Sometimes clarity is low and I wonder whether I'm wasting my time, neither sleeping nor meditating.

Since the anatta insight of last week, I feel different in my body. The experience of moving my body without feeling that "I" am doing it has not repeated with the same distinctiveness; however, during these nighttime meditations in the midst of sleep, the motions of my body often have a lot of anatta character to them, and I wonder if the difference I feel in daytime is also due to anatta. It's hard to describe the manner in which I feel different in my body during the daytime. The difference is pleasant, and pleasing in the sense that it suggests to me that I am progressing and that I am special. (I well understand that being special is SO not the point, but my psyche continues to wish for me to be special.) I can feel the difference this moment in my hands as I keyboard. I'm also quite aware of it when I am gesticulating. It seems part of the difference is a heightened awareness of my body moving through space. It's quite lovely.

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