Log 07/01/13

8:40 a.m. Took the 7:30 bus this morning. Was able to do this easily because Eric is away (left last night for the World Orienteering Championships in Finland). Feeling extra gloomy since he left. Feeling sad at Eric's departure is a new thing for me. Felt quite down about my kidney-urine-plasma analysis. The manuscript submission deadline is August 1, not September 1 as I'd expected. Feeling like the paper is vacuous. It's hard to even write about--not surprising. The one thing I really like about the paper is the comparison of protein abundances across proteomes. I haven't seen anything like that before. I should clean up the manuscript and send it to Gil today for his comments. I was planning to do a more rote task this morning (load some new data into PASSEL) so as to get some feeling of accomplishment, but now I will try working on the manuscript first.

8:55 getting into manuscript!

9:02 enthused about work, sad, sleepy

9:10 enthused about work. Sad, sleepy, scared, craving.

10:14 Got to a stopping point with manuscript. Sent to Gil and Eric. Looked at Facebook for 10-15 minutes. Now, here I am. Where am I?

11:05 Continued loading new data into PASSEL. I feel afraid to touch into myself. Would rather eat a cheese sandwich. Thinking about how relationship with Z seems super important to get right. Reminded myself that the main relationship I'm cultivating right now is with myself; all else will follow.

Spent 50 minutes (12:00-12:50) in quiet room abiding with self. So unsatisfying! "I don't know what I am doing ... this is dangerous ... this isn't going anywhere." About 10 minutes before rising to go, I turned my attention toward the necessity of going and the pain associated with that.

3:37 Productive day, but filled with anxiety. It feels like the world is dangerous and something bad is about to happen, probably something to do with Z rejecting me.

3:54 As is so often the case, I am spending much of my work day struggling against an anxiety that blocks my thinking process. It is so unsatisfying! Stopping to attend to myself, my experience is different than it has been in recent weeks: anger, frustration, exasperation ... sadness, anger ... sleepiness ... "I don't want this! I don't like this project!" (comparing kidney, urine, and plasma proteomes)

4:18 What would make my job nicer? It hurts just to think about it!

• An invisible companion who could silently and invisibly give me a co-counseling session at a moment's notice, to relieve my anxiety. I imagine that these sessions would be short and more or less continuous, since the anxiety arises almost continuously.
• A supervisor and co-workers who understand my challenge
• Aaaack! it really hurts just to think about this! I feel angry!

4:34 Throwing in the towel for the day.