Fear

Since my last post I've been continuing to look closely at fear. This morning I did 40 minutes of metta (lovingkindess) meditation, followed by 20 minutes of looking at the sensations of fear in my right throat and torso. I noticed more clearly the thoughts that happen when I put attention on these sensations: I should be doing something different. I don't know what I'm doing. I should be doing something else. I should be doing what someone else tells me to do. I don't know where this is going. I'm afraid of curling up into a tiny ball.

Actually, what I noticed more clearly was the emptiness of these thoughts. What I noticed was how little basis they have in reality. Very exciting.

I made a commitment to stay in the present moment throughout the day as much as possible--to never consciously escape, and to use the reminder that appears every 20 minutes on my computer screen. What I've noticed most in the 100 minutes since then is fear, and the associated thoughts. I've been noting the thoughts as a way of dismissing them.

It's remarkable the extent to which my actions are motivated by fear. It's wonderful and amazing to see this more and more clearly, and thus become more and more free.