Loving staying home during the pandemic

Here's something I wrote on April 14, after staying at home for about a month:

Thoughts about staying at home.

Stay Home, Stay Safe is the ultimate vacation for me. I could never
have imagined life would serve me something so delicious: week upon week
of permission to stay home and do nothing. Week after week of
having nothing in my calendar but a weekly Skype client visit and a monthly
board meeting. Of spending every day at home with Eric and Zarina, sleeping in
as much as we want, enjoying three meals a day together, watching TV in the
evenings.  Of having no social engagements and, best of all, no invitations.
Of quiet, with weekday traffic lighter than normal Sunday traffic, and almost
no air traffic.

Each of the previous eleven springs I've lived in this house, I've
dreamed of having an immaculately weeded garden. Now I have one.

This is likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and every day I try to
appreciate and savor it.

Something that helps me tolerate and even enjoy being idle is my years of
meditation practice and related inner work, which has taught me not to believe
my thoughts. By closely observing my own mind, it has become more and more
clear to me that thoughts arise of their own accord and often contain messages
that bear little truth yet give rise to a lot of stress. Messages like, "you
should be doing something", "it is bad to be on facebook for so long", "you
are a bad person and therefore everything you do is wrong", and "it's not safe
to experience pleasure". I am not by any means free of being influenced by
such thoughts, but their grip is much looser than it used to be.

I love being idle so much, I'm daydreaming about whether I could extend this
lifestyle indefinitely. To do so would require two things: canceling all of my
regular activities, and declining invitations to socialize. Both sound
difficult, and for the same reason: I'm afraid of the judgments of others.

I want to explain what is so delicious about having an empty calendar. Very
few of the things on my calendar are things I look forward to. Most of them
involve social contact I find difficult and stressful. Some of them are things
I do in order to serve the community. Some of them are things I do in order to
earn money, though arguably I've already saved enough money to not have to
earn any money at all. During normal times, each night when I go to bed, I
view the coming day as a series of hurdles to get past. I often don't even
know what those hurdles are until I get out of bed in the morning and check my
calendar. Then when I do get up and check the calendar, I already can't wait
for all the hurdles to be behind me so I can relax at home. Many of the
activities I engage in, I look forward to their being over almost as soon as I
begin them.

On Tuesdays I meditate with Rita. I like doing that, except I don't like that
it's on the calendar and I have to be there at a certain time, sometimes
earlier than I'd like. I enjoy chatting with Rita afterward and I enjoy that
this means I see her regularly and don't need to schedule other ways of seeing
her.

Later Tuesday morning I lead my walking group in Magnuson Park. I find a few
things stressful about this. First, it's stressful to gather everyone together
and figure out what time to actually leave on the walk, because some people
are regularly late. Second, it's stressful to choose a route that's suitable
for the ability levels of all of the people participating. The routes all
involve crossing streets and parking lots and checking for traffic, and they
can't just be followed mindlessly, especially when there are participants with
mobility limitations. Third, sometimes the conversation can be stressful or
boring, and sometimes someone brings their dog and it's hard to incorporate
the dog into the walk. Oh, and another stressful part is preparing the snacks
ahead of time and figuring out at what point during our walk that I will
distribute the snacks, and keeping track of the time during the snack break.

Writing all this out, I see various ways I could make things less stressful
for myself. I could map out a small set of walks that I repeat, and select one
each time. Each walk could have a pre-determined snack stop. I could eliminate
snacks entirely if I want. I could delegate time-keeping for the snack break,
or have it always be N minutes and use my phone to keep track of the time.

Also, writing this out, I am feeling affection for the people in my group, and
missing them, for the first time.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I go to the gym. I don't like having to
get up early to go to the gym, and I don't like coordinating with Eric,
Zarina, and Charu regarding leaving time and who will drive and how long we'll
be at the gym. I don't mind actually working out, which I feel really grateful
about. But I often find it stressful to chat with Charu on the exercise
equipment, partly because it's difficult to hear what she has to say, partly
because it's difficult to talk and simultaneously get my complex circuit
workout done, and partly because sometimes the topics of conversation are
stressful (Charu is a very politically engaged socialist and I fear being
judged as overly pro-establishment and insufficiently engaged in activism).

On Wednesday evenings I meditate with the Lotus Sisters a few blocks away. I
like doing that, except I don't like leaving the house to do it, even though
it's so close. I see it on my calendar and it feels like a big heavy thing
that I have to do and that will interrupt my lovely relaxing time at home,
especially when more often than not the weather outside is uncomfortable.
And walking there with Zarina also is typically stressful and unpleasant.

Wednesday and Thursday afternoons I see my client Kathy for 3 hours in
Ballard. I find the time with her somewhat tedious and I am typically looking
forward to it ending. We go for long walks together. It's not clear how much
she's taking in. She doesn't converse, she doesn't find particular sights
engaging (for example pretty flowers, animals, views don't seem to impact
her). Before and after, I talk with her husband, and although I've adapted to
him somewhat, I find that stressful as well. I fear being judged as inadequate
or too expensive. And he can be a chatterbox. And he tends to be negative
(though to be fair, he's in a really tough situation). Each time I see Kathy I
earn $120, but I don't have a way of viewing that amount that makes it seem
worthwhile. Over the course of a year, my visits with her would earn me about
$10,000, about 1/5 of the total amount of money I need to support myself.
So doing this work means that I will burn through my retirement savings a
little more slowly, but that benefit doesn't feel compelling and my perception
is that I'm basically earning no money at all. I do like the exercise I get,
and it's more pleasant in seasons other than winter.

