A year ago I was immersed in a project to improve the way Sand Point Housing residents are treated by management. I had heard stories directly from residents about what was amiss. I had some comrades in wanting to address the injustice. I loved the idea of using my privilege to make headway on behalf of those lacking privilege. The way forward did not seem complicated. It appeared to involve writing letters, scheduling and attending meetings with officials, granting interviews, writing articles, attending local events, and planning together with my comrades. Wow, it sounded so fun and exciting! I had spent two years learning about power and privilege and the root causes of racism. I wanted to make a difference but did not find it appealing to participate in protests. I wanted to do something constructive and I wanted to do it in my own neighborhood. I wanted to do it in partnership with my neighbors and on behalf of neighbors. I wanted to build connection with the residents of Sand Point Housing and I saw that such connection would be a likely by-product of this kind of activism.
The first step we took was to write a strongly worded letter to the mayor about the situation, with copies sent to the press. I enjoyed working on this letter. The letter did get a bit of press. We also got immediate feedback from Solid Ground, the non-profit that is managing the housing and doing a poor job of it. The CEO of Solid Ground offered to meet with us, and the marketing director wrote an "anonymous" letter to me about the harm that I had done, which made me feel bad and took me a few days to recover from.
After that, I attended a couple of Solid Ground board meetings and met with the board president, and I arranged a meeting with our city council representative. Someone obtained the legal contracts that Solid Ground has made with the city, and I spent several hours reading and summarizing them. But other than that, although we have met every month or two, we have taken NO action in the past year! Even though I have plenty of ideas about effective actions we could take. I found, to my surprise and dismay, that I had very little motivation to move forward. What the hell was going on?
Just now I settled down with my inner child and had a talk with her about it. I asked her why she doesn't want to move forward. She said, "It's going to be too hard!"
After giving her some tender affection, I asked, "What seems hard about it?" She responded with the following:
It will be hard to make decisions about what to do next. I will be faced with doubt and confusion at every turn.
I will feel lonely unless I have one or two close partners in this work, the way that E was my close partner in the business we founded together.
I may not be successful. I may do harm.
There's nothing making me do the work, and at any moment I'd rather do things that are less fraught or more fun, like cooking, organizing, writing, visiting, or watching movies.
These are worthy of further exploration.
When I see myself retreat from projects that are hard, sometimes I despair and think that I'm a quitter, just someone who doesn't follow through on anything unless it's within a structure of some authority seeming to force me to do it, or unless it's for a tangible reward of money or acclaim. But then I notice my steadfast dedication to my spiritual life, and I see that I am not a quitter.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Further inquiries into self
Below is a small fragment I wrote on December 30 but didn't publish.
Things I am noticing today:
A clinging to positive stories about myself: "Aren't I clever!" and perhaps a clinging to belief in self so as to retain those stories. A bit of fear that without those stories, there's a dark void.
Am I willing to let go of the positive stories so as to also be rid of the negative ("I'm no good")?
Asking: who is deciding whether to visit Rosemary at Mission Villa today?
A movie plays out in the mind, where there is a bearing down, rumination over some pros and cons, and then finally a saying to myself, "OK, I'll go! That's the right thing to do and I'll feel better about myself if I don't spend all day sitting around the house!"
Things I am noticing today:
A clinging to positive stories about myself: "Aren't I clever!" and perhaps a clinging to belief in self so as to retain those stories. A bit of fear that without those stories, there's a dark void.
Am I willing to let go of the positive stories so as to also be rid of the negative ("I'm no good")?
Asking: who is deciding whether to visit Rosemary at Mission Villa today?
A movie plays out in the mind, where there is a bearing down, rumination over some pros and cons, and then finally a saying to myself, "OK, I'll go! That's the right thing to do and I'll feel better about myself if I don't spend all day sitting around the house!"
Uncovering a very early story
This morning I awoke with fear, as usual. I have several methods for working with this. This morning I tried shifting my attention toward seeing through the illusion of self to see whether the fear would dissipate as a result. I noticed that the fear is a combination of a set of bodily sensations and a set of thoughts.
Although I was able to notice this, the fear did not dissipate. The thoughts arose again and again. As I noticed the components of the fear, it would no longer feel like fear, but in the next moment one of the thoughts would captivate me. I then noticed one particular thought:
I am never going to make any progress
I have long wondered to what extent this thought has been hindering me throughout my life, particularly my spiritual life, and specifically my inquiry into self. I held this thought and inquired of the inner child: why are you never going to make any progress? The answer:
I am afraid to make progress. I am afraid to adopt a new view, or new ways of doing things.
