Examining compulsion to get stuff done at work. What do I come in to work looking for? What causes the afternoon disappointment? I think I'm looking for approval. I have set up an elaborate internal system to give myself approval based on a set of rules. The same system gives punishment. I imagine that The Boss is doling these out. But The Boss is an imaginary boss, and his behavior only vaguely matches my real boss's actual behavior. Approval comes when I check things off the list, especially things that I know my real boss or team leader will like.
If I take time to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, I imagine that The Boss berates me for wasting time.
If I take time to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, and let go of the thought process supporting the elaborate approval/punishment system, there is so much empty space that it's frightening.
<later same day>
Looking at the empty space ... why am I not curious, excited? Self-doubt. "I've been so wrong in the past ... had hope when it wasn't warranted ... if I stay open to this space, I'm going to do something foolish, laughable, regretable."
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