It's been five months since I last posted. I feel sad to have little record of what's happened in my inner life during that time. S asked me what was going on with my blog; zie enjoys reading it and has missed it.
For the past few years I've been experiencing various aches and pains, most of which I suppose are psychogenic. In recent months I've had all-over body aches at night that can wake me up. I've discovered that simply reciting, mentally, "My body is glowing with health," is enough to take away the unpleasantness of the aching and allow me to rest. This is quite remarkable, and is consistent with the writings of John Sarno, which have been very helpful to Z and her father.
A couple weeks ago, I awoke with the all-over body aches, and considered reciting the mantra. Immediately, the thought arose, "No, that will not work. It worked in the past, but it can't continue to work."
I recognized this as part of a pattern--a pattern of believing that a practice that previously brought me very successful results will no longer do so. Where did that belief come from? Crazy stuff! As a consequence of that belief, I've given up all kinds of useful practices.
This time, I felt into the belief. What sensations and inner messages were behind it? I saw that there was great anger and grief associated with the belief that a practice could continue to be successful. "I don't want to grow up! I don't want to take care of myself! I don't want to be alone!" Keeping attention on these sensations and messages, I persisted with "my body is glowing with health", feeling relief from the body aches but discomfort with the anger and grief. It seemed as though, by noticing the power of this mantra, the power I have over my own well-being, I was also noticing that I am no longer a small child who needs to be taken care of, and experiencing the grief of letting go and the fear of thus being alone. The grief seemed to also be about having wasted so many decades being attached to this notion of myself as small and weak.
I borrowed a couple of books on the Enneagram from my co-worker L: Riso and Hudson's "The Wisdom of the Enneagram", and Sandra Maitri's "The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram". I'd gotten these from the library in mid-2013 and found them really useful. I'm now working from the assumption that I'm at point 6 on the Enneagram. I think of point 6 as really uninteresting and reading about it triggers feelings of contempt; perhaps that's evidence that it's my point. During 2000-2013 I'd thought I was at point 4, but when I became reacquainted with the Enneagram in 2013 it seemed likely that I was not at point 4. Points 1, 5, and 6 seemed more likely. L is an expert on the Enneagram so when zie said that my erect body carriage suggested I was a 1, I took that as my new hypothesis. But just about 10 days ago when I re-read the Type Attitude Sorters in Riso and Hudson, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I matched the sorter for point 6 way better than that for point 1.
The writings for both point 1 and point 6 have been of tremendous help with my inner work lately. People at point 6 have lost touch with their inner guidance and look toward multiple outside sources for guidance. Letting go of these outside sources, "she will be faced with her aloneness as she lets the inner object relations dissolve and begins to experience her soul without these veils." "Facing the emptiness ... will take all of the courage she can muster." That is where I am.
I awoke around 3am today and became engaged in this work. The fear, anger, and grief that arose was quite uncomfortable and brought up nausea that I am still feeling 2 hours later. I rejoice that I am facing this stuff and that I have the skills and knowledge to handle it productively.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
The overwhelming urge to feel OK about oneself
I feel so ashamed to say it -- but I chose to work from home today, and I actually worked for a grand total of about 30 minutes, even though I spent almost 4 hours at my computer. And the 30 minutes was not very productive.
Lately I've been noticing how, after almost any event in my life, large or small, my mind is inclined to review the event and frame it in such a way that I can feel OK about it, and that is consistent with the story I like to tell about myself. For example, while I am working for my employer, I typically engage in fantasies of completing many goals and imagining how good it will feel to accomplish those goals. This is pleasant. But as the work period (an hour, a day, a week) nears its end, if I have not accomplished what I desired, I can no longer use those fantasies to feel OK. As shame and fear fill my being, I've caught myself reframing: thinking thoughts such as, "Well, everyone has periods of low productivity. It's OK. Also, my higher goal is spiritual development, and low productivity, while painful in the short term, may be helpful in the long term by humbling me and encouraging me to anchor myself in the spiritual, rather than the material. Also, the thing I was working on today wasn't really that important. Perhaps it will be OK or even preferable to do without it."
Another example: yesterday I did something nice or helpful for someone. I can't remember what it was. But I do remember that afterward, I was driven to reflect on it and add it to the story of Terry: "What a nice, kind person I am! It is so good and pleasant that I do kind things like this."
