The inner self-negative voice

Day 4 of program, "Your parents' unconditional love":

Teacher posits that virtually all parents actually do love their children unconditionally, and that, by extension, we are all lovable exactly as we are. This seems true to me, because I feel love for all beings, no matter how awful they are, and although for my own well being I may need to separate myself from some dangerous or unpleasant people, the love is always there and always ready to be expressed once it seems safe.

Have you experienced this type of misunderstanding with your own parents?

Yes. In my 20s I carried with me the belief that my mother found me disgusting and unacceptable, a belief I'd carried since childhood. One day I gathered my courage and asked her whether she thought there was something wrong with me. She immediately said, "Of course not! How could you think there is something wrong with you? You are my beautiful first born child!" This was a turning point for me. Her voice was so sincere, it changed the assumptions I had about her view of me, and, in turn, it changed my own self-view.

It's remarkable to me now that I once thought there was "something wrong" with me, that I was defective and inferior most other people, because that belief seems to be mostly gone now.

I never had any doubt that my father loved me unconditionally.

 

How does this change how you may speak to yourself internally?

I think the teacher is asking whether this insight into the unconditional love of others might change how I speak to myself internally going forward. No answer comes up immediately.

 

How does this change how you may want to shield and soothe going forward?

I wonder whether I can drop some of the debilitating shielding behaviors I described in my last post, especially perfectionism and people-pleasing. I am currently working on being aware of these behaviors and noticing ways I can drop them, and I think I've been dropping some of them sometimes. I'm definitely less of a pleaser than I used to be. 

The language and methods of emotional wounding

Day 2 of the course I started yesterday:

Shaming language levers:
blame, ridicule/sarcasm, comparison-making, excessive control, imposition of perfection, silence, image control, physical abuse, favoritism

Which language methods were used most often on you, in your childhood?  Which aspects of your wound did these hit?
I think I was most shamed when my mother was disgusted with my body and my crying, and withdrew her attention. I only got attention when I behaved in ways that made her comfortable. This involved silence and image control. This hit the wounding regarding my body, and that bothered me a lot for many years, but it has receded into the background.

My biggest wounding is around competence, since the main messages I hear in my mind are about whether I'm doing the right thing, and that I haven't actually accomplished anything. Perhaps this was reinforced by silence. If I didn't get approval for things I chose to do (but only for things I was asked to do), this would make sense.

Which language methods do you still use on your own self today?
I've seen that I do silence my inner voice, and I've been working with that. But perhaps I silence my inner voice way more than I think I do, given that's what was done to me. (Later in the day:) Gave some attention to this and I can see that I am constantly silencing myself, judging that what the inner voice has to say is not important, or not hearing what the inner voice has to say!

Do you use any of these language methods on others?
Wow, I constantly use silence. In fact, this is something I listed as part of my personality that I dislike. When someone says something that I don't resonate with, or that I judge negatively, I am quiet and I move onto another topic.

Image control: I interact with others in ways that attempt to highlight the features of their personality, their behavior, that I am comfortable with, and silence or suppress the features I am uncomfortable with. I do this with Eric and Zarina. I don't want them to express anger loudly and Zarina is now on a huge project to learn how to not do this anymore.

I blame Eric and Zarina a lot, and I am often trying to control their actions. Once I've controlled their actions in one aspect, I look for another aspect to be dissatisfied with and to try to control.

Wounds, shielding, and soothing

Working through the 7-day program at Preside Meditation. The purpose is to heal from inner wounding.

What is your current "blend" of the four types of emotional wounding?

Competence: I don't judge myself as incompetent in any particular arena, but my inner voice constantly says that, whatever I'm doing, I'm doing the wrong thing; that I haven't achieved anything of worth in my life (to the point of denial and amnesia about what I've achieved); and that if there's anything amiss, it's due to my incompetence. Hugely debilitating.

Body: There are judgments about my slight chubbiness and flabbiness. There is fear that the ways in which my body have aged have made me repulsive to those younger than I. My intermittent breath odor is a cause of anxiety. My hair tends to look unkempt and I fear being judged for that. These concerns are of minor impact; they're not at all debilitating.

Identity/Personality: I'm not aware of any judgments about my ethnic, gender, or sexual identities. I judge my personality as being too fake, too closed, dishonest, introverted, and indecisive. Moderately debilitating.

Relationship: "I will only be lovable if ..."  Hmmm, I feel pretty lovable. But there is a deep belief that I need to perform in order to maintain my love relationships. Mostly in the realm of physical affection. Somewhat debilitating.

What are your main soothing methods?

Of those listed as most common (drugs/alcohol, sex & relationships, food, overwork, media), I use these:

- minor use of caffeine and alcohol

- well controlled use of food

- moderate use of media

I also soothe myself by tidying and organizing, including gathering data and creating to-do lists. If I tidy and organize while I'm with others, I can drop some of the shields below.