I then asked, why afraid? I tried to treat the fearful inner child with the utmost care, tenderness, and respect. When doubt arose as to my ability to do so, I reassured myself that whatever care, tenderness, and respect I was able to muster would be enough. Slowly, more layers were uncovered:
I can't allow the notion that I have been wrong all these years.
This answer, like the previous one, was familiar from other times that I have gone down this road in my inner work. I had never before been able to go deeper. "Why?" I gently asked. After some time, the answer emerged:
I refuse to let go of who I am
"Ah, so you identify with your current worldview," I responded. "You identify with your lifelong strategies for living life. You feel that if you admit your strategies have been ineffective, or built on false assumptions, that you are losing yourself." At this point I felt discouraged and stuck. If there is an inner child who is this defended, what can be done? I continued to extend tenderness and patience, and slowly, slowly, the next layer emerged:
I will not allow to be obliterated the story that has been long buried.
Aha! What's actually being protected is the story of the initial wound(s). The inner child has been hindering so-called progress because she does not want her not-yet-fully-told story to be forgotten. She wants more attention for this story. Things looked more hopeful now.
I have delved into this story on numerous occasions over the past decade. There are no details of time, persons, place. There is no sequence of events. But the story is felt vividly. It is a story of great loss, of massive misunderstanding, of overwhelm, invasion of personal space, and subsequent abandonment. Love and safety were once felt, but were lost! They were lost seemingly as a result of something I did, or failed to do.
I allowed the thoughts and sensations of this story to unfold. I listened to the words that came up, I asked more questions about what happened. At first, all that was felt were anger, grief, utter helplessness, and despair. These had been felt before when going into this story. My present-day self also had thoughts of despair: was it futile to keep delving into this sad story? Perhaps even harmful? I remembered that, in the words of Mary Oliver, this was my one "wild and precious life" for me to live as I wanted to. And right now I wanted to be in this story (vs., for example, arising and "getting on with the day").
Slowly, almost without me realizing it, the unpleasant emotions melted into pleasant ones of safety, comfort, and love. As has been described by several of my teachers and guides, it was as though this next set of emotions was behind the previous set. I rested in this new layer of emotions, touching back from time to time into the sad story, but feeling safe and held.
At this time, E arose to prepare to go to a family breakfast. I'd been invited to that breakfast and, as is typical for me, I was paralyzed by fear that if I didn't go, I'd be seen in a negative light and abandoned. This fear makes decisions about whether to attend social engagements quite fraught. This time, remarkably, I let go of that fear and found a sense that even if I didn't attend, I was held and loved unwaveringly by Eric's family. For the first time in my memory, this particular fear lifted and revealed the truth underneath. So beautiful.
This morning's work felt very fruitful, very rewarding. And the desire for attention for the early wounding story seems, according to the dialog above, to be very much related to why I hold myself back in life. However, for the past 18 months I have refrained from going into this story because I was immersed into an inquiry into desire and ill will, and Lake, my guide in the inquiry, advised against going deeply into old stories. I stopped working with Lake about two months ago because we seemed to be at an impasse. For several weeks after that I continued the inquiry on my own, and continued to refrain from inner child work. But now, I think it is time to do some more of this work. It seems quite possible that this will be the key to me moving forward with the desire and ill will inquiry!
Although I was able to notice this, the fear did not dissipate. The thoughts arose again and again. As I noticed the components of the fear, it would no longer feel like fear, but in the next moment one of the thoughts would captivate me. I then noticed one particular thought:
I am never going to make any progress
I have long wondered to what extent this thought has been hindering me throughout my life, particularly my spiritual life, and specifically my inquiry into self. I held this thought and inquired of the inner child: why are you never going to make any progress? The answer:
I am afraid to make progress. I am afraid to adopt a new view, or new ways of doing things.
I then asked, why afraid? I tried to treat the fearful inner child with the utmost care, tenderness, and respect. When doubt arose as to my ability to do so, I reassured myself that whatever care, tenderness, and respect I was able to muster would be enough. Slowly, more layers were uncovered:
I can't allow the notion that I have been wrong all these years.