All day today I've been accompanied by a schmear of fear and shame. First, I spent two hours trying to get our vacuum cleaner fixed, then becoming educated about vacuum cleaners, trying to find out from our housecleaner what type of vacuum cleaner she would prefer, and buying a new vacuum cleaner. I imagined the whole thing would be a 20 minute errand. The rest of the day I thought I should be getting down to work but this is what I did instead: ate a meal, talked for over an hour with Craig, my contractor, about important things regarding the remodeling project, talked with E and Z, went back and forth with a couple of plumbers who are providing work on the project, made a fruit smoothie and ate it, read about the work culture of Amazon, watched a video of more police brutality, ate some cold, limp French fries that Z brought me, meditated. (And worked for about 30 minutes.)
The story I told myself to feel better was similar to the story above: "There was nothing that was essential to complete today. I will be more productive when I go into the office tomorrow, where I have big monitors, there are fewer distractions, there is air conditioning, and I can snack on chocolate for energy and focus. And the schmear of shame and fear I experienced all day -- that doesn't mean I've wasted my day. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person."
But, before getting involved in that story, I noticed the craving to have such a story. I noticed the felt need to tell myself a story in order to feel OK about myself--indeed, in order even to feel that I am somebody, that I exist. For the first time, I saw this story-telling as a habit, and the need for this story-telling as evidence of the chokehold that the ego, the personality, the self has over my experience of living. I know that seeing is the first step toward freedom. Yay.
During meditation, the craving to feel OK was very strong and convincing. I noticed that, even when I thought I was letting go of it, I wasn't fully letting go of it. I was still believing it. Still believing something like, "Yes, of course I am a bad person, but this meditation should help me feel more relaxed and OK. I cannot totally abandon this craving to feel OK, because it is this craving that motivates me to do the things I need to do to survive, such as fulfill my various duties to my employer, my partners, my tenants, my creditors, my friends and associates." Seeing the persistence of this belief, I let go even more. Beyond that is peacefulness and enjoyment ... and, a nagging doubt, a very strong nagging doubt: this can't be enough, this can't be OK.
Lately I've been noticing how, after almost any event in my life, large or small, my mind is inclined to review the event and frame it in such a way that I can feel OK about it, and that is consistent with the story I like to tell about myself. For example, while I am working for my employer, I typically engage in fantasies of completing many goals and imagining how good it will feel to accomplish those goals. This is pleasant. But as the work period (an hour, a day, a week) nears its end, if I have not accomplished what I desired, I can no longer use those fantasies to feel OK. As shame and fear fill my being, I've caught myself reframing: thinking thoughts such as, "Well, everyone has periods of low productivity. It's OK. Also, my higher goal is spiritual development, and low productivity, while painful in the short term, may be helpful in the long term by humbling me and encouraging me to anchor myself in the spiritual, rather than the material. Also, the thing I was working on today wasn't really that important. Perhaps it will be OK or even preferable to do without it."
Another example: yesterday I did something nice or helpful for someone. I can't remember what it was. But I do remember that afterward, I was driven to reflect on it and add it to the story of Terry: "What a nice, kind person I am! It is so good and pleasant that I do kind things like this."
All day today I've been accompanied by a schmear of fear and shame. First, I spent two hours trying to get our vacuum cleaner fixed, then becoming educated about vacuum cleaners, trying to find out from our housecleaner what type of vacuum cleaner she would prefer, and buying a new vacuum cleaner. I imagined the whole thing would be a 20 minute errand. The rest of the day I thought I should be getting down to work but this is what I did instead: ate a meal, talked for over an hour with Craig, my contractor, about important things regarding the remodeling project, talked with E and Z, went back and forth with a couple of plumbers who are providing work on the project, made a fruit smoothie and ate it, read about the work culture of Amazon, watched a video of more police brutality, ate some cold, limp French fries that Z brought me, meditated. (And worked for about 30 minutes.)
The story I told myself to feel better was similar to the story above: "There was nothing that was essential to complete today. I will be more productive when I go into the office tomorrow, where I have big monitors, there are fewer distractions, there is air conditioning, and I can snack on chocolate for energy and focus. And the schmear of shame and fear I experienced all day -- that doesn't mean I've wasted my day. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person."
But, before getting involved in that story, I noticed the craving to have such a story. I noticed the felt need to tell myself a story in order to feel OK about myself--indeed, in order even to feel that I am somebody, that I exist. For the first time, I saw this story-telling as a habit, and the need for this story-telling as evidence of the chokehold that the ego, the personality, the self has over my experience of living. I know that seeing is the first step toward freedom. Yay.
