Suffering is inevitable.
There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.
Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.
I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me
If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself
Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.
There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary
It's impossible to cut through all the thoughts that are causing me suffering. Don't try to get to the bottom of it; be satisfied with one layer or two.
Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.
Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!
If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
More thoughts that lead to suffering ... and a respite from that suffering!!!
If I'm doing something enjoyable and mindless, like watching a movie or TV, organizing data, cleaning house, working in the garden, eating delicious food, styling my hair, purchasing something I really want, engaging in Facebook conversation, or reading stuff on the internet, I'm doing something wrong. I ought to be doing my spiritual practice. (Note that in some cases this is at odds with the belief that I need to acquire new things).
If I buy some pleasure by ingesting caffeine, I'm doubly doing something wrong.
If I experience a moment of joy, I need to immediately ensure that I'm safe by directing my attention to my list of concerns (the time, my to-do list, delinquent obligations, preparing for the next social encounter, supporting my health, avoiding any impending discomfort).------------
Holy cow. The past hour or so, I've kept these in mind (as well as the thoughts I documented in an earlier post) and I've been avoiding a lot of second darts!
It's OK to enjoy life!
I'm trusting that, by refraining from self-punishment, I'll not be any worse off than otherwise!
When I feel an uncomfortable sensation, instead of punishing myself for it, I've been offering myself compassion. And I don't mean anything more complicated then just pausing a sec and noting, "oh, that seemed uncomfortable, and that's fine." Not only do I avoid the second dart, but immediately the sensation ceases to be uncomfortable and my experience of it is of playful delight!
When I enjoy something mindless, I just enjoy it!
This is part of enlightenment!!! so no need to beat myself up over not doing formal spiritual practice. The point of those practices is precisely to end suffering. Might as well go directly for the ending of suffering by just ceasing to cause myself suffering :-D
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Thoughts that lead to suffering
Today I read Adyashanti's The Way of Liberation. He proposes some topics of contemplation. Contemplation is not a usual part of my spiritual practice, but it appealed to me while reading about it in this book. I took some time to contemplate the following:
Suffering occurs when you believe in a thought that is at odds with what is, what was, or what may be.I sat still, and whenever suffering occurred, I looked to see what thought might be behind the suffering. For many, but not all, instances of suffering, I found such a thought. I saw some thoughts I hadn't been aware of before:
If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.
Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.I also saw some thoughts that I had already discovered in the recent past:
This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.
Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.
If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Being with myself
I don't know what to do. I am sad. What am I sad about? I am sad that my deepest longing has never been fulfilled and likely never will be; I am sad that it is so deep and so painful that I avoid even looking at it and can't tell you what it is right now.
There is that familiar longing feeling in the right side of my mouth, a desire to chew and suck (though actually chewing and sucking is not what is desired), the upturning of the right corner of my mouth, constriction at the top of the throat, and tingling in the right chest and right arm. The thought arises, "it is the same as always, nothing new" and then, "I've seen in the past that even though it is nothing new, something new usually arises."
Waiting.
For the past year I have been deeply engaged in studying and breaking the ten fetters. I have daily contact with a guide and thoughout my days, when I am not engaged in busy-ness (and sometimes when I am), my attention inclines toward the practices and inquiries that my guide gives me. I have not spent a lot of time engaging in story-oriented or personality-oriented types of inquiry, partly because I've been engaged in this other process, and partly because my guide discourages me from this. But today, for now, I am engaging.
I am doing the wrong thing right now, there are about 47 different other things that are overdue and by not doing them I am setting myself up for pain in the future. People will be displeased with me. Oh! I do not want to look at that!
A swelling in the right chest, a welling up ...
Who will be displeased with me? In what manner?
My tenants will be displeased that I haven't taken care of tasks like repairing the basement bathroom walls.
My potential donors in the Giving Project will be displeased that I didn't contact them earlier about giving.
There is that familiar longing feeling in the right side of my mouth, a desire to chew and suck (though actually chewing and sucking is not what is desired), the upturning of the right corner of my mouth, constriction at the top of the throat, and tingling in the right chest and right arm. The thought arises, "it is the same as always, nothing new" and then, "I've seen in the past that even though it is nothing new, something new usually arises."
Waiting.
For the past year I have been deeply engaged in studying and breaking the ten fetters. I have daily contact with a guide and thoughout my days, when I am not engaged in busy-ness (and sometimes when I am), my attention inclines toward the practices and inquiries that my guide gives me. I have not spent a lot of time engaging in story-oriented or personality-oriented types of inquiry, partly because I've been engaged in this other process, and partly because my guide discourages me from this. But today, for now, I am engaging.
