I wrote this in 2004.
All of us find it difficult when there is a lot of uncertainty in our
lives. Some of us enjoy uncertainty, but all of us have thresholds
beyond which uncertainty creates unpleasant stress.
One way we manage discomfort in our lives is by anticipating what
uncomfortable situations might arise, and preparing ourselves for them.
Often this preparation takes place on the psychological level. Often it
is habitual and unconscious. For example, a person might be somewhat
uncomfortable in social situations. At the same time, he or she might
actually enjoy parties. Such a person will, perhaps unconsciously,
think about the party ahead of time, what it will be like, and whom they
might encounter there. They will try to get themselves into a mood for
enjoying a party. This can involve invoking certain self-protective
behaviors or psychological mechanisms that help guard them against the
discomfort of socializing, and help direct their attention to the
enjoyable aspects of the socializing at this party. Generally, this is
possible because parties are infrequent and usually predictable. If
parties came into such a person's life arbitrarily and suddenly, it would
be much more difficult for the person to get themselves into the party
mood, and parties would probably become unpleasant intrusions.
Each society has developed certain customs which help people anticipate
discomfort. Referring to the above example, it is customary to discuss
with one's housemates a potential party. Custom does not, however,
dictate that we forewarn those around us about all possible discomforts.
For example, during the day time, we don't forewarn those around us that
we might receive a phone call. Although the ringing of the phone is an
intrusive noise, custom dictates a protocol of phone usage that allows
phone calls to happen arbitrarily during the day (in general; there are
some vague exceptions such as dinnertime). Those of us who find the
ringing of the phone uncomfortable find ways to psychologically accommodate
arbitrary phone ringing: we hear it, we feel momentarily disturbed, and
we then let go of our anger about being disturbed because we know, from
years of living with the phone, that it is something we simply must live
with. Hearing the phone ring all day may make us tired over time from
repeatedly being disturbed and then letting it go. However, it makes us
less tired than it would had we not been accustomed to phone ringing.
Thus, hearing a similarly intrusive noise with a similar frequency -- such
as a jackhammer down the street -- disturbs us more.
Also, hearing the phone ring in a context where it is not customary --
such as in the wilderness -- is also more disturbing than hearing it at
home. This is one reason why older people have trouble accepting cell
phones. One hears arguments such as, "We go to the wilderness to relax
and hear the sounds of nature, not to hear the sounds of civilization."
However, there is at least one other sound of civilization that one
always hears in the wilderness -- the sound of an airplane passing
overhead. It likely that the sound of phones in the wilderness will
disturb a person more than the sound of airplanes, however, because we
have become accustomed to the sound of airplanes, whereas we have been
accustomed to the *absence* of the sound of telephones. We hear the
airplane, we are momentarily disturbed, and we let it go, usually on an
unconscious level. The sound may not even disturb us momentarily
(why?).
To summarize, "custom" includes a set of usually unwritten rules about
which disturbances can be expected when. Societies develop customs so
that the individuals in the society can, to some degree, anticipate
disturbing or uncomfortable situations that may arise, and thus weather
them with less discomfort.
To be rude is to create an unanticipated disturbance. Rude behaviors
are not morally wrong, they are just potentially disturbing actions that
are inconsistent with custom. Because they are inconsistent with
custom, witnesses do not have psychological mechanisms in place to deal
with their feelings of being disturbed, and are thus more likely to be
made quite uncomfortable by them.
The word "rude" has negative connotations. If somebody says, "That was
so rude!" the implication is that the person behaving rudely had intent
to disturb, or, at the very least, chose their comfort, enjoyment,
and/or spontaneity over the comfort of those around them. More often it
is the latter; however, often a person exhibiting rude behavior does not
even know they are making such a choice. In fact, they may not even
know that they are disturbing anybody. When a sensitive person
innocently does something that disturbs others and is then called
"rude", it can hurt deeply.
When might we wish to avoid rude behavior? When we value the comfort of
those around us, or value their good opinions of us. More often than
most of us would like to admit, our polite behavior (politeness is the
opposite of rudeness) is motivated by the latter rather than the former.
