Beyond reproach

Today I had a mind clearing session. We examined my strategy of trying to live life in a way that is beyond reproach. The clearer asked me, "what are you trying to communicate to others by living in this way?"

I had never asked myself that before. I had looked at the source of the strategy, the early hurts. And I had looked at the benefits I receive from the strategy. But I had never looked at what I am trying to communicate.

I'm going to try to answer this question freshly now in this blog.

I am trying to communicate, "Please don't hurt me. I can't take any more hurt. Please just leave me alone."

And behind that is, Honestly I don't give a fuck about anybody or anything. All this social justice crap, it's just a facade. I have the utmost contempt for people who are benefiting from my so-called social justice work. I'm just trying to avoid criticism from the stupid, ignorant, crazy so-called progressive people I happen to live among. C'mon, give me a break. I really don't care and I really despise all those people! But I just cannot have people criticize me for not taking action. I just can't! I. JUST. CAN'T. And I'll do anything to avoid it. Please people, just leave me alone. You have no idea the pain I suffer when I'm criticized. I just can't stand it and I'm not going to have it anymore. I used to be carefree and naive and innocent. I didn't care about anybody but I also didn't try to hurt anybody either. I was just being myself, I was just living, I was just being, I was just enjoying this life. And then I was SMASHED. Right out of the blue. Holy cow, I'm never going to just innocently go about my business again. The world is fucking horrible, if that can happen. But you know, I know you won't give a fuck about me, because why should you? Your life is so much harder than mine right now and I won't deny that. Nobody ever believed that it hurt so much to be smashed, and if they did believe me, who cares, what good would it do? Here I am, I have two houses, I have excellent health, I have two amazing partners who are younger than me and one of them is rich, and my father is going to leave me a lot of real estate. I live in a safe city in a safe country and I'm treated like a white person. I'm super smart and I can get a job whenever I want and I know how to navigate the system. I'm hella privileged. So nobody is going to give me any sympathy. But even if I weren't privileged nobody would give me sympathy because there's no real sympathy to be had in this world. So please just leave me alone. Nobody believed me back then, nobody helped me, and nobody is going to believe me or help me now. Who has the capacity? This world is so deficient and I can't wait to leave it and finally rest. I'm one of the richest people in the world and I hardly have any capacity to help others myself. Yes, I was smashed. Boom, out of the sky. Taken away from my innocent play and isolated in my room. Nobody believed me when I said, I didn't know! I didn't know! I had no idea! I didn't know I was doing anything wrong! Nobody will believe me, nobody will even listen to me!

Dialogs with Mom as an antidote to shame

Three weeks ago I was feeling strong shame about ... something. Somebody said something to me ... oh yes. It was feedback that C had given me in my volunteer job at Aegis. I had used the telephone together with an agitated resident, and C emailed that maybe the telephone had worsened the agitation and the head nurse asked that I never use the telephone again. I felt terrible and was about to reply with a compliant apology, but I stopped myself to try to work through my shame first.

I had tried reparenting myself in situations like this before. Allowing the inner child to speak, listening, responding. I ultimately reach back to a preverbal memory of being utterly abandoned in response to innocent behavior. The child says, "I know I am bad. Otherwise, why would they have abandoned me? How could they have done that to me unless I'm bad?" The child cannot fathom that those who loved her best and were responsible for her well being could possibly abandon her unless something was terribly wrong with her. Or rather, being so abandoned seems to the child the very definition of being bad.

And when I do this kind of inner work, the so-called adult Terry cannot find anything to say that reassures the child. "You are OK" ... "that was back then when you couldn't take care of yourself but now together we can handle things" ... none of these invocations provides substantial reassurance.

But after the email from C, I tried something different. I had just been learning, through experience, the power of deep apology. I had seen deep apology work in my relationship with Z, when Z feels shame and anger about some small slight. Though I knew the slight was small, I apologized profusely and expressed deep regret for my failing. And this meant something to Z. And then I reflected on times when others had done that for me. When Gil Fronsdal apologized for not getting me when I had hesitatingly and vaguely reached out to him for spiritual support while I was experiencing the fourth nana after my 2011 retreat (he apologized when I told him about it during a 2012 retreat). When V apologized to me in the late 1990's for having lashed out at me in a letter or email some months previous.

