Opening

woke at midnight
don't recall which was first
irritation that Eric wasn't with me in bed
or big feeling rolling like the ocean
like the sound from our sound machine
bigger than I remember ever feeling before
in my right abdomen
the place that's been opening since my 50th birthday
either way, when I noticed the irritation
I tried to feel the feelings underneath
instead of holding and reacting
and those underneath feelings merged with the big rolling ocean feeling
and I felt more whole
and worthy
than before.

Got Staci Haines' book
The Survivor's Guide to Sex
from the library yet again (third time in ten years)
thinking it would have something new to say to me now that I can feel more
now that I am not so afraid of anger
It did have something new
The chapter on Dissociation, which I'd skimmed and skipped before, spoke to me yesterday.
Do I check out? YES!! during sex, during anger, and whenever anybody speaks to me
one-on-one
Do I tell myself that it's no big deal, that many are worse off than I
do I tell myself "whatever"?
YES
The advice seemed so impossible before
to see what is happening in my mind and
to feel what is happening in my body and
to notice the trigger
(why did that seem SO impossible?)
and also I used to tell myself that childhood sexual abuse was very unlikely
why very?
Because I don't remember it, and nobody told me about it?
Grandpa George: domineering. Grandma Julia: narcissistic.
Why would I hate my relatives so, from such an early age?
Haines says that one out of three girls is sexually abused
Can this be true?
I hold the idea that it was unlikely
because I also hold the idea that abuse survivors are whiners.
They make me uncomfortable. Why don't they just get over it?
Wasn't it their fault?
Was it as bad as they said?
What is wrong with them?

These days of the Cascadia Proteomics Symposium, noticing the feelings in my body
and making that my top priority
rather than trying to transfer as many droplets of information
as possible
from the speaker and her powerpoint slides
to my brain
so that I can say "I got something out of that!"
and sound like a scientist over wine and tapas later.

Another triumph from my reading of the book:
staying with my body
and asking for what I wanted
during sex
yesterday morning.
I enjoyed myself and
said no at least once
and then I enjoyed myself some more

And another,
after an hour of the big rolling ocean feeling in the middle of last night.
Thinking, maybe the nothingness I feel during the "touch my genitals" exercise
is not really numbness
maybe there is feeling so big
that I habitually suppress
all in a fraction of a second
so I tried it again
and in my sleepiness and fear
I do think I felt something big and scary
and also vague memories of being physically close and cuddled
and the smell of another

and then feeling closer to Eric
(who was by then beside me)
and having a clue what closeness might mean
this last bit is painful to write and I feel myself close down.

and I also asked Eric
in the middle of the big rolling feeling
to come to bed and massage the tense spot in my right abdomen
Actually when he saw me in the living room at 1:00 a.m.
with my hand on my belly,
he asked me if I wanted him to massage it.
It took a lot for me to even hope that he might.
Why are two survivors so scared of each other
so separate
instead of allies and helpers?