A comparison of Vipassana noting practice and the inner child / trauma recovery work I've been doing

In recent weeks I've been meditating very little. I spend between 30 and 90 minutes on a typical day (much more on the occasional weekend day) doing some kind of seated mindfulness, but usually it is inner child / trauma recovery work. Often I sit with the intention of doing such work. Other times, I sit with the intention to meditate, but the other work calls to me.

I've been participating in a 2-month "Life Retreat" with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I meet individually with one of them once a week, and meet with a small group once a week. I've felt uneasy on this retreat because I've been meditating so little. Beth and Kenneth have encouraged me to do the inner work I've been doing, but the superego messages to "follow the program" have been strong as usual, resulting in this uneasiness. Partly to ease this conflict, and partly because I think this will be useful to me and others--and partly because I told Kenneth I was interested in this--I put together a comparison of my two practices in a chart below. At the bottom of the chart, the ultimate goal is stated differently for each practice, but essentially they share the same ultimate goal: freedom.

All of the teachings I've received have recommended keeping one's meditation practice separate from one's psychological work. Partly, I think this is good, practical advice, especially if one is aiming for path attainments. We know that pure, diligent noting works. There is hearsay that those who dilute their Vipassana practice with psychological meanderings are less likely to attain stream entry. But I think the advice to keep the two practices separate is partly because we don't have a lot of experience with melding the two. Modern psychology is a very recent invention.

Here are some questions:

• Do I pass through the nanas (stages of insight) while doing a session of inner child / trauma recovery work?
• Does insight into the three characteristics arise during inner child / trauma recovery work?
• In my daily life, am I oscillating between the dukkha nanas and equanimity, and would this account for mood changes? Sometimes I feel very dark, and other times I feel equanimous. Such moods last for at least a few hours.

 

	Noting	Inner Child / Trauma Recovery Work
Basic activity	Concentrated mindfulness of whatever arises.	Concentrated mindfulness of whatever arises, preferring emotional states.
Sensation	Note	Ignore sensations that are not associated with emotion
Emotional state	Note, then let go of, state	Linger with state, but without clinging. Move with it, extend it compassion, talk to child ("I see you are afraid") and listen for response, etc. Look for next state.
Planning thought, or story about present time	Note and let go of thought	Let go of thought; look for feeling that underlies thought
Superego messages ("this is a waste of time", "this is dangerous")	Note and let go of thought	Extend compassion to child and dialog: "I see you feel very scared. What feels dangerous? What might happen?"
Old stories ("someone is about to attack me", "I am alone")	Usually these do not come up	Listen to story, be mindful of resulting state and/or dialogue with child
Image	Note and let go of image	Direct attention to any feeling triggered by image
Posture	Upright	Collapsed forward and supported by large cushion in front of torso
Motion	Relaxed pulsing and rocking with breath	Can choose to sway, rock, or make gross motions with limbs (pushing, etc.) if such motion seems to follow an urge or allow a holding to relax
Insights	"Oh, the mind works like this!"	"Oh, this emotion which previously felt heavy and embarrassing is simply a natural consequence of something that was previously hidden but is now visible to me!"
Purpose	Notice the three characteristics: anicca, anatta, dukkha	Fully experience repressed emotional states
Ultimate goal	Cut through the illusion of self	Allow the experience of core emptiness

Log 06/07/13

7am One hour inner work. I noticed and dialogued with emotional states as they arose. Craving became predominant. I noticed in a new and deeper way the pain of craving. Rested my attention upon it, noticed the component sensations. Did not inquire what I was craving for--had tried that many times in recent months and not gotten an answer. At one point, I felt like I dropped down into a state of a kind of nothingness and unfamiliarity. This has happened from time to time in recent weeks. This dropping is similar to the dropping I experienced on July 13, 2012 (what Beth said was probably the moment before stream entry), but much less dramatic, and with less nothingness. It's also similar to some state changes I experience during noting meditation. I tried not to search for familiar states such as craving and sadness, but to just be with the nothingness. After maybe 20 seconds I noticed that craving was there "on the side" -- and after maybe another 20 seconds, I realized that the craving was once again predominant. So I then shifted my attention back to that. Arose shortly thereafter; felt more centered in myself than usual.

Log 06/04/13

10:57 a.m. Looking into my experience this moment: predominant sense is "I don't know what I'm doing; I don't know what's happening." I hope this is a good thing.

11:11 I'm doing the wrong thing! I don't know what to do! Really!!! Meanwhile, I'm wasting my life! Being with this. Sadness, sleepiness.

11:27 A moment of overwhelm in my work ... a wave of sadness ... an immediate reaction: "this is really dangerous; I have to pull out of this feeling or it will drown me (I will be unable to work)." Staying with it ... sleepiness quivering desire longing despair ...

