Attending a session of science presentations and discussion, knowing that liberation, enlightenment is a priority overshadowing my wishes to be a good employee and scientist, trying to be aware while listening, absorbing, and participating. Hard to do. Initiating awareness seems to trigger a tightening in the chest that seems solid and to which I feel aversion. More pleasant to zone out (though not actually being pleasant)
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Practice notes
10:53 a.m.
Had invited Jacob, Rich, Laura, and Rita to join me in sitting. Decided to do walking meditation until someone showed up. I was feeling the heavy malaise I sometimes (often?) feel during retreat or long periods of practice. The tension in the right throat and chest, accompanied by a mental state that seems to say, "Life without stimulation is dreary and a waste of time. It is really bad to be in this state." I experience strong aversion to this state and this is a big reason I dislike being on retreat.
I felt a determination to investigate this today. But how? I walked slowly back and forth, doing a kind of whispered inquiry: "Who is it whose chest is tight? Who dislikes this feeling? Who is it that thinks this is bad? Who wants to escape? Who thinks she has to do this practice in order to awaken?" After 10 or 15 minutes that particular malaise evaporated leaving me with a more subtle dis-ease. "Who identifies with those sensations? Who is afraid of disappearing? Who wants the sensations to come back?"
Nobody had shown up to sit with me. Decided to do some yoga before sitting. Did poses and stretches that called to me. Didn't note.
Noon
Sat on my cushion and set timer for one hour. Whispered noting for 20 minutes, then, because I was feeling drowsy and dull, did 20 minutes of walking meditation with whispered noting. Then, 20 minutes more of whispered noting. Noted through transitions from sitting to walking and back again. Details below:
During the first part of sitting, I continued to crave stimulation, to be doing something else, anything else. I did general noting at first, then noted my level of craving on a scale of 1-5 ("Craving 1, Craving 2, Craving 3, Craving 3, Craving 0 ... "). I observed that the craving was not always continuous. Then, because I was also experiencing aversion, alternated noting craving and aversion.
After transitioning to walking, I noted the actual sensations and actions of walking. I walked very slowly and noted about 20 or 25 times per step: lifting, lifting, lifting, shifting, shifting, bending, lowering, placing, placing .... I remembered how U Pandita (I think) used to ask his students to break things down very finely, to keep noticing new things about each activity. I still experienced a lot of craving but chose not to note it, usually, and to instead focus on the sensations and actions of walking. Towards the end I got down to the details of which muscles were being activated: "Hamstrings. Hamstrings. Hip flexors. Quads. Quads. ... "
After one very slow round trip through the hallway, sat down again and did general noting. Hearing, hearing, pulsing, expanding, craving, hearing, hearing, pressure, hearing, sensation, releasing, craving. Whereas a couple of years ago I regularly noted sadness, sleepiness, and anger, these are not a common part of my experience while sitting anymore. Mostly physical sensations and craving; occasionally aversion. I tried to relax and note at a relaxed pace as Beth suggests. After some time the craving subsided and I began to feel more ease and even subtle joy, although I didn't ever note ease or joy. When the bell rang I felt briefly angry that my session was over, and amused that I could crave for it to be over and also be angry when it ended.
Might have noticed one or two shifts during the sitting that may have been the different nanas, but wasn't obvious what the nanas were and I didn't try to think about it.
Had invited Jacob, Rich, Laura, and Rita to join me in sitting. Decided to do walking meditation until someone showed up. I was feeling the heavy malaise I sometimes (often?) feel during retreat or long periods of practice. The tension in the right throat and chest, accompanied by a mental state that seems to say, "Life without stimulation is dreary and a waste of time. It is really bad to be in this state." I experience strong aversion to this state and this is a big reason I dislike being on retreat.
