Time to try this again ... starting now at 1pm this February Wednesday.
1:01 scared; I shouldn't be doing this. Sadness in chest. Sensations are full, rounded, pulsing. I think there is excitement and pleasure, too, but as soon as I acknowledge this, I get scared. What if I cry? How can I work and feel these things?
1:10 The same big feelings as I delve into my work, which is complicated and opaque. Urge to distract self. What if I fail at this task? Easier not to look at it.
1:30 Just finished the most daunting aspect of the project. Since previous entry, I found a way to tidily do just the necessary aspect. Then I implemented it, and it worked right away. Now going to visit Eric. He phoned about 15 minutes ago asking if I'd like his company for lunch just then. I said I wasn't ready yet, and he invited me to call when I was ready. Most likely I will now need to expend effort to regain his attention. I feel sad, resentful, resigned. How can I make this into a different story? Can I enjoy offering Eric my patience? There must be something I really like about the current story!
2:25 Back from lunch with Eric. Took no effort to regain his attention. Talked about his project while I ate. Was pleasant, satisfying. Now I feel pleasant/neutral.
2:36 A little sadness, a little fear ... but rounded, full, pleasant. Am feeling relaxed about this project.
2:51 For a half second, resisted coming back to this. Slight sadness/sleepiness ... vaguely want to distract self with food or internet, but not strongly ... still the rounded, full, pulsing sensations. When I think, "let's just stay here & not go back to work," the mind counters, "this is empty, going nowhere". But this message is much weaker than it has been in the past. I feel some curiosity.
3:28 I think I just spent a bunch of time distracting myself. Looked up other works by M. Scott Peck. Read an entertaining email from a co-worker and followed the links provided. Checked my texts and VM. I wonder how long I was doing this? I last saved my computer script at 2:59, so at most a half hour. Bringing attention back to the inner child ... let's try to work and keep the attention there.
3:50 I don't know where this is going ... I don't know if this is worth it ... what is this? is there anything worthwhile here?
4:10 did some twists for a minute. Listened to the child with effortful curiosity. Then Mom called to ask me the names of my brothers and sisters.
4:45 ... then, some FB and chat with cousin Anne. Another 30 minutes evaporated!
4:51 a 2 minute interaction with Luis regarding sandwich cookies. Then ... asking child what she wants. First: "I can't possibly have what I want!" Then ... "Kill my mother!" Then, noticed sleepiness. Then tried to notice the excitement before sleepiness. When I notice the excitement, I think, "Where could this possibly go that isn't a disaster?!"
5:08 time to get ready to leave. I don't feel depleted! I feel content. A little sad/yearning feeling. A little sleepy. But not depleted!!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Riding waves of emotion
Yesterday I had a wonderful session with my psychotherapist, T. I entered the room with a list of topics I might discuss, but when I sat on the couch, all the topics left my mind and I entered a mind state that's familiar to me from previous sessions, a state that's nonverbal. I said, "I feel like I'm losing control and entering a state where dangerous things could happen." T gently advised me to go with it and, as in surfing, ride whatever unpredictable waves come my way.
Anger came up right away, which has in the past very often led me to a dead end of feeling humiliated with no where to turn. I absolutely hate this experience, but in recent months I've eased up on my strenuous efforts to avoid it. I want to be open to finding new ways to experience anger. This time I did not go to that dead end. I experienced a series of feelings that I normally would have suppressed, or reacted to with humiliation, but this day I just experienced them. Each one brought up thoughts and feelings like, "this is bad, this is dangerous, something bad is going to happen, I can't go here." But go there I did, each time. It was amazing the variety of different feelings that came up over the subsequent 35 minutes. Each wave of feeling caught me off guard with its unfamiliarity, its difference from the previous wave, and triggered the same thoughts about danger. But I rode each wave. It was hard work that felt, at the same time, harrowing and deeply satisfying.
The rest of the day I felt lightness and pleasure.
Today, I found myself a bit more able to feel the difficult feelings that come up in the course of my work.
It is worth noting that yesterday's session came right on the heels of a weekend home retreat during which I meditated a total of about 10 hours and spoke very few words to anyone.
