Log 08/22/13

9:33 a.m. Arrived at work 25 minutes ago. Tidied desk, put lunch in fridge, relaxed over a back roll on the floor, processed email, and read about the Paleo diet (our CSA now offers Paleo shares, presumably omitting potatoes and legumes).

Have felt angry since yesterday 4pm, when Eric and I shared a meal and I fixated on the unpleasant fact that Eric had just arrived for the workday and would leave shortly to go to an event at Z's workplace. Eric is supposedly here at ISB to develop a new career, but it appears to me that he has been spending fewer and fewer hours here, and lots of time doing recreational things.

As I wrote the previous paragraph, I once again became fixated on this topic. I wrote and rewrote an additional sentence describing Eric's activities, then deleted it.

My best guess is that this anger is a manifestation of my continued awakening. Yesterday morning I had a session with my psychotherapist, T, during which I stayed quite connected to my experience, including feelings of anger. As the weeks go by, I am increasingly aware of the finer details of my experience, and increasingly able to let go -- to notice when I am about to grasp, and to then choose not to. This makes life ordinary and amazing at the same time. Ordinary, in that the external details of my life are quite ordinary, and I face many ordinary challenges on both the macro and micro levels, and I continue to worry, feel frustrated, and suffer. Amazing, in that I am coming closer and closer in contact with what is actually happening, and each new step is immensely fascinating and satisfying. Every week or two, I hear, read, or remember something that helps, that I am ready to hear. Lately I have been finding a new freedom from identification with thought. It's more possible for me to observe and let go of thoughts, to not believe them. And a new ability to recognize when the ego is creating thought to defend itself, and an awareness of how effortful and painful that is--but, simultaneously, a knowledge that I can't stop it, that the skillful thing to do is to just observe it.

Now I am struggling with how to approach my work day. I have 6.5 hours until I need to leave. I have a manuscript to re-organize. This is something I'd typically enjoy, and I can imagine enjoying it. Looking inside right now, I see ...

shame about my anger toward Eric; a sense that I must rectify the situation
sadness about the above
tiredness
happiness; recognition that I am safe and comfortable in this moment
sadness, sleepiness
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to help myself
I really want to make progress on this manuscript so that I can be perfect and finally rest

10:27 Still haven't worked on manuscript. I feel embarrassed about this and want to pretend it hasn't happened. I spent about 15 minutes writing the above, then another half hour listing ideas for increasing workplace wellness at ISB and sending to two co-workers.

Log 08/14/13

9:47 a.m. My intention for the day is to check in with myself frequently, to focus on things other than my primary project, to walk around a lot. This could be a Wednesday routine. Right now I feel sad and sleepy ... afraid there isn't enough time to take care of everything I need to do to keep myself safe.

1:04 pm  Feeling neutral. That's a new one! Pulsing, slight sleepiness, hearing ... am comfortable in my body.

2:03 pm Feeling same "neutral" sense, yet caught up in a drive to do stuff on my computer: research workplace wellness, clear skype requests, check email.

4:19 pm Workday is nearly over. I talked to Rusti, talked to Hsiao-Ching, talked to Melissa, talked to Kerry, researched workplace wellness, researched treadmill desks, meditated, talked to Julie, ordered medical records, talked to Zhi and Joe, talked to Theresa, tried to talk to Rob, talked to Eric on the phone. I didn't do any work on my actual projects. I feel more at ease than I almost ever do at the end of the workday!

Log 08/06/13

8 am: Last night Eric returned from a week in Columbia (competing in orienteering at the World Games). At bedtime we re-enacted a drama that we are very prone to re-enact at bedtime -- it comes up maybe half the time. This time, right afterward, we approached each other and spoke about our thoughts and feelings in a non-accusatory way for the first time. It was very nice. During the morning's session with Trip, I went more deeply into a memory of telling an adult standing in my doorway, "I am not going to do what you say." I felt proud to be big enough to say that. I saw echoes of this long-ago experience in my experience last night ("I'm going to go to bed when I want to; I'm not going to do what you want; it's OK for me to do what I want and to have my own space") and this allowed me to have more objectivity about it.

