Being a woman

Lately I have been reading current writings on the topic of sex & gender. In our society this has been a topic of great tension and upheaval over the past decade, and of late I have been nearly obsessed with the topic, wanting to figure out my place within it and how to relate to others about it. In the midst of my reading I felt moved to reflect on my sense of myself as a woman. Below are some raw reflections. I understand that the concepts of sex and gender, of female/girl/woman and male/boy/man, are currently in flux and that in my writing I am not precise about what I mean by these terms. Also, I am certain it is cissexual-centric.

What I have liked about being female

Not having had to worry about being conscripted into military service

Physical flexibility
Loving babies and small children (this love correlates with being female)

Greater access to babies and children; not being treated with suspicion.

Not being seen as a physical threat by others.

For the most part, I have been comfortable with the femaleness of my body. It has not bothered me on any visceral level. It has only bothered me to the extent that it has created secondary problems for me such as being weak, the target of sexual attention, and menstruating. I do not experience aversion regarding my breasts or vulva.

Being less subject to childhood bullying.

The ability to multitask (didn't realize this was sex-linked until recently).

Wearing dresses/skirts sometimes

Feeling free to explore same-sex romance without fear of the violence that gay men are subject to.

The intimacy and relaxation I can feel in the company of other women ... to some extent. But not sure what it would be like to be male & in the company of men, possibly similarly satisfying. And so much of this depends on personality, not just sex/gender.

Not having to live up to high expectations regarding being a provider, being a sexual performer, or being physically capable. But, again, were I actually male, perhaps these expectations would feel like an invigorating challenge.

Fashion, to an extent. But, again, were I actually male, maybe I wouldn't care about fashion.

What I have disliked about being female

Not relating to other little girls, seeing them as silly and stupid, but also not feeling drawn to rough and tumble play with boys

Bleeding from between my legs a lot of of the time for 40 years

Being physically weak and therefore less capable. Needing to use tools designed for the typical man, making me even less effectual.

Feeling vulnerable in response to the attentions of straight boys/men, whether that be catcalls or respectful expressions of romantic interest or anything in between.

Feeling vulnerable and afraid when walking alone at night in the city, or hiking alone on a trail, or the like.

Likely, less intellectual capacity due to my sex

Likely having had less success in my career due to the male domination of my field and male domination in general. Being talked down to by men in my career. Having my thinking less respected by my dad than my brother's thinking.

My difficulties with sexual relating (I believe these are partly attributable to my sex). Experiencing sex as a duty and a chore.

Being exploited by salesmen, repairmen, and auto mechanics.

Constant comments from well meaning people of every age, political persuasion, sex/gender, and walk of life about my appearance: whether I'm pretty, how my hair looks, and (now) how young I look.

Expectations that I will provide hospitality

The need to do my hair and makeup for weddings and other formal occasions

Younger people (including Z & E) projecting the role of mother onto me and therefore seeing me as bossy & controlling and as someone who will do the housework.

I'm of mixed mind about "woman talk". There are things I like about it and things that repulse me about it. I think I've adapted so it's hard to remember what repulsed me.

Ways in which I am not a typical female

Love math, logic, science

Not hyper-vigilant about children's safety

Comfortable spending little time/attention on fashion, hair, nails, makeup

If I were given $1 million to live the rest of my life as male, would I? Definitely! In Whipping Girl, Julie Serano states that when she asks audiences this question, only a few "wise guys" say they would. She believes that cisgender people are attached to living their lives in accordance with their sex. But I'm not. Am I really that unusual?

My long list of things I don't like about being female -- were I of a younger generation, would these things seamlessly slide me into a trans identification of some variety? Do young women who are intentionally identifying as cis females (such as K's friend G) also have this list of things they don't like? Is intentionally identifying as cis simply not being hugely uncomfortable with the things I have listed, or is there something positive about it (such as, "in my core I feel that I am female" or something)?