Anger came up right away, which has in the past very often led me to a dead end of feeling humiliated with no where to turn. I absolutely hate this experience, but in recent months I've eased up on my strenuous efforts to avoid it. I want to be open to finding new ways to experience anger. This time I did not go to that dead end. I experienced a series of feelings that I normally would have suppressed, or reacted to with humiliation, but this day I just experienced them. Each one brought up thoughts and feelings like, "this is bad, this is dangerous, something bad is going to happen, I can't go here." But go there I did, each time. It was amazing the variety of different feelings that came up over the subsequent 35 minutes. Each wave of feeling caught me off guard with its unfamiliarity, its difference from the previous wave, and triggered the same thoughts about danger. But I rode each wave. It was hard work that felt, at the same time, harrowing and deeply satisfying.
The rest of the day I felt lightness and pleasure.
Today, I found myself a bit more able to feel the difficult feelings that come up in the course of my work.
It is worth noting that yesterday's session came right on the heels of a weekend home retreat during which I meditated a total of about 10 hours and spoke very few words to anyone.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Recent shifts in practice
Over the past several weeks I have been meditating less and less, and doing more inner child work. I put my sessions with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk on hold. My zeal for meditation practice has lessened, and this is discombobulating. Until about the first of November, I'd meditated 1.5 hours daily almost without fail for an entire 12 months. Lately I've been spending more time on Facebook and reading the newspaper, more time than ever since I returned from the 2-month retreat 13.5 months ago. This doesn't seem desirable, but I can't think of how to stop, other than by going on another 2 month retreat and thus hitting the reset button. I'm not sure I want to go on another 2 month retreat--not sure the isolation and occasional periods of intense suffering are right. I've also been spending more time exercising lately. This seems desirable, except for how it displaces time on the cushion.
Feeling shamed by mom
This morning I had an experience I've had dozens, perhaps hundreds, of times in my life: a woman I know expressed some displeasure with something I'd done, and I went into a painful tailspin of shame.
More and more in recent months I've been responding to this in a new way: instead of ruminating over the incident, trying to figure out how to respond, reasoning with myself that it's not a big deal, and distracting myself--I've been inventing and imagining a similar incident in my early childhood involving Mom, then imagining expressing anger toward Mom.
The incident today happened around 8:30, and now, at 10:20, I feel like I've almost completely processed it. Two hours is a long time to be burdened by this, but it's a lot shorter than it used to be. Incidents like this used to bother me for days.
It took me one or two minutes after the incident to realize this familiar cycle was happening. I was on the bus to work. As I walked from the bus to the office, I imagined that I was 3 or 4, innocently having fun with some playmates, when Mom comes on the scene and terrorizes me. I tried to imagine punching her in the face--but this provided no satisfaction at first. I just kept thinking, "But if Mom is so angry with me, I must have done something really bad! It must actually have been bad!" I thought perhaps this strategy somehow wasn't going to work for me today. I left a voice mail for T, my psychotherapist.
Then I sat in a meeting for an hour. Although I would like to have paid attention to the interesting presentation, instead I put most of my attention onto further processing. I clenched my hand into a fist and punched isometrically. Over time, I was able to feel a satisfying rage against my mom, and a growing confidence that I, as the 3 or 4 year old, had done nothing horrendous. I had just done a little something that I would happily have corrected, had I been gently guided to do so. Every couple of minutes, my mind reflected on what had actually occurred today--but I only let my mind rest there briefly each time, only as long as I could rest there without self-punishment. Each time I looked at what occurred today, I was able to have more and more acceptance and forgiveness about what I had actually done, and to see that what I'd done was overwhelmingly moderate, sensible, and considerate--that I'd possibly made just a tiny mistake, something I'd happily correct in the future. I also saw that some of the woman's displeasure had to do with her own issues.
More and more in recent months I've been responding to this in a new way: instead of ruminating over the incident, trying to figure out how to respond, reasoning with myself that it's not a big deal, and distracting myself--I've been inventing and imagining a similar incident in my early childhood involving Mom, then imagining expressing anger toward Mom.