This answer, like the previous one, was familiar from other times that I have gone down this road in my inner work. I had never before been able to go deeper. "Why?" I gently asked. After some time, the answer emerged:
I refuse to let go of who I am
"Ah, so you identify with your current worldview," I responded. "You identify with your lifelong strategies for living life. You feel that if you admit your strategies have been ineffective, or built on false assumptions, that you are losing yourself." At this point I felt discouraged and stuck. If there is an inner child who is this defended, what can be done? I continued to extend tenderness and patience, and slowly, slowly, the next layer emerged:
I will not allow to be obliterated the story that has been long buried.
Aha! What's actually being protected is the story of the initial wound(s). The inner child has been hindering so-called progress because she does not want her not-yet-fully-told story to be forgotten. She wants more attention for this story. Things looked more hopeful now.
I have delved into this story on numerous occasions over the past decade. There are no details of time, persons, place. There is no sequence of events. But the story is felt vividly. It is a story of great loss, of massive misunderstanding, of overwhelm, invasion of personal space, and subsequent abandonment. Love and safety were once felt, but were lost! They were lost seemingly as a result of something I did, or failed to do.
I allowed the thoughts and sensations of this story to unfold. I listened to the words that came up, I asked more questions about what happened. At first, all that was felt were anger, grief, utter helplessness, and despair. These had been felt before when going into this story. My present-day self also had thoughts of despair: was it futile to keep delving into this sad story? Perhaps even harmful? I remembered that, in the words of Mary Oliver, this was my one "wild and precious life" for me to live as I wanted to. And right now I wanted to be in this story (vs., for example, arising and "getting on with the day").
Slowly, almost without me realizing it, the unpleasant emotions melted into pleasant ones of safety, comfort, and love. As has been described by several of my teachers and guides, it was as though this next set of emotions was behind the previous set. I rested in this new layer of emotions, touching back from time to time into the sad story, but feeling safe and held.
At this time, E arose to prepare to go to a family breakfast. I'd been invited to that breakfast and, as is typical for me, I was paralyzed by fear that if I didn't go, I'd be seen in a negative light and abandoned. This fear makes decisions about whether to attend social engagements quite fraught. This time, remarkably, I let go of that fear and found a sense that even if I didn't attend, I was held and loved unwaveringly by Eric's family. For the first time in my memory, this particular fear lifted and revealed the truth underneath. So beautiful.
This morning's work felt very fruitful, very rewarding. And the desire for attention for the early wounding story seems, according to the dialog above, to be very much related to why I hold myself back in life. However, for the past 18 months I have refrained from going into this story because I was immersed into an inquiry into desire and ill will, and Lake, my guide in the inquiry, advised against going deeply into old stories. I stopped working with Lake about two months ago because we seemed to be at an impasse. For several weeks after that I continued the inquiry on my own, and continued to refrain from inner child work. But now, I think it is time to do some more of this work. It seems quite possible that this will be the key to me moving forward with the desire and ill will inquiry!
Friday, December 28, 2018
Uncovering stories that control my life
I was having a hard time deciding whether to go with Eric on an orienteering adventure to the Anza Borrego Desert. This was an adventure we'd done several times before. We initially met at an orienteering adventure (though not at the A-B Desert). Eric loves orienteering; I like it a lot. And I love the desert.
Eric loves for me and/or Zarina to go on orienteering trips with him. He feels disappointed when we choose not to. However, once he is at the event, he is always happy and is never stuck pining away for us. When either or both of us choose to go on an orienteering adventure with Eric, we generally enjoy the orienteering, but are almost invariably frustrated by the logistical challenges of traveling with Eric. We find his driving overly aggressive, and he is habitually late.
The decision about whether to go to Anza Borrego felt very fraught. And this was a very familiar feeling to me; it comes up whenever I try to decide to do anything together with Eric, my partner of 18 years. There is an underlying story that if I choose not to go with Eric, thereby disappointing him, there will be dire consequences of some kind. This story really clouds my decision-making and takes the joy out of it.
Today I was on the phone with Eric and Zarina, talking about this, and together we decided to do an impromptu co-counseling session where they would give me space to go deeply into this story. And I did so. I went much more deeply into it than I ever had before.
I actually found three stories operating:
Eric loves for me and/or Zarina to go on orienteering trips with him. He feels disappointed when we choose not to. However, once he is at the event, he is always happy and is never stuck pining away for us. When either or both of us choose to go on an orienteering adventure with Eric, we generally enjoy the orienteering, but are almost invariably frustrated by the logistical challenges of traveling with Eric. We find his driving overly aggressive, and he is habitually late.