I felt a determination to investigate this today. But how? I walked slowly back and forth, doing a kind of whispered inquiry: "Who is it whose chest is tight? Who dislikes this feeling? Who is it that thinks this is bad? Who wants to escape? Who thinks she has to do this practice in order to awaken?" After 10 or 15 minutes that particular malaise evaporated leaving me with a more subtle dis-ease. "Who identifies with those sensations? Who is afraid of disappearing? Who wants the sensations to come back?"
Nobody had shown up to sit with me. Decided to do some yoga before sitting. Did poses and stretches that called to me. Didn't note.
Noon
Sat on my cushion and set timer for one hour. Whispered noting for 20 minutes, then, because I was feeling drowsy and dull, did 20 minutes of walking meditation with whispered noting. Then, 20 minutes more of whispered noting. Noted through transitions from sitting to walking and back again. Details below:
During the first part of sitting, I continued to crave stimulation, to be doing something else, anything else. I did general noting at first, then noted my level of craving on a scale of 1-5 ("Craving 1, Craving 2, Craving 3, Craving 3, Craving 0 ... "). I observed that the craving was not always continuous. Then, because I was also experiencing aversion, alternated noting craving and aversion.
After transitioning to walking, I noted the actual sensations and actions of walking. I walked very slowly and noted about 20 or 25 times per step: lifting, lifting, lifting, shifting, shifting, bending, lowering, placing, placing .... I remembered how U Pandita (I think) used to ask his students to break things down very finely, to keep noticing new things about each activity. I still experienced a lot of craving but chose not to note it, usually, and to instead focus on the sensations and actions of walking. Towards the end I got down to the details of which muscles were being activated: "Hamstrings. Hamstrings. Hip flexors. Quads. Quads. ... "
After one very slow round trip through the hallway, sat down again and did general noting. Hearing, hearing, pulsing, expanding, craving, hearing, hearing, pressure, hearing, sensation, releasing, craving. Whereas a couple of years ago I regularly noted sadness, sleepiness, and anger, these are not a common part of my experience while sitting anymore. Mostly physical sensations and craving; occasionally aversion. I tried to relax and note at a relaxed pace as Beth suggests. After some time the craving subsided and I began to feel more ease and even subtle joy, although I didn't ever note ease or joy. When the bell rang I felt briefly angry that my session was over, and amused that I could crave for it to be over and also be angry when it ended.
Might have noticed one or two shifts during the sitting that may have been the different nanas, but wasn't obvious what the nanas were and I didn't try to think about it.
Thirsting for liberation, inquiring into the self
Did first 3 days of a 7 day Insight Dialogue retreat with Gregory Kramer and Mary Burns on Samish Island last weekend. Suffered as usual with vague mental/physical malaise felt in the right throat/chest. Asked of the universe that I be completely liberated, whatever it takes, even if it involves great pain, suffering, or loss. That I prefer it not be difficult, but am willing for it to be difficult. Before and after retreat I read two of Jan Frazier's books. Frazier had a spontaneous, complete, permanent awakening at age 50. She evocatively conveys what it is like to awaken and to be awake, more eloquently and at greater length than any other writer I've read. This inspired me, stirred in me the knowledge that it can happen in this very life.
Apparently, my wish communicated itself to some part of my psyche, because a couple of hours ago, in the middle of sleep, I had flashes of clear seeing of the ridiculousness of my ego in operation. First, a sudden, unbeckoned dream-like imagining of someone saying something like, "Your work is complete crap." I felt the shame and contraction I usually feel, but with a tiny bit more spaciousness, and an immediate recognition of how crazy it is to allow a statement like that to affect me so. Soon afterward, a similar imagining of receiving a work email that began, "This is the worst paper I've ever read." Similar response. Thereafter, more imaginings, this time seeming to arise more of my conscious volition, of things that usually upset me, and active inquiry into their nature. What does my reaction feel like? What is it like to see it as not-self? What is the yearning, fear, or sense of incompleteness that arises when I see it as not-self? These are evidence of clinging to identification with self.