During meditation, the craving to feel OK was very strong and convincing. I noticed that, even when I thought I was letting go of it, I wasn't fully letting go of it. I was still believing it. Still believing something like, "Yes, of course I am a bad person, but this meditation should help me feel more relaxed and OK. I cannot totally abandon this craving to feel OK, because it is this craving that motivates me to do the things I need to do to survive, such as fulfill my various duties to my employer, my partners, my tenants, my creditors, my friends and associates." Seeing the persistence of this belief, I let go even more. Beyond that is peacefulness and enjoyment ... and, a nagging doubt, a very strong nagging doubt: this can't be enough, this can't be OK.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Modern superstition
Modern superstition: measuring my waist first thing after getting out of bed this morning to make sure it is smaller than the magical number of 35 inches that my wellness coach told me yesterday was maximum for good health.
I used to think I was not superstitious because I didn't care about black cats crossing my path and so forth. Now I see more and more irrational little things I do throughout each day to give me a feeling of safety.
Other examples:
Training to do the yoga pose called wheel because Jacob's 75 year old mother can do it. (Unless I can do it also, I think, I am unlikely to be as healthy as she when I am her age)
Practicing arising from sitting on the floor without touching knees or hands to the floor, because ability to do so correlates with longevity.
Wanting to follow the instructions of my doctor and of my meditation teacher exactly. Feeling relief when I do.
I think health and fitness practices are a big area for modern day superstition in the West.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Fear of death
I am experimenting with blogging using the Voice Recognition function on my phone. I just now entered about 5 minutes worth of very brilliant observations - then, I noticed that my phone had gone to sleep, & I had lost all that I had written. Anicca. [07/29/15: entry edited to fix voice recognition failures]
Whereas craving has been prominent in my practice, both on and off the cushion, for the past 10 months, today I saw a shift - I saw the fear of annihilation beneath the craving. I saw that the ego really really doesn't want to go away. How it seems that there is nothing beyond ego. That without ego I am nothing.
I just bought a second house. I bought the house behind my back fence, and now I am having a lot of work done on it. Expensive work, and work that, at least initially, involves a lot of destruction. When I hear the work, I feel anxiety. The anxiety is not simply worry that the work may not be done properly, or may not turn out as I would like, or may not be worth the money I am spending. I can see that it is about rapidity of change - seeing things that are perfectly good as they are being destroyed, and not in my control.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Continuous practice
Attending a session of science presentations and discussion, knowing that liberation, enlightenment is a priority overshadowing my wishes to be a good employee and scientist, trying to be aware while listening, absorbing, and participating. Hard to do. Initiating awareness seems to trigger a tightening in the chest that seems solid and to which I feel aversion. More pleasant to zone out (though not actually being pleasant)
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Practice notes
10:53 a.m.
Had invited Jacob, Rich, Laura, and Rita to join me in sitting. Decided to do walking meditation until someone showed up. I was feeling the heavy malaise I sometimes (often?) feel during retreat or long periods of practice. The tension in the right throat and chest, accompanied by a mental state that seems to say, "Life without stimulation is dreary and a waste of time. It is really bad to be in this state." I experience strong aversion to this state and this is a big reason I dislike being on retreat.
I felt a determination to investigate this today. But how? I walked slowly back and forth, doing a kind of whispered inquiry: "Who is it whose chest is tight? Who dislikes this feeling? Who is it that thinks this is bad? Who wants to escape? Who thinks she has to do this practice in order to awaken?" After 10 or 15 minutes that particular malaise evaporated leaving me with a more subtle dis-ease. "Who identifies with those sensations? Who is afraid of disappearing? Who wants the sensations to come back?"
Nobody had shown up to sit with me. Decided to do some yoga before sitting. Did poses and stretches that called to me. Didn't note.
Noon
Sat on my cushion and set timer for one hour. Whispered noting for 20 minutes, then, because I was feeling drowsy and dull, did 20 minutes of walking meditation with whispered noting. Then, 20 minutes more of whispered noting. Noted through transitions from sitting to walking and back again. Details below:
During the first part of sitting, I continued to crave stimulation, to be doing something else, anything else. I did general noting at first, then noted my level of craving on a scale of 1-5 ("Craving 1, Craving 2, Craving 3, Craving 3, Craving 0 ... "). I observed that the craving was not always continuous. Then, because I was also experiencing aversion, alternated noting craving and aversion.