I am doing the wrong thing right now, there are about 47 different other things that are overdue and by not doing them I am setting myself up for pain in the future. People will be displeased with me. Oh! I do not want to look at that!
A swelling in the right chest, a welling up ...
Who will be displeased with me? In what manner?
My tenants will be displeased that I haven't taken care of tasks like repairing the basement bathroom walls.
My potential donors in the Giving Project will be displeased that I didn't contact them earlier about giving.
Monday, May 21, 2018
What does it mean to be rude, and why might one wish to avoid rude behavior.
I wrote this in 2004.
All of us find it difficult when there is a lot of uncertainty in our
lives. Some of us enjoy uncertainty, but all of us have thresholds
beyond which uncertainty creates unpleasant stress.
One way we manage discomfort in our lives is by anticipating what
uncomfortable situations might arise, and preparing ourselves for them.
Often this preparation takes place on the psychological level. Often it
is habitual and unconscious. For example, a person might be somewhat
uncomfortable in social situations. At the same time, he or she might
actually enjoy parties. Such a person will, perhaps unconsciously,
think about the party ahead of time, what it will be like, and whom they
might encounter there. They will try to get themselves into a mood for
enjoying a party. This can involve invoking certain self-protective
behaviors or psychological mechanisms that help guard them against the
discomfort of socializing, and help direct their attention to the
enjoyable aspects of the socializing at this party. Generally, this is
possible because parties are infrequent and usually predictable. If
parties came into such a person's life arbitrarily and suddenly, it would
be much more difficult for the person to get themselves into the party
mood, and parties would probably become unpleasant intrusions.
Each society has developed certain customs which help people anticipate
discomfort. Referring to the above example, it is customary to discuss
with one's housemates a potential party. Custom does not, however,
dictate that we forewarn those around us about all possible discomforts.
For example, during the day time, we don't forewarn those around us that
we might receive a phone call. Although the ringing of the phone is an
intrusive noise, custom dictates a protocol of phone usage that allows
phone calls to happen arbitrarily during the day (in general; there are
some vague exceptions such as dinnertime). Those of us who find the
ringing of the phone uncomfortable find ways to psychologically accommodate
arbitrary phone ringing: we hear it, we feel momentarily disturbed, and
we then let go of our anger about being disturbed because we know, from
years of living with the phone, that it is something we simply must live
with. Hearing the phone ring all day may make us tired over time from
repeatedly being disturbed and then letting it go. However, it makes us
less tired than it would had we not been accustomed to phone ringing.
Thus, hearing a similarly intrusive noise with a similar frequency -- such
as a jackhammer down the street -- disturbs us more.
Also, hearing the phone ring in a context where it is not customary --
such as in the wilderness -- is also more disturbing than hearing it at
home. This is one reason why older people have trouble accepting cell
phones. One hears arguments such as, "We go to the wilderness to relax
and hear the sounds of nature, not to hear the sounds of civilization."
However, there is at least one other sound of civilization that one
always hears in the wilderness -- the sound of an airplane passing
overhead. It likely that the sound of phones in the wilderness will
disturb a person more than the sound of airplanes, however, because we
have become accustomed to the sound of airplanes, whereas we have been
accustomed to the *absence* of the sound of telephones. We hear the
airplane, we are momentarily disturbed, and we let it go, usually on an
unconscious level. The sound may not even disturb us momentarily
(why?).
To summarize, "custom" includes a set of usually unwritten rules about
which disturbances can be expected when. Societies develop customs so
that the individuals in the society can, to some degree, anticipate
disturbing or uncomfortable situations that may arise, and thus weather
them with less discomfort.
To be rude is to create an unanticipated disturbance. Rude behaviors
are not morally wrong, they are just potentially disturbing actions that
are inconsistent with custom. Because they are inconsistent with
custom, witnesses do not have psychological mechanisms in place to deal
with their feelings of being disturbed, and are thus more likely to be
made quite uncomfortable by them.
The word "rude" has negative connotations. If somebody says, "That was
so rude!" the implication is that the person behaving rudely had intent
to disturb, or, at the very least, chose their comfort, enjoyment,
and/or spontaneity over the comfort of those around them. More often it
is the latter; however, often a person exhibiting rude behavior does not
even know they are making such a choice. In fact, they may not even
know that they are disturbing anybody. When a sensitive person
innocently does something that disturbs others and is then called
"rude", it can hurt deeply.