This morning on my way to work I made a commitment to (a) not indulge thoughts that I am not a worthy employee,  not an effective worker, not a good scientist, etc., and (b) to repeatedly consider, throughout the day, the notion that I am a worthy employee, an effective worker, and a good scientist. Just a minute of this practice brings up anger, sadness, sleepiness, nausea, and fear with adrenalin, a sense of the heart pounding, and suppressed breathing. I want to either fight, or retreat in defeat (go home or go to sleep).

5:30 pm: Eric wants me to go with him this evening to both the Canlis card giveaway gathering and our block party. I resisted, thinking, "there is no time for me," even though, as Eric pointed out, doing this sort of thing together with him is exactly the kind of thing I really enjoy doing. I told him that I don't like to pack my evenings full.

I reflected on the feeling of resistance. Behind it is this thought: "Other people always want me to do things that take me away from me. If I don't say no a lot of the time, I am never going to have time to be kind to myself. It is essential to say no a lot of the time, otherwise people will take all my time away from me."

And behind that is the assumption that every single person on the planet is in a battle with me: they want whatever goodies I have, they are indifferent to what will actually benefit me, and they will work hard to persuade me to give them my goodies (i.e. my time).

Log 08/03/13

I'd been feeling like my spiritual development had stalled (for just maybe a couple weeks). Was feeling a lot of stress, was not comfortable doing inner child / trauma recovery work. Last couple of days returned to noting as my primary practice. Yesterday was reading Adyashanti's "The End of Your World" offering advice to those who have had a taste of enlightenment but are not fully enlightened. Felt it wasn't really speaking to me, that whatever he considered a taste of enlightenment, I didn't have. But I think something he wrote did speak to some part of me, a part of me that responded in the middle of the night last night. I awoke and felt some kind of discomfort, some very usual common discomfort. I noticed that I was about to respond with a habitual pushing away, a habitual clinging to how I thought things ought to be: I ought to be at ease, I ought to be sleeping. And then I remembered Adyashanti and I flowed with what was. And I did this over and over again for a couple of hours. I was very gratified to see something new and experience a new freedom. But later I felt a bit weary; the process seemed effortful and I wished to relax. I continued with it anyway until I did happen to fall asleep. Some of what I flowed with was the energy that produces my Restless Legs Syndrome jerkiness. It seemed that there were sensations I normally resist, and that the resistance is what produces the extreme discomfort and jerkiness. As I went through all of this, I thought, "Aren't I special, to be moving forward like this." and "It's a good thing I'm learning this before I become old and infirm." There was a mosquito and I relaxed into being with her and allowing her to bite me. I wasn't totally OK with this, but pretty OK. After a while I was less OK. During this session I also found the long-held tensions in the right belly and jaw slowly unwinding.

Went back to sleep and awoke again around 7 or 8. Read some more Adyashanti to wake up. Noticed a resistance to his instruction to investigate any sense of division until you get to the bottom of it. Now, this is something I actually do all the time in my inner work, but reading him suggest it brought up a sense of resistance. Habit said to ignore this, but I decided to investigate it. Over about a half hour of inquiry into the feeling behind, "No! I won't do what you say," I found myself in a child state I've visited many times before, but perhaps a little deeper into it. The state seems consistent with an experience of being orally raped or molested, of being powerless to stop it, and of feeling utterly at sea with nobody coming to help me. The words "please help me" came to mind. I used a dog chew to follow urges to chew in my right jaw. I found myself gagging. After experiencing this as fully as possible for maybe 10 minutes, I shifted toward hugging myself and offering myself compassion. In the past this has felt dry. Today I noticed the inner child talking back: "Yeah, right. Don't try to comfort me. Forget it. Just go away. You're of no use. Leave me alone." Makes sense. Of course I don't know if I was ever orally raped or molested, but I do hold a powerful resistance to even considering the possibility. My mind is comfortable with "it didn't happen" and "it happens to everyone", but not with "it happened to me."