In one of her books, Jan Frazier asks the reader to inquire whether she truly desires liberation, or mostly wants her mundane life to be more comfortable. I did such inquiry yesterday. When I began practicing Buddhist meditation in the Vipassana tradition 15 years ago, my purpose was clear: to suffer less. I experienced much more suffering at that time. I also had little understanding of what liberation really was. I craved peak experiences. All of this has shifted over time. However, I saw yesterday that I still strive mightily for things in the mundane realm: comfort, and some other things less easily named.
Yesterday, I saw as the highlights of my experience those moments when my ego was challenged. This is exactly in response to Frazier's writings. I welcomed those moments, knowing that those are the times when I can learn and let go. I welcomed feeling agitated when Gustavo asked me about my work. I welcomed feeling frustrated when I found I was going to be late for a lecture. The day before, I welcomed feeling defensive when a co-worker mentioned that my phone rings a lot when I am absent from my desk.
Two weeks ago, on May 17, I saw that my neighbor's house had been put up for sale. I moved quickly to buy it. Part of this is ego-driven, following a desire to expand my domain, to be a property owner, to be a creator of community. It has made me busier and will continue to make me busier for a while. I think it was a wise decision, though.
Apparently, my wish communicated itself to some part of my psyche, because a couple of hours ago, in the middle of sleep, I had flashes of clear seeing of the ridiculousness of my ego in operation. First, a sudden, unbeckoned dream-like imagining of someone saying something like, "Your work is complete crap." I felt the shame and contraction I usually feel, but with a tiny bit more spaciousness, and an immediate recognition of how crazy it is to allow a statement like that to affect me so. Soon afterward, a similar imagining of receiving a work email that began, "This is the worst paper I've ever read." Similar response. Thereafter, more imaginings, this time seeming to arise more of my conscious volition, of things that usually upset me, and active inquiry into their nature. What does my reaction feel like? What is it like to see it as not-self? What is the yearning, fear, or sense of incompleteness that arises when I see it as not-self? These are evidence of clinging to identification with self.
In one of her books, Jan Frazier asks the reader to inquire whether she truly desires liberation, or mostly wants her mundane life to be more comfortable. I did such inquiry yesterday. When I began practicing Buddhist meditation in the Vipassana tradition 15 years ago, my purpose was clear: to suffer less. I experienced much more suffering at that time. I also had little understanding of what liberation really was. I craved peak experiences. All of this has shifted over time. However, I saw yesterday that I still strive mightily for things in the mundane realm: comfort, and some other things less easily named.
Yesterday, I saw as the highlights of my experience those moments when my ego was challenged. This is exactly in response to Frazier's writings. I welcomed those moments, knowing that those are the times when I can learn and let go. I welcomed feeling agitated when Gustavo asked me about my work. I welcomed feeling frustrated when I found I was going to be late for a lecture. The day before, I welcomed feeling defensive when a co-worker mentioned that my phone rings a lot when I am absent from my desk.
Two weeks ago, on May 17, I saw that my neighbor's house had been put up for sale. I moved quickly to buy it. Part of this is ego-driven, following a desire to expand my domain, to be a property owner, to be a creator of community. It has made me busier and will continue to make me busier for a while. I think it was a wise decision, though.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Notes from recent practice
This post has more unexplained jargon than usual. All terminology is explained in Ingram's Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha.
I hope I am on my way to 2nd path, now that the frequency and regularity of my Vipassana practice has increased.
Was doubting that I'd attained first path. Then out of the blue had a fruition during a recent sit. Or at least I had something that Kenneth Folk said was a fruition back in the weeks after first path when I was having them a lot. Something like sleepiness, then something like falling asleep for just a second. Then a bliss wave.
I want another one so I can pay more attention to it. Several more!
Last night I was meditating -- noting, actually -- in my sleep. For hours. Don't know what that's about. It wasn't as vivid as it was during my first time through the A&P. I don't think it's my second time through the A&P because I seemed to go through that in August 2012, the couple of days right before orienteering in Laramie. I should be past the 2nd A&P.