After transitioning to walking, I noted the actual sensations and actions of walking. I walked very slowly and noted about 20 or 25 times per step: lifting, lifting, lifting, shifting, shifting, bending, lowering, placing, placing .... I remembered how U Pandita (I think) used to ask his students to break things down very finely, to keep noticing new things about each activity. I still experienced a lot of craving but chose not to note it, usually, and to instead focus on the sensations and actions of walking. Towards the end I got down to the details of which muscles were being activated: "Hamstrings. Hamstrings. Hip flexors. Quads. Quads. ... "
After one very slow round trip through the hallway, sat down again and did general noting. Hearing, hearing, pulsing, expanding, craving, hearing, hearing, pressure, hearing, sensation, releasing, craving. Whereas a couple of years ago I regularly noted sadness, sleepiness, and anger, these are not a common part of my experience while sitting anymore. Mostly physical sensations and craving; occasionally aversion. I tried to relax and note at a relaxed pace as Beth suggests. After some time the craving subsided and I began to feel more ease and even subtle joy, although I didn't ever note ease or joy. When the bell rang I felt briefly angry that my session was over, and amused that I could crave for it to be over and also be angry when it ended.
Might have noticed one or two shifts during the sitting that may have been the different nanas, but wasn't obvious what the nanas were and I didn't try to think about it.
Had invited Jacob, Rich, Laura, and Rita to join me in sitting. Decided to do walking meditation until someone showed up. I was feeling the heavy malaise I sometimes (often?) feel during retreat or long periods of practice. The tension in the right throat and chest, accompanied by a mental state that seems to say, "Life without stimulation is dreary and a waste of time. It is really bad to be in this state." I experience strong aversion to this state and this is a big reason I dislike being on retreat.
I felt a determination to investigate this today. But how? I walked slowly back and forth, doing a kind of whispered inquiry: "Who is it whose chest is tight? Who dislikes this feeling? Who is it that thinks this is bad? Who wants to escape? Who thinks she has to do this practice in order to awaken?" After 10 or 15 minutes that particular malaise evaporated leaving me with a more subtle dis-ease. "Who identifies with those sensations? Who is afraid of disappearing? Who wants the sensations to come back?"
Nobody had shown up to sit with me. Decided to do some yoga before sitting. Did poses and stretches that called to me. Didn't note.
Noon
Sat on my cushion and set timer for one hour. Whispered noting for 20 minutes, then, because I was feeling drowsy and dull, did 20 minutes of walking meditation with whispered noting. Then, 20 minutes more of whispered noting. Noted through transitions from sitting to walking and back again. Details below:
During the first part of sitting, I continued to crave stimulation, to be doing something else, anything else. I did general noting at first, then noted my level of craving on a scale of 1-5 ("Craving 1, Craving 2, Craving 3, Craving 3, Craving 0 ... "). I observed that the craving was not always continuous. Then, because I was also experiencing aversion, alternated noting craving and aversion.
After transitioning to walking, I noted the actual sensations and actions of walking. I walked very slowly and noted about 20 or 25 times per step: lifting, lifting, lifting, shifting, shifting, bending, lowering, placing, placing .... I remembered how U Pandita (I think) used to ask his students to break things down very finely, to keep noticing new things about each activity. I still experienced a lot of craving but chose not to note it, usually, and to instead focus on the sensations and actions of walking. Towards the end I got down to the details of which muscles were being activated: "Hamstrings. Hamstrings. Hip flexors. Quads. Quads. ... "
After one very slow round trip through the hallway, sat down again and did general noting. Hearing, hearing, pulsing, expanding, craving, hearing, hearing, pressure, hearing, sensation, releasing, craving. Whereas a couple of years ago I regularly noted sadness, sleepiness, and anger, these are not a common part of my experience while sitting anymore. Mostly physical sensations and craving; occasionally aversion. I tried to relax and note at a relaxed pace as Beth suggests. After some time the craving subsided and I began to feel more ease and even subtle joy, although I didn't ever note ease or joy. When the bell rang I felt briefly angry that my session was over, and amused that I could crave for it to be over and also be angry when it ended.
Might have noticed one or two shifts during the sitting that may have been the different nanas, but wasn't obvious what the nanas were and I didn't try to think about it.
