Friday, September 14, 2012
Log 09/14/12
Noon 75 minutes seated noting. First 45 minutes in Studio P3, then a half hour with my sitting group at work. Much less suffering than yesterday. I was able to relax more. It seemed that I let go (for today, at least) some habit of fierce grasping of experience.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Log 09/13/12
Haven't felt like logging much lately. Also, have been meditating less than 1.5 hours/day most days for past 2.5 weeks or more.
1:50pm 87 minutes seated silent noting in Studio P3 at work. (I quit before 90 minutes.) Quite difficult. I was almost constantly aware of a holding (associated with trauma-related tensions in right side) that I felt desperate to release. Pressure, tension, anguish, expanding, releasing, letting go, relaxing, aching, tension, anguish, pulsing, quivering, letting go ... sleepiness (several times I fell into a dreamy state, then "awoke" into a state without much thought) ... craving, clinging ... coolness, hunger. Mind was fairly quiet; when thinking occurred, I let go quickly ... thinking, shame, anguish ...
1:50pm 87 minutes seated silent noting in Studio P3 at work. (I quit before 90 minutes.) Quite difficult. I was almost constantly aware of a holding (associated with trauma-related tensions in right side) that I felt desperate to release. Pressure, tension, anguish, expanding, releasing, letting go, relaxing, aching, tension, anguish, pulsing, quivering, letting go ... sleepiness (several times I fell into a dreamy state, then "awoke" into a state without much thought) ... craving, clinging ... coolness, hunger. Mind was fairly quiet; when thinking occurred, I let go quickly ... thinking, shame, anguish ...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Log 09/12/12
7:30 am 12 minutes seated noting
11:15 am 30 minutes seated noting. So sad to emerge. Today, felt the sadness.
There is a sticker on my computer monitor: FEEL THE FEAR. I spent half the work day feeling the fear. Noticing the resistance to doing work, then imagining the giant person towering over me, menacingly, berating me and threatening me. This helps me have compassion for myself in my non-productivity. But it doesn't help me do the work. Finally at a couple choc chip cookies and got down to it.
11:15 am 30 minutes seated noting. So sad to emerge. Today, felt the sadness.
There is a sticker on my computer monitor: FEEL THE FEAR. I spent half the work day feeling the fear. Noticing the resistance to doing work, then imagining the giant person towering over me, menacingly, berating me and threatening me. This helps me have compassion for myself in my non-productivity. But it doesn't help me do the work. Finally at a couple choc chip cookies and got down to it.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Log 09/09/12
7:00 a.m. One hour 45 minutes seated noting. Neither particularly pleasant nor particularly unpleasant. Good concentration, little distraction, was happy to meditate and didn't desire to stop (but also didn't resist stopping). No cycles of experience/sensation. Didn't feel like A&P. Notes included expanding, pressure, hearing, pleasure, tension, craving (for some better experience), rocking, tingling, releasing, contact, warmth.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated anapanasati concentration practice. I had a caffeine buzz from Linnea's birthday tea party a few hours earlier. The practice was very enjoyable and pleasant! A lot of pleasure ... I find myself having an unbelieving attitude toward the pleasure: this can't be happening, it can't be good, it can't be safe to enjoy this. I absolutely loved the gradual going deeper ... initially noticing tensions and distractions, wondering whether they will ever subside and whether I should do anything to make them subside ... intending to relax into the experience ... occasionally drifting into sleepiness ... and then, from time to time, just noticing that indeed I've gone deeper and the hindrances are at bay and it is so enjoyable and peaceful.
Considering doing this practice as my main practice for the coming week leading up to my retreat.
11pm 15 minutes anapanasati concentration practice before going to sleep.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated anapanasati concentration practice. I had a caffeine buzz from Linnea's birthday tea party a few hours earlier. The practice was very enjoyable and pleasant! A lot of pleasure ... I find myself having an unbelieving attitude toward the pleasure: this can't be happening, it can't be good, it can't be safe to enjoy this. I absolutely loved the gradual going deeper ... initially noticing tensions and distractions, wondering whether they will ever subside and whether I should do anything to make them subside ... intending to relax into the experience ... occasionally drifting into sleepiness ... and then, from time to time, just noticing that indeed I've gone deeper and the hindrances are at bay and it is so enjoyable and peaceful.
Considering doing this practice as my main practice for the coming week leading up to my retreat.
11pm 15 minutes anapanasati concentration practice before going to sleep.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Log 09/08/12
10:45 At desk at work, spent a few minutes touching my right jaw, noticing, feeling, moving. I employed noting somewhat. The usual rocking, suckling, desire, yearning, pleasure ... hearing, pulsing, pressure, release ... and something new: an intense sensation akin to pain in the right chest. Overall, a sense of desperation, of not knowing what's coming, not knowing what I need, not knowing what to do. And a never-satisfied yearning for some unknown thing.
I meet with Beth in a few hours. I have this notion that I've not been meditating diligently, that I've been misbehaving and will be reprimanded.
I meet with Beth in a few hours. I have this notion that I've not been meditating diligently, that I've been misbehaving and will be reprimanded.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Log 09/07/12
7am 80 minutes seated noting. Lots of thinking about r'ship with Eric. A curious mix of mental anguish (shame, craving, clinging, thinking, fear, sadness) and exquisitely pleasurable sensory experience (hearing, feeling).
Afterward, tried to get something from Eric: love? acknowledgement? I want him to agree with my point of view about his life. I felt despairing that, as he claimed, I cannot meet him with gentleness.
10am 30 minutes noting on bus. Similar experience to 7am sit.
1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Strong desire to keep meditating; aversion to the end of the session (as I've been experiencing for weeks when meditating with others at work).
10:30 pm 10 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.
Afterward, tried to get something from Eric: love? acknowledgement? I want him to agree with my point of view about his life. I felt despairing that, as he claimed, I cannot meet him with gentleness.
10am 30 minutes noting on bus. Similar experience to 7am sit.
1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Strong desire to keep meditating; aversion to the end of the session (as I've been experiencing for weeks when meditating with others at work).
10:30 pm 10 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.
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