So after C's email, I imagined my mother apologizing profusely for her early abandonment. And I think in this it is easier that she is now dead. I imagined my 33 year old mother, young and beautiful and magically now fully wise and all-seeing, sitting by my side and saying, "Terry, dear Terry ... you did absolutely nothing wrong. My lashing out to you, my leaving you, had nothing to do with what you did or who you are. As I told you that time when you were in your 20's and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with you: there is nothing wrong with you. How could there be something wrong with you? You are my beautiful Theresa, my first-born! So perfect! I am so, so very sorry for what I did. If I could do anything to erase the hurt that I caused, I would. I did not intend to hurt you. I was hurting myself and I didn't know anything better to do. Please believe me. You are good. You are perfect. Your self-expression, your exuberance, your curiosity, your playfulness, your big loud beautiful voice ... your intelligence ... your love and compassion ... if only you knew how much I admired all of these things! If only I could have provided gentle steering, gentle guidance, instead of shaming you! Terry, please believe me. You are 100% OK. Going forward, we will face life together. I will be your ally. I will remind you of your goodness. We will put our heads together and you will gradually believe in your own goodness. And your belief in your own goodness is the best gift you can give to the world."

And this dialog eased my shame a great deal.

A day or two later, I again felt shame regarding something somebody said to me. I used this again, and again it worked. This second time, I also had to struggle with a familiar internal voice that said, "it may have worked last time, but it is not going to work again!" I've had long experience with this voice and I tried to forge ahead anyway, and I did, and I was glad.

Finally, just this evening, I conversed with Mom again in this way, in response to deep feelings of shame around a difficult problem I am currently facing. It was really difficult to persevere against the voice saying "it's not going to work again, it's stupid and possibly even harmful to keep trying!" I had to muster the utmost faith and courage to keep going, especially since at first the whole exercise seems so artificial and dry. But I did keep going, and again it brought me solace.

Very, very sweet that Mom can now help me in this way. I am more and more believing that she loved me deeply.

Insight at the bathroom scale

This morning I stepped on the scale, as I've done every morning for the past 18 months. See, 18 months ago I began working with a wellness coach with the goal of losing 10.5 pounds and getting back to the weight I had considered good enough in my mid-40s. Over the course of five months I did lose the weight, plus an additional 4 pounds, and I've been weighing myself daily ever since as part of an effort to keep the weight off. My weight has been pretty stable, although I did gain back 1.5 pounds this past winter.

I stepped on the scale and saw that the number was on the lighter side compared to the past week, and felt happy. I then looked in the mirror and saw that the shape of my body was pleasing: flattish belly, square shoulders, smooth contours. I then noticed a subtle mental movement, which, if I put words to it, would say, "OK, I can't pin my sense of dissatisfaction with myself on the shape of my body this morning. I have to find something else to pin it on." The mind then became restless, searching for some other flaw or problem to worry over.

I'd noticed this kind of thing before, but today it struck me: our anger at society for making demands that our bodies look a certain way is a bit misplaced. Yes, society does make these demands, and as a result, most women (and many men) suffer from chronic dissatisfaction with our bodies and relentless preoccupation with making our bodies look a certain way. But the root cause of all of this is a generic self-dissatisfaction that will never be uprooted by societal changes. It can only be uprooted by inner transformation.

"I'm wrong" at the core of my current identity

A thought that plagues me every moment that I'm not either asleep or fully engaged in something is, "I'm doing the wrong thing". I've been countering that with the affirmation, "Everything I do and choose is motivated by self-love and inspired by inner wisdom." Today, though, I want to take a closer look at the notion that I may be doing the wrong thing. As I write this, a bit of resistance arises.

What is the rationale behind, "I'm doing the wrong thing"?

Well, the thought arises when I'm experiencing a contraction in the right side of my face, neck, and torso. This contraction is interpreted as, "I'm wrong, I need to be fixed."

If I am wrong and need to be fixed, then clearly, whatever I'm doing in the moment hasn't fixed me (yet).