The decision about whether to go to Anza Borrego felt very fraught. And this was a very familiar feeling to me; it comes up whenever I try to decide to do anything together with Eric, my partner of 18 years. There is an underlying story that if I choose not to go with Eric, thereby disappointing him, there will be dire consequences of some kind. This story really clouds my decision-making and takes the joy out of it.
Today I was on the phone with Eric and Zarina, talking about this, and together we decided to do an impromptu co-counseling session where they would give me space to go deeply into this story. And I did so. I went much more deeply into it than I ever had before.
I actually found three stories operating:
- My younger brother Paul, as a young child, is struggling in life. He is unhappy and he doesn't know how to make himself happy. He acts out a lot. I desperately want to make him happy. I keep trying but I don't know what to do. I feel so, so sorry for him. I feel deeply sad, and angry. Why is he so unhappy? It's not fair! Why am I doing OK, and he isn't? Why is he struggling? I just hate that he is struggling so much and I am so, so sad that I cannot reach him! (This story actually happened. Paul struggled off and on throughout life, and eventually committed suicide, at age 40.)
- I am trying to hold onto somebody very dear to me. I have to do and say enough of the right things to keep them near to me. If I don't do enough of these things, they will float away, just like an untethered spacewalking astronaut. Once untethered, they will float away irretrievably, and no matter how desperately I call after them, no matter how hard I try to reach out to them and pull them back, they are gone, disappearing as I watch.
- I have a fantasy from childhood that my parents, my two brothers, and I are walking happily across a grassy field, hand in hand. We are wearing gauzy clothing and we are completely content. There is no conflict. We live happily ever after. As this fantasy plays in my mind, the song, "Everybody's Talkin'" plays. The song brings up a deep sense of melacholy.
Wow, this was fascinating to see.
I saw that I project the story about Paul onto Eric. Eric has, in fact, struggled a lot (or at least this is the story he tells). His struggle is to fit into the world well enough to survive, to work hard enough to make a living and to please his partners. The story about Paul has been richly activated on a few occasions when Eric has spoken emotionally about his struggles and I have responded with despair and pity, even tears. When Eric asks me to go on orienteering trips with him, I imagine that by going on a trip with him I can make him happy, at least for a while, and relieve his suffering. I know that it is not a permanent solution but I feel guilty that I do not struggle as much as he does so I assuage that guilt by giving of myself in order to allow him some temporary happiness. (As an aside, I act out this story also by giving regularly to people, mostly strangers, who appear to be suffering due to disadvantage.)
I saw also that I project the story of the untethered astronaut onto Eric. I fear that if I don't say "yes" to enough of his requests (for travel, for sex, for assistance) that I will lose him forever. (I also act this out to some extent in every close relationship I have.) I imagine this story arose when I was a baby or toddler, with regard to my familial relationships, perhaps mostly my relationship with my mother.
Finally, I saw that I project the childhood fantasy onto prospective orienteering adventures. I imagine that such adventures could, at least someday, provide the simple, carefree happiness I find in the fantasy. If I don't go on any of those adventures, I won't find that happiness. This explains why I am often blindsided by the logistical difficulties of these adventures, even though travel with Eric has been logistically difficult for me from the very beginning. In delving into this with Eric and Zarina today, I saw that I believe I am somehow entitled to carefree travels with them, and I saw anger that after 18 years I am still finding it difficult to travel with Eric and that I am resentful about it.
I wondered, and wonder, in what ways Eric actively plays into these stories in order to get sympathy, and in order to satisfy his desires. I wonder how I can become free of these stories. Maybe some Byron Katie work?
I apologized to Zarina on this call. She has pointed out on numerous occasions that I seem to be captivated by an image of Eric as a little boy, and that I thus capitulate to him, baby him, coddle him, and fail to expect that he behave like a man. Until today I had not acknowledged the extent to which she has been correct.