When might we wish to avoid rude behavior? When we value the comfort of
those around us, or value their good opinions of us. More often than
most of us would like to admit, our polite behavior (politeness is the
opposite of rudeness) is motivated by the latter rather than the former.
All of us find it difficult when there is a lot of uncertainty in our
lives. Some of us enjoy uncertainty, but all of us have thresholds
beyond which uncertainty creates unpleasant stress.
One way we manage discomfort in our lives is by anticipating what
uncomfortable situations might arise, and preparing ourselves for them.
Often this preparation takes place on the psychological level. Often it
is habitual and unconscious. For example, a person might be somewhat
uncomfortable in social situations. At the same time, he or she might
actually enjoy parties. Such a person will, perhaps unconsciously,
think about the party ahead of time, what it will be like, and whom they
might encounter there. They will try to get themselves into a mood for
enjoying a party. This can involve invoking certain self-protective
behaviors or psychological mechanisms that help guard them against the
discomfort of socializing, and help direct their attention to the
enjoyable aspects of the socializing at this party. Generally, this is
possible because parties are infrequent and usually predictable. If
parties came into such a person's life arbitrarily and suddenly, it would
be much more difficult for the person to get themselves into the party
mood, and parties would probably become unpleasant intrusions.
Each society has developed certain customs which help people anticipate
discomfort. Referring to the above example, it is customary to discuss
with one's housemates a potential party. Custom does not, however,
dictate that we forewarn those around us about all possible discomforts.
For example, during the day time, we don't forewarn those around us that
we might receive a phone call. Although the ringing of the phone is an
intrusive noise, custom dictates a protocol of phone usage that allows
phone calls to happen arbitrarily during the day (in general; there are
some vague exceptions such as dinnertime). Those of us who find the
ringing of the phone uncomfortable find ways to psychologically accommodate
arbitrary phone ringing: we hear it, we feel momentarily disturbed, and
we then let go of our anger about being disturbed because we know, from
years of living with the phone, that it is something we simply must live
with. Hearing the phone ring all day may make us tired over time from
repeatedly being disturbed and then letting it go. However, it makes us
less tired than it would had we not been accustomed to phone ringing.
Thus, hearing a similarly intrusive noise with a similar frequency -- such
as a jackhammer down the street -- disturbs us more.
Also, hearing the phone ring in a context where it is not customary --
such as in the wilderness -- is also more disturbing than hearing it at
home. This is one reason why older people have trouble accepting cell
phones. One hears arguments such as, "We go to the wilderness to relax
and hear the sounds of nature, not to hear the sounds of civilization."
However, there is at least one other sound of civilization that one
always hears in the wilderness -- the sound of an airplane passing
overhead. It likely that the sound of phones in the wilderness will
disturb a person more than the sound of airplanes, however, because we
have become accustomed to the sound of airplanes, whereas we have been
accustomed to the *absence* of the sound of telephones. We hear the
airplane, we are momentarily disturbed, and we let it go, usually on an
unconscious level. The sound may not even disturb us momentarily
(why?).
To summarize, "custom" includes a set of usually unwritten rules about
which disturbances can be expected when. Societies develop customs so
that the individuals in the society can, to some degree, anticipate
disturbing or uncomfortable situations that may arise, and thus weather
them with less discomfort.
To be rude is to create an unanticipated disturbance. Rude behaviors
are not morally wrong, they are just potentially disturbing actions that
are inconsistent with custom. Because they are inconsistent with
custom, witnesses do not have psychological mechanisms in place to deal
with their feelings of being disturbed, and are thus more likely to be
made quite uncomfortable by them.
The word "rude" has negative connotations. If somebody says, "That was
so rude!" the implication is that the person behaving rudely had intent
to disturb, or, at the very least, chose their comfort, enjoyment,
and/or spontaneity over the comfort of those around them. More often it
is the latter; however, often a person exhibiting rude behavior does not
even know they are making such a choice. In fact, they may not even
know that they are disturbing anybody. When a sensitive person
innocently does something that disturbs others and is then called
"rude", it can hurt deeply.