What should I be doing? There is a fantasy that I could and should be doing every good thing. I should be healing the world, learning all the knowledge, creating all the beautiful things. As long as there is any suffering in the world, any imperfection, then I am at fault for not having fixed it. I need to fix those things and feel happy while doing so. If I'm trying to fix things, trying to do good in the world, and feeling unhappy (as has at times been the case for me) then that is also a problem that needs to be fixed.

So basically, unless I am a super super human, way way way beyond the abilities of any human who has ever lived on the planet -- I need to be fixed. Ha Ha Ha!

OK, so there are various ways I can approach this. I could see the contraction in the right face/neck/torso as just interesting sensation ... it can even be seen as pleasurable. But when I do so, a deeper fear arises ... I think it is the fear of aloneness, of not knowing who I am.

So "I'm wrong" and "I'm doing the wrong thing" are core pieces of my identity, and they will arise until I become more identified with, more at ease with, what's underneath.

Tolerating arousal; fair fighting

I did some interesting inner work in the middle of the night. It was a repeat of some work I'd done a week or two ago. I was very agitated about a discussion I'd had with Z right before going to sleep. My mind was going in circles about it. I decided to shift my attention to a different thought: "I love myself". As I did so, I noticed uncomfortable sensations, sensations that had previously been dampened by the negative thought cycles. I realized that I was afraid of those sensations and had interpreted them as signs that something was amiss. I incorporated the sensations into "I love myself", thinking about loving those sensations and the part of me that gives rise to them. This was very challenging at first and required a lot of effort, faith, and courage. But in time, it led to a full and peaceful feeling, and I was able to go to sleep. This is what had happened the previous time I'd done the same work. It was very satisfying, and exciting.

Today I had a heated discussion with Z and found I had more stamina than usual. When uncomfortable sensations arose, I was able to tolerate them and avoid interpreting them as signs of danger. I told myself that engaging in this heated discussion was the appropriate and respectful thing to do. Retreating, far from being polite or loving, would have been unloving. Both of us furthered our understanding of each other and of the situation we were discussing. I also insisted that Z stay engaged at times when she seemed to be retreating. I made space for her to take a break and resume later, but I didn't tolerate her dismissing me, walking away, or sneaking in a last word after saying discussion was closed. Writing this, I realize that I could not have forced Z to do these things and that we were clearly both making an effort to engage in fair fighting. Fair fighting feels great!

Avoiding speaking up, taking action, making requests

Started thinking about my psychotherapist T this morning, whether to start up seeing him again or not. I realized that I want to avoid discussing with T my anger about the difficulty with Kaiser and my sense that he is partly responsible.

Thoughts traveled to other situations where I avoid speaking up for myself, or taking action, or making requests. I avoid cancelling and rescheduling engagements with friends. I avoid noticing, acknowledging any of my accomplishments, such as losing 14 pounds, anything I did in my professional career, allowing closeness with Black people, community activism

When I imagine acting against these habits, here's what comes up:

sensations: pulsing in the throat like crying, tingling in the arms.
thoughts: I'm alone, and there's no comfortable script
I'm exposed
Without a script, I won't know how to act

Reminds me of what Maitri says about how Enneatype 6 doesn't see that they have a center. We think there is nothing to rely on inside.

None of the above is brand new to me, but it is arising in my consciousness now for some reason, and there is an idea that now is a good time in my life to challenge these self-limiting habits. For the past three years I have been focused on inquiry into the nature of self, and have put aside other personal growth efforts. I put them aside partly because such efforts, I've heard, face much less resistance once the illusion of self is fully seen through, and partly so as to focus on the inquiry.

An error in logic that diminishes joy

I experience ease and/or joy associated with a mundane experience, such as sitting in the sun preparing my federal tax return.

A thought arises: I shouldn't be relaxing into ease via mundane activities. I should be spending my time in more spiritual ways. Either flat-out spiritual practice, such as meditation, inquiry or inner child work, or being quietly mindful of the present moment (vs. engaged in a mental activity)

If I'm lucky, another thought arises: Wait a sec! Ease and joy in everyday life is the entire object of the spiritual path! Dampening those experiences with self-chastisement is not the way to go! Au contraire, I could go for self-satisfaction: isn't ease and joy in everyday life in part a product of my path?