Monday, December 3, 2018
Tracking healing progress
The 7th and final day of Artie Wu's program (written about a week ago)
Types of wounding, soothing, and shielding (perfectionism & people pleasing)
Shaming language levers (silence, image control)
Discovering the missing board member (inner child)
Parent's unconditional love
Unconditional self-love (inner granny)
Rescripting
Signs of healing:
1. kinder self-talk
2. diminished suffering => diminished soothing/shielding
3. people in my life will start to shift. Gradually, some will leave, others will appear, like the changing of the seasons
because I will talk to them in a less shaming way
and because I will no longer tolerate being shamed
4. (longer term) I will have more time, and the board members who never got support for their projects will start to raise their hands
Which of these initial changes have you already seen in your path?
Kinder self-talk. It's only been 12 hours since I did the rescripting session, so it's only happened a little
Which changes do you expect to see next?
Diminished soothing/shielding, due to rescripting AND reconnecting with the missing board members, assuming I do continue to spend some time with them each day.
How do you expect your relationships might change over time - at work, or at home?
Will have closer, more satisfying and more secure friendships. Very excited about that.
More ease at home with Eric and Zarina
Types of wounding, soothing, and shielding (perfectionism & people pleasing)
Shaming language levers (silence, image control)
Discovering the missing board member (inner child)
Parent's unconditional love
Unconditional self-love (inner granny)
Rescripting
Signs of healing:
1. kinder self-talk
2. diminished suffering => diminished soothing/shielding
3. people in my life will start to shift. Gradually, some will leave, others will appear, like the changing of the seasons
because I will talk to them in a less shaming way
and because I will no longer tolerate being shamed
4. (longer term) I will have more time, and the board members who never got support for their projects will start to raise their hands
Which of these initial changes have you already seen in your path?
Kinder self-talk. It's only been 12 hours since I did the rescripting session, so it's only happened a little
Which changes do you expect to see next?
Diminished soothing/shielding, due to rescripting AND reconnecting with the missing board members, assuming I do continue to spend some time with them each day.
How do you expect your relationships might change over time - at work, or at home?
Will have closer, more satisfying and more secure friendships. Very excited about that.
More ease at home with Eric and Zarina
Saturday, November 24, 2018
Rescripting
Day 6 of Artie Wu's program
Artie says that my inner parent (seems to be similar to superego) is continuing to mimic what it heard from my actual parents, even though it may have misheard, and even though the actual parents were misguided.
His teaching here is very similar to the affirmations of Louse Haye. I've loved affirmations in the past but have been avoiding them since beginning the Liberation Unleashed / 10 Fetters method of inquiry. When I began with LU, I was instructed to drop all other techniques. Later, after I "passed the gate", Christiane said, "why take on techniques that are based in thought? why not just go for seeing through the illusions that make you believe thoughts?" My current guide, Lynne, also seems in general to be against possibly conflicting techniques. I'll let Lynne know I'm playing with scripts/affirmations.
Current inner script (mostly copied from several earlier blog posts) with rewrites in italics:
You're doing the wrong thing
You don't know what you're doing
My choices are wrong
I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me
If I do something enjoyable and mindless, I'm wasting my time
There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!
If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones.
What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom
If I experience a moment of joy, I must immediately assure my safety by redirecting my attention to my list of concerns
It is safe to rest after experiencing joy
If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.
I am safe without acquiring more. I can rest.
There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.
Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.
If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself
"Don't know what to do" is a rich place to be
"Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be
Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary
Ah, a setback! Hello, setback!
Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.
My fantasy about strict schedules arose from a deep self-love and longing to be safe. I now release that fantasy.
If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster
Zarina loves me unconditionally
Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.
Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.
This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.
This sensation is part of being alive! No need to investigate. There is no problem.
Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.
Awakening is simple, and nearer than near.
---------
As Artie suggests, I'll copy these onto a piece of paper that I'll keep in my pocket.
Already, I've employed a few lines of the alternative script intensively. First, What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom is called for almost constantly! When I let that message sink in, sensations arise that are interpreted as uncomfortable. Then it's time for This sensation is part of being alive! It has no meaning, and there is no problem. After the self-criticism is set aside, and the idea that sensation indicates a problem, I'm left with disorientation, and it's time for "Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be, and Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.
Artie says that my inner parent (seems to be similar to superego) is continuing to mimic what it heard from my actual parents, even though it may have misheard, and even though the actual parents were misguided.
His teaching here is very similar to the affirmations of Louse Haye. I've loved affirmations in the past but have been avoiding them since beginning the Liberation Unleashed / 10 Fetters method of inquiry. When I began with LU, I was instructed to drop all other techniques. Later, after I "passed the gate", Christiane said, "why take on techniques that are based in thought? why not just go for seeing through the illusions that make you believe thoughts?" My current guide, Lynne, also seems in general to be against possibly conflicting techniques. I'll let Lynne know I'm playing with scripts/affirmations.
