I did some interesting inner work in the middle of the night. It was a repeat of some work I'd done a week or two ago. I was very agitated about a discussion I'd had with Z right before going to sleep. My mind was going in circles about it. I decided to shift my attention to a different thought: "I love myself". As I did so, I noticed uncomfortable sensations, sensations that had previously been dampened by the negative thought cycles. I realized that I was afraid of those sensations and had interpreted them as signs that something was amiss. I incorporated the sensations into "I love myself", thinking about loving those sensations and the part of me that gives rise to them. This was very challenging at first and required a lot of effort, faith, and courage. But in time, it led to a full and peaceful feeling, and I was able to go to sleep. This is what had happened the previous time I'd done the same work. It was very satisfying, and exciting.
Today I had a heated discussion with Z and found I had more stamina than usual. When uncomfortable sensations arose, I was able to tolerate them and avoid interpreting them as signs of danger. I told myself that engaging in this heated discussion was the appropriate and respectful thing to do. Retreating, far from being polite or loving, would have been unloving. Both of us furthered our understanding of each other and of the situation we were discussing. I also insisted that Z stay engaged at times when she seemed to be retreating. I made space for her to take a break and resume later, but I didn't tolerate her dismissing me, walking away, or sneaking in a last word after saying discussion was closed. Writing this, I realize that I could not have forced Z to do these things and that we were clearly both making an effort to engage in fair fighting. Fair fighting feels great!
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Avoiding speaking up, taking action, making requests
Started thinking about my psychotherapist T this morning, whether to start up seeing him again or not. I realized that I want to avoid discussing with T my anger about the difficulty with Kaiser and my sense that he is partly responsible.
Thoughts traveled to other situations where I avoid speaking up for myself, or taking action, or making requests. I avoid cancelling and rescheduling engagements with friends. I avoid noticing, acknowledging any of my accomplishments, such as losing 14 pounds, anything I did in my professional career, allowing closeness with Black people, community activism
When I imagine acting against these habits, here's what comes up:
sensations: pulsing in the throat like crying, tingling in the arms.
thoughts: I'm alone, and there's no comfortable script
I'm exposed
Without a script, I won't know how to act
Reminds me of what Maitri says about how Enneatype 6 doesn't see that they have a center. We think there is nothing to rely on inside.
None of the above is brand new to me, but it is arising in my consciousness now for some reason, and there is an idea that now is a good time in my life to challenge these self-limiting habits. For the past three years I have been focused on inquiry into the nature of self, and have put aside other personal growth efforts. I put them aside partly because such efforts, I've heard, face much less resistance once the illusion of self is fully seen through, and partly so as to focus on the inquiry.
Thoughts traveled to other situations where I avoid speaking up for myself, or taking action, or making requests. I avoid cancelling and rescheduling engagements with friends. I avoid noticing, acknowledging any of my accomplishments, such as losing 14 pounds, anything I did in my professional career, allowing closeness with Black people, community activism
When I imagine acting against these habits, here's what comes up:
sensations: pulsing in the throat like crying, tingling in the arms.
thoughts: I'm alone, and there's no comfortable script
I'm exposed
Without a script, I won't know how to act
Reminds me of what Maitri says about how Enneatype 6 doesn't see that they have a center. We think there is nothing to rely on inside.
None of the above is brand new to me, but it is arising in my consciousness now for some reason, and there is an idea that now is a good time in my life to challenge these self-limiting habits. For the past three years I have been focused on inquiry into the nature of self, and have put aside other personal growth efforts. I put them aside partly because such efforts, I've heard, face much less resistance once the illusion of self is fully seen through, and partly so as to focus on the inquiry.
Sunday, March 17, 2019
An error in logic that diminishes joy
I experience ease and/or joy associated with a mundane experience, such as sitting in the sun preparing my federal tax return.
A thought arises: I shouldn't be relaxing into ease via mundane activities. I should be spending my time in more spiritual ways. Either flat-out spiritual practice, such as meditation, inquiry or inner child work, or being quietly mindful of the present moment (vs. engaged in a mental activity)
If I'm lucky, another thought arises: Wait a sec! Ease and joy in everyday life is the entire object of the spiritual path! Dampening those experiences with self-chastisement is not the way to go! Au contraire, I could go for self-satisfaction: isn't ease and joy in everyday life in part a product of my path?
A thought arises: I shouldn't be relaxing into ease via mundane activities. I should be spending my time in more spiritual ways. Either flat-out spiritual practice, such as meditation, inquiry or inner child work, or being quietly mindful of the present moment (vs. engaged in a mental activity)
If I'm lucky, another thought arises: Wait a sec! Ease and joy in everyday life is the entire object of the spiritual path! Dampening those experiences with self-chastisement is not the way to go! Au contraire, I could go for self-satisfaction: isn't ease and joy in everyday life in part a product of my path?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)