The incident today happened around 8:30, and now, at 10:20, I feel like I've almost completely processed it. Two hours is a long time to be burdened by this, but it's a lot shorter than it used to be. Incidents like this used to bother me for days.
It took me one or two minutes after the incident to realize this familiar cycle was happening. I was on the bus to work. As I walked from the bus to the office, I imagined that I was 3 or 4, innocently having fun with some playmates, when Mom comes on the scene and terrorizes me. I tried to imagine punching her in the face--but this provided no satisfaction at first. I just kept thinking, "But if Mom is so angry with me, I must have done something really bad! It must actually have been bad!" I thought perhaps this strategy somehow wasn't going to work for me today. I left a voice mail for T, my psychotherapist.
Then I sat in a meeting for an hour. Although I would like to have paid attention to the interesting presentation, instead I put most of my attention onto further processing. I clenched my hand into a fist and punched isometrically. Over time, I was able to feel a satisfying rage against my mom, and a growing confidence that I, as the 3 or 4 year old, had done nothing horrendous. I had just done a little something that I would happily have corrected, had I been gently guided to do so. Every couple of minutes, my mind reflected on what had actually occurred today--but I only let my mind rest there briefly each time, only as long as I could rest there without self-punishment. Each time I looked at what occurred today, I was able to have more and more acceptance and forgiveness about what I had actually done, and to see that what I'd done was overwhelmingly moderate, sensible, and considerate--that I'd possibly made just a tiny mistake, something I'd happily correct in the future. I also saw that some of the woman's displeasure had to do with her own issues.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Assessing spiritual development
A few years ago, while on a long road trip with my partner Eric, Eric challenged me thusly: How can you know that your meditation, psychotherapy, and other inner work is working? At first I bristled at the question, but then I developed a self-assessment questionnaire that I could complete annually. The questions measure how well I've been paying attention, how reactive I've been, how honest I've been, my anxiety level, and self-centeredness vs. other-centeredness. This questionnaire is tailored to me, but it could inspire others to create their own.
I did not actually complete the questionnaire until last week. I did notice, however, that my answers to some of the questions indicated progress since I'd devised the questionnaire. I look forward to completing this periodically.
Here are my questions:
I did not actually complete the questionnaire until last week. I did notice, however, that my answers to some of the questions indicated progress since I'd devised the questionnaire. I look forward to completing this periodically.
Here are my questions:
- Describe the eye colors of 6 people you've spoken with recently.
- What is the phase of the moon?
- How many times in the past week have you ranted at someone?
- What was your anxiety level when you woke up this morning?
- Name the five most significant people in your life. Describe what is important to them. What is currently "up" for them? How hard did you have to think to answer these questions?
- What was the last lie you told? Why did you tell it?
- What was the last time you gave a gift? Describe your motivation.
- What was your response the last time someone expressed anger toward you?
- Describe your last sexual experience.
- What is your anxiety level when you pass a stranger on the street? How strong and immediate is your compulsion to judge that person?
- How depleted did you feel upon coming home from work the most recent work day? Averaged over recent days?
- Are you scared when Eric exclaims out of the blue?
- How sad does listening to wailing popular songs make you?
- How do you feel about interacting with teenagers?
- How anxious are you about your financial investments?
- How are you feeling and thinking today?
- Have you had caffeine?
- Did you sleep well?
- Any unusual & impactful recent events?
- How is your excercise/meditation regime?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Inner child journal
Yesterday I made a strong commitment to attend to the sensations in my right chest and throat that I've been calling my inner child--or, now that I've identified another child state, the infant/toddler child state. And that I'd attend to this child state particularly when my meditation timer goes off every 20 minutes and when I felt a compulsive urge to check email or Facebook. I knew it would be challenging. I kept a log:
9:53
child: I feel sad, heavy. Wary. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you asking me to risk yet again?
9:57
child: you're just asking me to feel sad all day. This could go on for days or years. What's the point?! It may go nowhere! Safer to just eat a cookie!
