The Boss

Examining compulsion to get stuff done at work. What do I come in to work looking for? What causes the afternoon disappointment? I think I'm looking for approval. I have set up an elaborate internal system to give myself approval based on a set of rules. The same system gives punishment. I imagine that The Boss is doling these out. But The Boss is an imaginary boss, and his behavior only vaguely matches my real boss's actual behavior. Approval comes when I check things off the list, especially things that I know my real boss or team leader will like.

If I take time to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, I imagine that The Boss berates me for wasting time.

If I take time to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, and let go of the thought process supporting the elaborate approval/punishment system, there is so much empty space that it's frightening.

<later same day>

Looking at the empty space ... why am I not curious, excited? Self-doubt. "I've been so wrong in the past ... had hope when it wasn't warranted ... if I stay open to this space, I'm going to do something foolish, laughable, regretable."

Anger as suppressed desire

When I'm experiencing and working with anger in a psychotherapy session, I'm usually quite uncomfortable, and often this thought comes to mind: "There's no use! It's no use! What's the point?"

Occurred to me this morning during walking meditation that the source of this thought is desire. That an element of the anger is suppressed desire. It's suppressed because I learned long ago that certain desires would not be fulfilled, despite my most fervent wishes and earnest efforts. Now I am looking forward to feeling that desire and learning more about it. What am I desiring?

Anger and chronic back pain

Since 1983, there is a muscle near my right scapula that gets sore when I work at a computer or do sitting meditation. Over the years, I have tried various stretches and yoga asanas to get relief, and over the past 15 months I have worked with two physical therapists to address it. The only thing that reliably relieves the pain is to lie down for at least 15 minutes. Massaging the spot by lying on an object like a tennis ball (I used to use a glass lemon juicer) also feels good and sometimes gives relief.

I wrote a few days ago that the pain went away after about 10 minutes of giving attention to feelings of anger and letting them move through my body as I act them out. Today I found that I can get a lot of relief by slowly moving my right arm in a punching motion, giving attention to the energy of anger and really watching the sensations in the sore muscle, letting them drive the subtleties of the motion. The motion can be very subtle and still give relief, if I pay close attention. Very cool!

Does meditation help us respond to anger?

A few years ago I was sitting in front of Musashi's, my favorite sushi joint, waiting for my partner Eric. I meditated while waiting, focusing on the sensations in my belly as I breathed. Eric was running late, and I thought that meditation would be a useful way of responding to the irritation I felt. Indeed, the meditation made me feel more comfortable, and took my mind off of the irritation.

My eyes were still closed when Eric arrived and made his presence known. Immediately I felt the irritation rise up, as strong as ever. Had meditation only distracted me from my anger?

I've been a dedicated meditation practitioner for ten years. Meditation has helped me notice the sensations associated with anger, and has helped me recognize when I'm angry. And it has certainly given me a tool for getting my mind off of something that is angering me. But it hasn't seemed to help me stop feeling blocked up, helpless, vulnerable, and utterly furious when I am angered.

Me .... Hulk! Hulk .... angry!

Eric said this caption seemed to apply when I let the energy of anger move through my body, making a fist with my right hand.

A short break from work

feeling from not following FB urge too big didn't know what it wanted was distracting
muscle near right scapula was hurting as it so often does
went outside sunny day to park
feeling at first seemed impenetrable
couldn't tell what it wanted
then halfway down block my body wanted to curl over a bit
fists, esp. right
walking big and strong lifting knees a bit
wow, I thought, this feeling CAN move and transform!
still feeling big so big so uncomfortable
vocalized I want I want I want
I want to eat the whole world
I want to have sex with the whole world
I want to hug the whole world
I grabbed a small tree trunk suddenly with both hands
I punched with my fists slow motion in the air, mostly the right, it felt  natural and not forced
I put my hands on the ground, I stretched my back and legs
right scapula didn't hurt anymore
still uncomfortable, feeling too big
did a couple half handstands, downward dog
vocalized
desire desire in my belly, in my throat!
thought a therapist might say to yell, but I knew if I yelled it would hurt
so I made the noises that felt right and comfortable
low moan low rumbling
creating a vibration
not loud
that took away the sharpness of a wanting too big
made it more rounded, more tolerable, better
a few minutes more slow-mo punching (not forced) and moaning
thought I should wrap it up and go back to work
pressed my right fist against my left palm (winding down the intensity)
low rumbling moan, decreasing in volume as I approached the building door
the scapular pain is gone

The Facebook urge

Multiple times each work day, I feel compelled to check email or Facebook. If I am absorbed in a project, usually writing or coding, I generally don't feel this urge. But when I'm not absorbed, when the path forward is not clear, when I need to organize my thoughts or set priorities or start a new project or remember an old one, the urge is frequent.

Lately I've been looking at the feeling behind the urge, instead of acting on the urge. There's something big and strong there. It might be a strong desire to keep going, to move forward, to make progress.

It seems I am able to face this big, strong desire because of my new habit of opening my body to anger, discussed in an earlier post. Today during my bike commute I explored the transition between opening and closing to anger. The closing gesture involves ceasing belly breathing and creating tension in my neck and throat, especially the right side.When I really want to close, I tense parts of my right torso, including a muscle at the side waist, the shoulder (raising the shoulder slightly), and something in the right mid-back.