Why it all feels futile

This morning while meditating I paid attention to sensations in my right upper chest and throat. Strong urges to dismiss them: "what a waste of time, it's useless, I have more important things to do". Kept directing attention there again and again. Eventually got into mindset of myself as a very young child, feeling clearly in my body the certainty that if I acted, if I tried to do what I wanted or needed to do, I was going to get smashed. This is where the idea "it's useless" likely comes from. At that time in my life, it was indeed useless, futile, to try to do what I wanted. Others had absolute power over me. I knew this abstractly before, but today felt it for the first time. Felt lighter the rest of the morning.