10:03
It was challenging to keep attending to the child while talking to my co-worker D. Fear and sadness that I am not receiving attention... then, anger, panic.
10:10
Timer lit up. Didn't want to attend to the child! Sadness magnifies; throat quivers a bit.
10:30
child: So much sadness and fear! It's not horribly unpleasant, but it is very unsettling! It just feels wrong! And, also, right.
10:36
child: A few minutes ago, D. asked me to come look at something; I said "not now". I'm going to be punished. Looking for danger.
The time is approaching for ISB's 11:15 Wednesday sitting. I am scheduled to meet Julie before, and plan to phone Dad after. Anxious about meeting Julie, talking to Dad, leaving the comfort of absorption in work.
10:45
Attended to sad/scared child, then feared getting lost in her. Then, seemingly to encourage self: "It would be so cool if the terrified but fiery infant/toddler could provide passion to the talented, high-achieving young girl! What a life that would be!"
10:50
Sixteen breaths attending to child.
11:00
Phoned Dad. Completely ignored child.
11:13
Attended to inner child for 2 minutes before 30 minutes meditation (Kenneth's 2nd jhana). Wondered: what did it mean for me to choose to ignore the child for 30 minutes? Told her I'd be back.
11:15
Jhana meditation was very pleasant. Awareness of child & associated tensions completely disappeared after a few minutes. When I arose from meditation, the child & associated tensions seemed to be absent. They reappeared over a few minutes.
noon
News that a co-worker's son had died. Chit-chat. D and I went to our admin assistant to get the details. Mostly not aware of (my inner) child.
12:30
Sixteen breaths attending to child. Was hard to pull self away from computing.
1:10
Ditto, ditto. Entertained images of infant/toddler interacting with young girl. Sensations expanded, became more full. Amazing and terrible!
1:35
Sixteen breaths with child. Elements of nausea, sadness, excitement, pleasure, sleepiness. Wanted to stay with it!
1:55
Stayed with child through 25 minute journey to Pioneer Square to meet Eric for lunch. While waiting for Eric, awareness of child seemed to avert anger, impatience. Was not aware of child during time with Eric. Returned to child upon boarding 3pm bus back to work. Counted up to 8 and back repeatedly as an aid to focus.
3:27
At desk. Tired. Don't want to make effort to be with child.
3:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Feel sleepy. Throat quivering. Sadness, pulsing. Sense of danger replaced by sense of weariness. Don't want to stay with it.
4:10, 4:30
Ditto, ditto, ditto.
4:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Still felt sleepy and weary, but also a kind of comfortable resignedness. Could have stayed with child if work weren't calling.
Throughout this day, I approached my work with more patience and care than usual. I made fewer mistakes, and experienced very little frustration. I happened to complete a significant task (re-loading T's data using different parameters) just 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave work. I felt an unusual sense of satisfaction.
9:53
child: I feel sad, heavy. Wary. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you asking me to risk yet again?
9:57
child: you're just asking me to feel sad all day. This could go on for days or years. What's the point?! It may go nowhere! Safer to just eat a cookie!
10:03
It was challenging to keep attending to the child while talking to my co-worker D. Fear and sadness that I am not receiving attention... then, anger, panic.
10:10
Timer lit up. Didn't want to attend to the child! Sadness magnifies; throat quivers a bit.
10:30
child: So much sadness and fear! It's not horribly unpleasant, but it is very unsettling! It just feels wrong! And, also, right.
10:36
child: A few minutes ago, D. asked me to come look at something; I said "not now". I'm going to be punished. Looking for danger.
The time is approaching for ISB's 11:15 Wednesday sitting. I am scheduled to meet Julie before, and plan to phone Dad after. Anxious about meeting Julie, talking to Dad, leaving the comfort of absorption in work.
10:45
Attended to sad/scared child, then feared getting lost in her. Then, seemingly to encourage self: "It would be so cool if the terrified but fiery infant/toddler could provide passion to the talented, high-achieving young girl! What a life that would be!"
10:50
Sixteen breaths attending to child.
11:00
Phoned Dad. Completely ignored child.
