Avoiding speaking up, taking action, making requests

Started thinking about my psychotherapist T this morning, whether to start up seeing him again or not. I realized that I want to avoid discussing with T my anger about the difficulty with Kaiser and my sense that he is partly responsible.

Thoughts traveled to other situations where I avoid speaking up for myself, or taking action, or making requests. I avoid cancelling and rescheduling engagements with friends. I avoid noticing, acknowledging any of my accomplishments, such as losing 14 pounds, anything I did in my professional career, allowing closeness with Black people, community activism

When I imagine acting against these habits, here's what comes up:

sensations: pulsing in the throat like crying, tingling in the arms.
thoughts: I'm alone, and there's no comfortable script
I'm exposed
Without a script, I won't know how to act

Reminds me of what Maitri says about how Enneatype 6 doesn't see that they have a center. We think there is nothing to rely on inside.

None of the above is brand new to me, but it is arising in my consciousness now for some reason, and there is an idea that now is a good time in my life to challenge these self-limiting habits. For the past three years I have been focused on inquiry into the nature of self, and have put aside other personal growth efforts. I put them aside partly because such efforts, I've heard, face much less resistance once the illusion of self is fully seen through, and partly so as to focus on the inquiry.