In recent weeks I have been paying more attention to the nanas as I pass through then during each sitting and I am finally getting a feel for them. States that I'd formerly thought of as bad meditation I now see as nanas and not bad at all. In particular, Dissolution, where one sees mainly the endings of things - I find it hard to note during that nana and had previously thought it was poor concentration. It's just the 5th nana. I especially enjoy the 8th (?) nana, Desire for Deliverance. Before I knew how to recognize it, it's description made it sound quite unpleasant. But it's amazing to be so clear that samsara is undesirable, so wonderful to know with certainty that letting go is the absolute right thing to do. Finally, the 10th nana, Equanimity, can have poor concentration and that's just a feature of that nana that one has to be wary of.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Log 04/15/15
Practicing a lot in recent days. Practiced last night before bed, then this morning upon awakening, then again before getting dressed. Noting practice, trying to stay relaxed. Beth: "Each moment is an invitation to relax". Still, though, wishing to notice phenomena more crisply and thoroughly. I have doubt that noting only occasional phenomena will work.
I'm not remembering the details of each session as clearly as I used to 2-3 years ago. Here's what I remember from my early morning sitting: attention was not crisp. Thoughts kept arising. I was mostly physically comfortable. The thoughts were very enticing; they were plans for practice and also plans for other things, like seeing a movie on Saturday. The past few days I'd been trying to notice the nanas, but today I decided to let that go since it is a distraction. Lately I have been noting joy more and noticing the mind's response to look for a problem. My intention is not to explore this, but to simply note it. Because thoughts can be so engaging and distracting, I desire to stop the thoughts from developing by noticing and noting the tingling sensation ("tingling") that seems to give rise to the thought. I enjoy practicing this way but I imagine that Beth would not approve so I have some doubt about practicing this way.
Picked up Shaila's book "Wisdom Wide and Deep" and re-read the part about the nanas and also the introduction. I feel desire to attend her retreat next month. I want to gain skill in jhana.
Time to catch bus to work.
I'm not remembering the details of each session as clearly as I used to 2-3 years ago. Here's what I remember from my early morning sitting: attention was not crisp. Thoughts kept arising. I was mostly physically comfortable. The thoughts were very enticing; they were plans for practice and also plans for other things, like seeing a movie on Saturday. The past few days I'd been trying to notice the nanas, but today I decided to let that go since it is a distraction. Lately I have been noting joy more and noticing the mind's response to look for a problem. My intention is not to explore this, but to simply note it. Because thoughts can be so engaging and distracting, I desire to stop the thoughts from developing by noticing and noting the tingling sensation ("tingling") that seems to give rise to the thought. I enjoy practicing this way but I imagine that Beth would not approve so I have some doubt about practicing this way.
Picked up Shaila's book "Wisdom Wide and Deep" and re-read the part about the nanas and also the introduction. I feel desire to attend her retreat next month. I want to gain skill in jhana.
Time to catch bus to work.
A new perspective on dukkha
Today I've noticed myself having a new perspective on the dukkha I experience. It's subtle. Usually, when I notice some suffering in my life, I briefly strategize about how I can eliminate the suffering. I think about subtle shifts I can make in my physical actions or thinking, either in the moment, or long term. Associated with that is mild self-loathing: "Why haven't I mastered this yet? Why do I continue to create this suffering for myself?"
Today, the thought that has been arising is, "Yeah, there's dukkha again. More reason to practice. Liberation is the only answer."
Pretty cool.
Today, the thought that has been arising is, "Yeah, there's dukkha again. More reason to practice. Liberation is the only answer."
Pretty cool.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Hello!
I am astonished that it's been over a month since I last posted!
I have shifted my emphasis from psychological work to Vipassana practice.