I am very pleased with my configuration of soothing methods; they do not cause harm to myself or others. And tidying/organizing have lots of benefits.

What are your main shielding methods?

Of the five listed as most common, I use them all, especially perfectionism and people pleasing:

Money & prestige: I'm not strongly driven to increase these, but, to the extent I possess them, I do use them as shields

Perfectionism: Very much so

Anger: I use this in subtle ways, especially with my partners

Silence & invisibility (actually a camouflage; does not actually shield): Yes, I'm quiet about my opinions and isolate myself from others

People pleasing (actually a form of appeasement; does not actually shield): Yes, very much so.

Am I satisfied with my configuration of shielding methods? I would really like to do less people pleasing and have less perfectionism. Perhaps if I do more soothing I'll feel safe enough to cut down on the shielding. 

Do you see any quick-hit adjustments you'd like to try right away?

I suppose that a more healthy way to shield is to state boundaries. Are there boundaries I can state that will allow me to do less perfectionism and people-pleasing? I can't think of any at the moment.

Looking forward to tomorrow's exercises.

Still more thoughts that lead to suffering

Suffering is inevitable.

There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.

Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.

I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me

If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself

Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.

There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.

All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them

If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary

It's impossible to cut through all the thoughts that are causing me suffering. Don't try to get to the bottom of it; be satisfied with one layer or two.

Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.

Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!

If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster

More thoughts that lead to suffering ... and a respite from that suffering!!!

If I'm doing something enjoyable and mindless, like watching a movie or TV, organizing data, cleaning house, working in the garden, eating delicious food, styling my hair, purchasing something I really want, engaging in Facebook conversation, or reading stuff on the internet, I'm doing something wrong. I ought to be doing my spiritual practice. (Note that in some cases this is at odds with the belief that I need to acquire new things).

If I buy some pleasure by ingesting caffeine, I'm doubly doing something wrong.

If I experience a moment of joy, I need to immediately ensure that I'm safe by directing my attention to my list of concerns (the time, my to-do list, delinquent obligations, preparing for the next social encounter, supporting my health, avoiding any impending discomfort).

------------

Holy cow. The past hour or so, I've kept these in mind (as well as the thoughts I documented in an earlier post) and I've been avoiding a lot of second darts!
It's OK to enjoy life!
I'm trusting that, by refraining from self-punishment, I'll not be any worse off than otherwise!

When I feel an uncomfortable sensation, instead of punishing myself for it, I've been offering myself compassion. And I don't mean anything more complicated then just pausing a sec and noting, "oh, that seemed uncomfortable, and that's fine." Not only do I avoid the second dart, but immediately the sensation ceases to be uncomfortable and my experience of it is of playful delight!

When I enjoy something mindless, I just enjoy it!

This is part of enlightenment!!! so no need to beat myself up over not doing formal spiritual practice. The point of those practices is precisely to end suffering. Might as well go directly for the ending of suffering by just ceasing to cause myself suffering :-D

Thoughts that lead to suffering

Today I read Adyashanti's The Way of Liberation. He proposes some topics of contemplation. Contemplation is not a usual part of my spiritual practice, but it appealed to me while reading about it in this book. I took some time to contemplate the following:

Suffering occurs when you believe in a thought that is at odds with what is, what was, or what may be.

I sat still, and whenever suffering occurred, I looked to see what thought might be behind the suffering. For many, but not all, instances of suffering, I found such a thought. I saw some thoughts I hadn't been aware of before:

If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.

Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.

I also saw some thoughts that I had already discovered in the recent past:

This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.

Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.

If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones. 

Being with myself

I don't know what to do. I am sad. What am I sad about? I am sad that my deepest longing has never been fulfilled and likely never will be; I am sad that it is so deep and so painful that I avoid even looking at it and can't tell you what it is right now.

There is that familiar longing feeling in the right side of my mouth, a desire to chew and suck (though actually chewing and sucking is not what is desired), the upturning of the right corner of my mouth, constriction at the top of the throat, and tingling in the right chest and right arm. The thought arises, "it is the same as always, nothing new" and then, "I've seen in the past that even though it is nothing new, something new usually arises."

Waiting.

For the past year I have been deeply engaged in studying and breaking the ten fetters. I have daily contact with a guide and thoughout my days, when I am not engaged in busy-ness (and sometimes when I am), my attention inclines toward the practices and inquiries that my guide gives me. I have not spent a lot of time engaging in story-oriented or personality-oriented types of inquiry, partly because I've been engaged in this other process, and partly because my guide discourages me from this. But today, for now, I am engaging.

I am doing the wrong thing right now, there are about 47 different other things that are overdue and by not doing them I am setting myself up for pain in the future. People will be displeased with me. Oh! I do not want to look at that!

A swelling in the right chest, a welling up ...

Who will be displeased with me? In what manner?

My tenants will be displeased that I haven't taken care of tasks like repairing the basement bathroom walls.

My potential donors in the Giving Project will be displeased that I didn't contact them earlier about giving.