Monthly I have the meetings of the Ravenna-Eckstein Advisory Council. There
are only nine business meetings each year. January is a dinner meeting, and we
have July/August off. I find myself dreading each meeting starting about 10
days in advance. That's 90 days of dread throughout the year :-( Though in
general I typically find meetings tedious, these meetings are not tedious
because I am the one leading them. But they are somewhat stressful. It's hard
for me to know how to move them along without being bossy. I do prefer
presiding over the meetings vs. either taking notes (as Secretary) or just
attending as a member, so I'm glad I'm presiding, but being president has
added a lot more stress between meetings. I don't feel really motivated to
accomplish anything on this council. I'm not passionate about it. And the
other members ... well, let's just say that the council is not highly
effective. People drag their feet about doing their tasks. Rita brings by far
more juice than anybody, but this has its price because she's also prickly and
disruptive.

For all of the above, the anticipation is a big part of the
unpleasantness.

Then, there are the activities that aren't regularly scheduled.

Vacations. I don't like them! The one vacation I really liked was the cruise
with Eric, Zarina, Dad, Nick, and Deena. It was easy to book, easy to get to,
and easy to do. It required little preparation.

Other vacations are so stressful, so much trouble! Planning. Coordinating with
Eric and/or Zarina. Enduring discomforts. And sometimes needing to socialize
as part of the vacation. Weddings are the worst. So many people to talk to. So
long. So loud. Orienteering events are also hard. Everybody wants to say hello
to me. I love so many of the individuals, but the social scene feels hard and
unsatisfying. When I first met Eric, we traveled to a lot of orienteering
meets, and I saw so many people regularly. But now, it's not regular. Even
going to Bay Area meets feels stressful, and they used to be my home club.

I do really love just traveling to visit Dad. When I do, I have a very few
activities each week, and those feel welcome and enjoyable. When I am with
Dad, I don't feel dominated by my calendar. Visiting Dad has a lot of the
flavor of being home during this stay-at-home order. Wide expanses of
unscheduled time. Nothing to dread.

I do love the memories I have from some other vacations. The trips to Standing
Rock. Mount Rushmore. Laramie in 2013. Some of the memories from our two Italy
trips in 2014. Connecting with Zak, Jenny, and Raheem in Hawaii.

I like working at See's, and look forward to it! Even though the pay is
pitiful. The only thing I dislike about working at See's in Seattle is that I
don't feel at ease when I'm on the same shift as Monique.  Sometimes the
unease goes away over the course of a shift, sometimes it doesn't. I can have
a hard time feeling accepted by women, and she has a personality that triggers
my insecurity. But this also makes me feel appreciative of the great ease I do
feel with every single other person on the team. It's just so fun to work with
them! The team in Burlingame was less fun. I didn't like the way the shop was
run, and that wore on me. I remember at the end of the season, I was glad it
was over, and I thought to myself that I mightn't choose to do it again.
Perhaps I can ask for shorter shifts next time? Wish I'd made more detailed
note of what I thought I'd prefer at the time.

----

And here's something I wrote ten days later:

I am finding so much rest and relaxation in staying at home and having a clear calendar. I almost never need to consult my calendar these days and I love it. In normal times, I feel that I live my life by the calendar. Often I go to bed at night not knowing what's on my calendar for the next day. Most of the activities I normally do, are done out of a sense of obligation: to serve the community,to stay informed, to participate in the political process, to stand up for social justice, to attend celebrations and other social gatherings, to keep up with friends.  I find social gatherings very draining after the first 20 minutes and use food to soothe the anxiety. Even 1:1 get-togethers are often challenging for me. My ideal, when we no longer need to isolate, would be to have 4 days/week with a completely clear calendar, and one week/month also with a completely clear calendar. And to have no more than 4 scheduled things each week, including going to the gym.

I view my calendar as a series of hurdles that I must get through. Except for a very few activities, I anticipate each such hurdle with a certain amount of dread. Part of the dread is the need to do something at a certain time. I find it unpleasant to go through the process of rescheduling things, especially with more than one person, so I almost always keep my commitments even if, as they approach, the timing is inconvenient. I've told friends that I prefer for them to drop by spontaneously rather than plan something, because then I can see them without the anticipatory dread. However, it is still rare for anybody to drop by spontaneously.

Social gatherings are always much easier for me if I have a mindless task to do almost continuously. This could be hand sewing, working on a jigsaw puzzle, or weeding. I have a quilting project that I used to use for this purpose, but it has gotten to a stage that is a little more challenging, and I have stopped bringing it with me to gatherings. I'd like to prioritize either getting this project back on track, or starting a new hand sewing project.

Some people like to socialize by playing games. I don't like games that involve waiting for my turn, and I don't like to learn the rules for games. But I think I could benefit from getting more into games, because this would also likely work to ease my social anxiety.