Today, sat twice so far. First, 2-3/4 hours, sitting, walking, sitting. Second, 50 minutes sitting. Was interested in the nanas. My reading had reminded me that after stream entry, simply inclining the mind toward investigation puts one in the A&P, then one cycles up through to equanimity. Was curious to see how this fit with my experience.
I will describe the second sitting because the first is not so clear in my memory. When I sat down, a familiar series of thoughts and sensations happened during the first minute or two: pulsing, expanding, hearing, regret, joy, tension, relaxation. Attention was crisp and it did seem that this was A&P-like. I didn't notice any clear dukkha nanas, but after maybe 10 minutes I did feel quite equanimous. Various pains and discomforts came and went; they didn't disturb me. Thoughts also came and went but did't disturb me. And it did take effort to concentrate. I was inclined to be lazy. Applying effort was somewhat unpleasant. When my left leg fell asleep and I moved it, the waking-up feelings were intense and I experience aversion -- so I was not 100% equanimous. I arose from my sitting when I felt tired of making the effort.
Various things over the past month have inspired both me and Z to practice Vipassana fervently. If we can experience freedom in this very life, what could be a more worthwhile pursuit? I have believed this for several years, yet for the past 2.5 years I have been more drawn to psychological work. It has been very interesting and very rewarding, and it has not seemed possible to pursue both intensively, at least not while holding down a job. I imagine, too, that psychological work may detract from Vipassana momentum. I wonder where today's passion with Vipassana will take me?
I am strongly considering quitting my job soon, like in 2 or 2.5 months. Reasons:
- I have never felt at ease with this work. I have repeatedly felt overwhelmed. I have days where I feel happy and competent, but this feeling never lasts more than a week or two at best. I want to give myself a chance to experience something different, something more joyful. I feel interested in dementia care, hospice, psychology, and intuitive healing. I will follow whichever path presents me with a suitable mentor.
- I want to take some time off from full-time work to practice Vipassana intensively and also to take care of my health.
I have shifted my emphasis from psychological work to Vipassana practice.
Today, sat twice so far. First, 2-3/4 hours, sitting, walking, sitting. Second, 50 minutes sitting. Was interested in the nanas. My reading had reminded me that after stream entry, simply inclining the mind toward investigation puts one in the A&P, then one cycles up through to equanimity. Was curious to see how this fit with my experience.
I will describe the second sitting because the first is not so clear in my memory. When I sat down, a familiar series of thoughts and sensations happened during the first minute or two: pulsing, expanding, hearing, regret, joy, tension, relaxation. Attention was crisp and it did seem that this was A&P-like. I didn't notice any clear dukkha nanas, but after maybe 10 minutes I did feel quite equanimous. Various pains and discomforts came and went; they didn't disturb me. Thoughts also came and went but did't disturb me. And it did take effort to concentrate. I was inclined to be lazy. Applying effort was somewhat unpleasant. When my left leg fell asleep and I moved it, the waking-up feelings were intense and I experience aversion -- so I was not 100% equanimous. I arose from my sitting when I felt tired of making the effort.
Various things over the past month have inspired both me and Z to practice Vipassana fervently. If we can experience freedom in this very life, what could be a more worthwhile pursuit? I have believed this for several years, yet for the past 2.5 years I have been more drawn to psychological work. It has been very interesting and very rewarding, and it has not seemed possible to pursue both intensively, at least not while holding down a job. I imagine, too, that psychological work may detract from Vipassana momentum. I wonder where today's passion with Vipassana will take me?
I am strongly considering quitting my job soon, like in 2 or 2.5 months. Reasons:
- I have never felt at ease with this work. I have repeatedly felt overwhelmed. I have days where I feel happy and competent, but this feeling never lasts more than a week or two at best. I want to give myself a chance to experience something different, something more joyful. I feel interested in dementia care, hospice, psychology, and intuitive healing. I will follow whichever path presents me with a suitable mentor.
- I want to take some time off from full-time work to practice Vipassana intensively and also to take care of my health.
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