When might we wish to avoid rude behavior? When we value the comfort of
those around us, or value their good opinions of us. More often than
most of us would like to admit, our polite behavior (politeness is the
opposite of rudeness) is motivated by the latter rather than the former.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Progress with anger
Today I reflected on how far I've come in my understanding of anger over the past 15 years. I used to think of myself as a very angry person. It seemed there was a well of anger inside me. I wondered if I just needed to "get it all out" somehow. Anger arose for me in every non-superficial relationship. Expressing the anger was destructive (I didn't know how to express it constructively), and keeping it inside was also destructive. This made relationships really uncomfortable. Gradually, though, I saw that there was no well of anger-- just a set of stories that kept getting re-activated. Wow! And gradually I saw that the stories were empty. So it didn't matter if stories arose when I was around people. I saw that I wasn't being inauthentic to just let go of the stories; there was no need to voice them. I saw the usefulness of exploring the stories by conversing with my child self. Finally, now, doing an intensive guided inquiry into the nature of emotional reactivity, I am seeing that the stories don't even need to arise-- they only arise out of habit, and the habit is not useful and can be broken. I just realized that I no longer think of myself as an angry person. Pretty cool!
Saturday, September 30, 2017
My difficulties as a student of Computer Science
Today, a facebook friend who's a computer science instructor asked women in CS, "What helped you get through? What didn't?" Here's what I replied in the comments:
The one thing that I know for sure helped me "get through" was my boyfriend during my Intro to CS class at UC Berkeley in 1979. I didn't know anything about computers and the teacher spoke to us as though we'd already taken CS in high school. (I hadn't taken it in high school because I didn't know what it was, only geeky boys took it, and nobody, but nobody, even suggested it to me even though I was very talented in math.) My boyfriend (thanks, Brian Kell) knew about computers and helped me understand the concepts. (He's now an intro CS instructor!) If it weren't for Brian I would have gotten very frustrated and perhaps given up. In the end I got an A+ in the course and added CS as a second major to Biochemistry.
My parents were not college educated, so I did not have them as role models, but that may have been a net positive-- it gave me a lot of freedom from expectation.
I wanted to get a PhD in CS at UW, but I ended up quitting. I feel really disappointed about that, even though I went on to have a satisfying career. What I think I needed and didn't get was gentle but persistently intensive mentoring. Someone who really believed in me and made sure I succeeded. I have a personality that resists mentoring, even by women. I went through three graduate advisors. My perception was that the (all male) faculty was sincerely trying to support me and it never crossed my mind that any of my difficulties had anything to do with my sex. The only memory I have of any kind of sexism was when I organized a Women in CS luncheon and heard complaints from male classmates. I had chosen an interdisciplinary research topic and felt completely on my own regarding how to bring it all together. I put together an inter-departmental committee and consulted regularly with the faculty in the other departments (Biochemistry and Genetics), took summer jobs in my specialty and designed my own internship at UCSF, but in the end felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I blamed my failure on myself for choosing an overly difficult topic that nobody on the faculty cared about, but in the years after I quit, my peculiar interdisciplinary interest became a hot subject (now called bioinformatics or computational biology) that several UW CS faculty now publish in. Kinda makes you go Hmmmmm ...
The one thing that I know for sure helped me "get through" was my boyfriend during my Intro to CS class at UC Berkeley in 1979. I didn't know anything about computers and the teacher spoke to us as though we'd already taken CS in high school. (I hadn't taken it in high school because I didn't know what it was, only geeky boys took it, and nobody, but nobody, even suggested it to me even though I was very talented in math.) My boyfriend (thanks, Brian Kell) knew about computers and helped me understand the concepts. (He's now an intro CS instructor!) If it weren't for Brian I would have gotten very frustrated and perhaps given up. In the end I got an A+ in the course and added CS as a second major to Biochemistry.
My parents were not college educated, so I did not have them as role models, but that may have been a net positive-- it gave me a lot of freedom from expectation.
I wanted to get a PhD in CS at UW, but I ended up quitting. I feel really disappointed about that, even though I went on to have a satisfying career. What I think I needed and didn't get was gentle but persistently intensive mentoring. Someone who really believed in me and made sure I succeeded. I have a personality that resists mentoring, even by women. I went through three graduate advisors. My perception was that the (all male) faculty was sincerely trying to support me and it never crossed my mind that any of my difficulties had anything to do with my sex. The only memory I have of any kind of sexism was when I organized a Women in CS luncheon and heard complaints from male classmates. I had chosen an interdisciplinary research topic and felt completely on my own regarding how to bring it all together. I put together an inter-departmental committee and consulted regularly with the faculty in the other departments (Biochemistry and Genetics), took summer jobs in my specialty and designed my own internship at UCSF, but in the end felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I blamed my failure on myself for choosing an overly difficult topic that nobody on the faculty cared about, but in the years after I quit, my peculiar interdisciplinary interest became a hot subject (now called bioinformatics or computational biology) that several UW CS faculty now publish in. Kinda makes you go Hmmmmm ...
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