11:13
Attended to inner child for 2 minutes before 30 minutes meditation (Kenneth's 2nd jhana). Wondered: what did it mean for me to choose to ignore the child for 30 minutes? Told her I'd be back.
11:15
Jhana meditation was very pleasant. Awareness of child & associated tensions completely disappeared after a few minutes. When I arose from meditation, the child & associated tensions seemed to be absent. They reappeared over a few minutes.
noon
News that a co-worker's son had died. Chit-chat. D and I went to our admin assistant to get the details. Mostly not aware of (my inner) child.
12:30
Sixteen breaths attending to child. Was hard to pull self away from computing.
1:10
Ditto, ditto. Entertained images of infant/toddler interacting with young girl. Sensations expanded, became more full. Amazing and terrible!
1:35
Sixteen breaths with child. Elements of nausea, sadness, excitement, pleasure, sleepiness. Wanted to stay with it!
1:55
Stayed with child through 25 minute journey to Pioneer Square to meet Eric for lunch. While waiting for Eric, awareness of child seemed to avert anger, impatience. Was not aware of child during time with Eric. Returned to child upon boarding 3pm bus back to work. Counted up to 8 and back repeatedly as an aid to focus.
3:27
At desk. Tired. Don't want to make effort to be with child.
3:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Feel sleepy. Throat quivering. Sadness, pulsing. Sense of danger replaced by sense of weariness. Don't want to stay with it.
4:10, 4:30
Ditto, ditto, ditto.
4:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Still felt sleepy and weary, but also a kind of comfortable resignedness. Could have stayed with child if work weren't calling.
Throughout this day, I approached my work with more patience and care than usual. I made fewer mistakes, and experienced very little frustration. I happened to complete a significant task (re-loading T's data using different parameters) just 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave work. I felt an unusual sense of satisfaction.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Another child state: the talented, praised young girl
The book I've been working with, The Emotionally Absent Mother, calls the various child personalities "child states". This morning during my entire commute I attended to the one child state I'd identified: a sad and terrified, but fiery, infant/toddler who usually tries to stay small and quiet. She feels great fear and despair about what might happen were she to become more expressive. As usual, it took a lot of effort to attend to this child state, because I still half believe the accompanying messages: this work is futile, this work is dangerous.
As I approached my office, my mind leapt with delight toward the various work tasks in front of me. Those tasks seemed like a comfortable refuge from the anxiety of attending to the fiery but terrified infant/toddler. I mostly forgot about the frustration and boredom associated with those tasks, and the dissatisfaction I nearly always feel at the end of the work day. Instead, I imagined happiness, joy, interest, absorption, safety, and satisfaction. And I realized that these imaginings were also associated with a child state, one of a later age than toddler-hood. Somewhere between 4 and 10 years old. The young girl who was good in school, who sped through homework, who was the smartest in the class and received much praise for completing tasks, for productivity. Praise for good grades and for making realistic drawings. This child feels loved!
I commit now to attending to the fiery, terrified infant/toddler throughout my work day. In particular, I will bring my attention to her when my 20 minute timer lights up, and also when I feel the urge to check email or Facebook. Bonus if I can also be aware of the young girl taking pride in her accomplishments.
As I approached my office, my mind leapt with delight toward the various work tasks in front of me. Those tasks seemed like a comfortable refuge from the anxiety of attending to the fiery but terrified infant/toddler. I mostly forgot about the frustration and boredom associated with those tasks, and the dissatisfaction I nearly always feel at the end of the work day. Instead, I imagined happiness, joy, interest, absorption, safety, and satisfaction. And I realized that these imaginings were also associated with a child state, one of a later age than toddler-hood. Somewhere between 4 and 10 years old. The young girl who was good in school, who sped through homework, who was the smartest in the class and received much praise for completing tasks, for productivity. Praise for good grades and for making realistic drawings. This child feels loved!
I commit now to attending to the fiery, terrified infant/toddler throughout my work day. In particular, I will bring my attention to her when my 20 minute timer lights up, and also when I feel the urge to check email or Facebook. Bonus if I can also be aware of the young girl taking pride in her accomplishments.
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