Current inner script (mostly copied from several earlier blog posts) with rewrites in italics:
You're doing the wrong thing
You don't know what you're doing
My choices are wrong
I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me
If I do something enjoyable and mindless, I'm wasting my time
There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!
If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones.
What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom
If I experience a moment of joy, I must immediately assure my safety by redirecting my attention to my list of concerns
It is safe to rest after experiencing joy
If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.
I am safe without acquiring more. I can rest.
There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.
Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.
If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself
"Don't know what to do" is a rich place to be
"Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be
Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary
Ah, a setback! Hello, setback!
Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.
My fantasy about strict schedules arose from a deep self-love and longing to be safe. I now release that fantasy.
If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster
Zarina loves me unconditionally
Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.
Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.
This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.
This sensation is part of being alive! No need to investigate. There is no problem.
Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.
Awakening is simple, and nearer than near.
---------
As Artie suggests, I'll copy these onto a piece of paper that I'll keep in my pocket.
Already, I've employed a few lines of the alternative script intensively. First, What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom is called for almost constantly! When I let that message sink in, sensations arise that are interpreted as uncomfortable. Then it's time for This sensation is part of being alive! It has no meaning, and there is no problem. After the self-criticism is set aside, and the idea that sensation indicates a problem, I'm left with disorientation, and it's time for "Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be, and Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.
As I go through this series, thoughts from the programmed script arise repeatedly in a frantic, quasi-cyclic manner, and there is no time to counter each one with the alternative. No wonder: the programmed script is a deeply ingrained habit, the alternative script is a powerful pushback that takes me to a very unfamiliar place.
For the new script to be useful, I think I'll need to review the lines during idle times of day, so that the ideas and the feelings of them become very familiar to me and will be called up quickly when needed, especially given the frantic cycling.
The scripting I'm looking at here is on a deep level, perhaps deeper than Artie's typical audience.
Some additional lines for the alternative script that are appearing useful as I do this work:
Utmost courage (from Sandra Maitri)
Panic is an illusion. I am safe.
The unknown appears so vast, I will never have time to explore it and find my bearings again. Better to stay in the finite space of habit.
There is safety in this vastness, far more than in habit.
I must plan to avoid suffering in the future
The future will take care of itself.
I must bear this discomfort without breathing. Breathing is cheating.
I must bear this discomfort without breathing. Breathing is cheating.
You have a right to breathe!
After a few minutes more of working with alternative scripts, I am finding that they can be greatly abbreviated:
Safe
Richness
Faith
Courage
Wisdom
Aliveness
No problem
Breathe
Unconditional love
Illusion
Safety in vastness
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
The inner self-negative voice
Day 4 of program, "Your parents' unconditional love":
Teacher posits that virtually all parents actually do love their children unconditionally, and that, by extension, we are all lovable exactly as we are. This seems true to me, because I feel love for all beings, no matter how awful they are, and although for my own well being I may need to separate myself from some dangerous or unpleasant people, the love is always there and always ready to be expressed once it seems safe.
Have you experienced this type of misunderstanding with your own parents?
Yes. In my 20s I carried with me the belief that my mother found me disgusting and unacceptable, a belief I'd carried since childhood. One day I gathered my courage and asked her whether she thought there was something wrong with me. She immediately said, "Of course not! How could you think there is something wrong with you? You are my beautiful first born child!" This was a turning point for me. Her voice was so sincere, it changed the assumptions I had about her view of me, and, in turn, it changed my own self-view.
It's remarkable to me now that I once thought there was "something wrong" with me, that I was defective and inferior most other people, because that belief seems to be mostly gone now.
I never had any doubt that my father loved me unconditionally.
How does this change how you may speak to yourself internally?
I think the teacher is asking whether this insight into the unconditional love of others might change how I speak to myself internally going forward. No answer comes up immediately.
How does this change how you may want to shield and soothe going forward?
I wonder whether I can drop some of the debilitating shielding behaviors I described in my last post, especially perfectionism and people-pleasing. I am currently working on being aware of these behaviors and noticing ways I can drop them, and I think I've been dropping some of them sometimes. I'm definitely less of a pleaser than I used to be.
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