Thirsting for liberation, inquiring into the self
Did first 3 days of a 7 day Insight Dialogue retreat with Gregory Kramer and Mary Burns on Samish Island last weekend. Suffered as usual with vague mental/physical malaise felt in the right throat/chest. Asked of the universe that I be completely liberated, whatever it takes, even if it involves great pain, suffering, or loss. That I prefer it not be difficult, but am willing for it to be difficult. Before and after retreat I read two of Jan Frazier's books. Frazier had a spontaneous, complete, permanent awakening at age 50. She evocatively conveys what it is like to awaken and to be awake, more eloquently and at greater length than any other writer I've read. This inspired me, stirred in me the knowledge that it can happen in this very life.
Apparently, my wish communicated itself to some part of my psyche, because a couple of hours ago, in the middle of sleep, I had flashes of clear seeing of the ridiculousness of my ego in operation. First, a sudden, unbeckoned dream-like imagining of someone saying something like, "Your work is complete crap." I felt the shame and contraction I usually feel, but with a tiny bit more spaciousness, and an immediate recognition of how crazy it is to allow a statement like that to affect me so. Soon afterward, a similar imagining of receiving a work email that began, "This is the worst paper I've ever read." Similar response. Thereafter, more imaginings, this time seeming to arise more of my conscious volition, of things that usually upset me, and active inquiry into their nature. What does my reaction feel like? What is it like to see it as not-self? What is the yearning, fear, or sense of incompleteness that arises when I see it as not-self? These are evidence of clinging to identification with self.
In one of her books, Jan Frazier asks the reader to inquire whether she truly desires liberation, or mostly wants her mundane life to be more comfortable. I did such inquiry yesterday. When I began practicing Buddhist meditation in the Vipassana tradition 15 years ago, my purpose was clear: to suffer less. I experienced much more suffering at that time. I also had little understanding of what liberation really was. I craved peak experiences. All of this has shifted over time. However, I saw yesterday that I still strive mightily for things in the mundane realm: comfort, and some other things less easily named.
Yesterday, I saw as the highlights of my experience those moments when my ego was challenged. This is exactly in response to Frazier's writings. I welcomed those moments, knowing that those are the times when I can learn and let go. I welcomed feeling agitated when Gustavo asked me about my work. I welcomed feeling frustrated when I found I was going to be late for a lecture. The day before, I welcomed feeling defensive when a co-worker mentioned that my phone rings a lot when I am absent from my desk.
Two weeks ago, on May 17, I saw that my neighbor's house had been put up for sale. I moved quickly to buy it. Part of this is ego-driven, following a desire to expand my domain, to be a property owner, to be a creator of community. It has made me busier and will continue to make me busier for a while. I think it was a wise decision, though.
Apparently, my wish communicated itself to some part of my psyche, because a couple of hours ago, in the middle of sleep, I had flashes of clear seeing of the ridiculousness of my ego in operation. First, a sudden, unbeckoned dream-like imagining of someone saying something like, "Your work is complete crap." I felt the shame and contraction I usually feel, but with a tiny bit more spaciousness, and an immediate recognition of how crazy it is to allow a statement like that to affect me so. Soon afterward, a similar imagining of receiving a work email that began, "This is the worst paper I've ever read." Similar response. Thereafter, more imaginings, this time seeming to arise more of my conscious volition, of things that usually upset me, and active inquiry into their nature. What does my reaction feel like? What is it like to see it as not-self? What is the yearning, fear, or sense of incompleteness that arises when I see it as not-self? These are evidence of clinging to identification with self.
In one of her books, Jan Frazier asks the reader to inquire whether she truly desires liberation, or mostly wants her mundane life to be more comfortable. I did such inquiry yesterday. When I began practicing Buddhist meditation in the Vipassana tradition 15 years ago, my purpose was clear: to suffer less. I experienced much more suffering at that time. I also had little understanding of what liberation really was. I craved peak experiences. All of this has shifted over time. However, I saw yesterday that I still strive mightily for things in the mundane realm: comfort, and some other things less easily named.
Yesterday, I saw as the highlights of my experience those moments when my ego was challenged. This is exactly in response to Frazier's writings. I welcomed those moments, knowing that those are the times when I can learn and let go. I welcomed feeling agitated when Gustavo asked me about my work. I welcomed feeling frustrated when I found I was going to be late for a lecture. The day before, I welcomed feeling defensive when a co-worker mentioned that my phone rings a lot when I am absent from my desk.
Two weeks ago, on May 17, I saw that my neighbor's house had been put up for sale. I moved quickly to buy it. Part of this is ego-driven, following a desire to expand my domain, to be a property owner, to be a creator of community. It has made me busier and will continue to make me busier for a while. I think it was a wise decision, though.
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