11:39 Again.

12:31 Hypothesis via self observation: the sadness is a response to self-criticism.

Pushing away the thing I most desire

Working from home today -- against the rules, without permission. Fear. Taking a break every 25 minutes using FocusBooster; talking to inner child during break. Feeling fear, sadness, anger ... and a sense that I am going to be clobbered from above me and to the right ... and the gnawing, juicy desire in the right jaw. Mom's looking angry above me and to my right. "Why don't you do as you're told?!!!" I am so, so angry! I clench my jaw. Something pleasurable in the upper right throat. I think of pushing her away, but I resist it. What is behind the resistance? I slowly raise my arms to make the pushing motion, attentive to how it feels. As my hand reach waist height, nausea arises. Chest height -- sadness, sleepiness. I am about to push away the person I most desire!!! If I do that ... what then???

I want to send this account to my therapist, T. There is no way I can get it to him before our Monday session -- he only accepts postal mail from me at his Everett office Tues-Thurs. I have a fantasy of finding his residence and sending it there. It is a strong drive: I want to find out his address! What is behind that? I want to feel powerful. I am proud of my ability to find information, and I want to use that ability to feel powerful. I believe that knowledge is power. I feel good when I know something inside out, when I know where things are and how to get places. I want to find T's house, go inside, grab him, and own him.

I want to send this account to him because I want to know where I go with this conundrum. In my early childhood, I both hated and desired my mother. OK, here is my answer. Mom couldn't handle my pushing her away. It caused her to retreat forever, in some sense. But most people are more resilient. It is OK to push away what I desire -- it will still be there for me.

Log 05/24/13

Dream: There was an orienteering "A-meet" I was not attending. I made plans to meet up with a few of the orienteers at a location somewhat distant from the meet site. Rick Breseman, a couple of middle-aged women, others. They talked about how, at this meet, it was hard to find any kind of enjoyable activity outside of the orienteering. We talked about different routes to get places. I met some youngish women, one or two, whom I found attractive and who expressed interest in orienteering; we exchanged phone numbers and I felt some anxiety about how these relationships would proceed. We were in a large room, maybe it was a convention. Some non-orienteers were there. A couple of youngish black men kept trying to overpower me. It was in sort of a friendly way but in also a menacing way, some weird in-between thing. It was kind of like practice-self-defense, but also not practice. I kept fighting and one of my main strategies was biting the men's hands really hard with my back teeth. I would bite hard, but then back off, thinking, "if I keep biting I am really going to mangle this guy's hands". I also thought, "This is such an effective way to inflict pain, why don't people use it more often?" I was frightened but also not. We orienteers piled into a gigantic bus with no seats, just a large platform covered in thick carpet. It was the only vehicle available at the rental car place. Rick drove us on a curvy road and I held on to the thick carpet pile. It was a fun ride; somehow I had no trouble with carsickness.

Had tea yesterday. Awoke this morning without dread.

7am 20 minutes inner child work, sitting on my meditation cushion.

1pm 30 minutes seated silent noting. I tried to notice the nanas. Maybe I saw them. At first, meditation seemed crisp but "ordinary" -- 1st nana? Then, perceptions flowed past me, each its own distinct and fleeting impression -- 4th nana? Then, maybe noticed more aversion than before. Then, a distinct shift, and I my experience was ahead of me, flowing past too fast for me to notice anything. Maybe this is the "noticing the ends of things" -- characteristic of the dukkha nanas. Then, the bell rang. I felt like I was awakening from a state of partial sleep. Didn't notice a lot of sadness or sleepiness. Lots of craving, pulsing.

5pm Session with Kenneth Folk. Gained confidence I could recognize the major nanas; he guided me through equanimity/4th jhana. We talked about my experience leading to stream entry & how I didn't notice extra suffering in the 3rd nana or the dukkha nanas. Also talked about how meditation and psychological work can fit together in one framework (a ladder of increasingly conceptual mind functions). I described, in more detail than before, what happens during my inner child work: that I use strong concentration to tune into physical-emotional states, then inquire of the inner child about the states ("Why are you afraid?") and wait for the answer to arise from the mind in the form of words, images, or impressions. And that, then, I continue to stay tuned into the physical-emotional states as they change in response to the inquiry, and continue the inquiry based upon that.

After making and eating dinner, felt fatigued. Then, 60-90 minutes later, felt physically a bit more energized but emotionally vulnerable. I think it was a caffeine crash from having had tea the day before and the day before that, but, typically, this explanation didn't cross my mind for quite some time. I just noticed suddenly that I was feeling unsafe with E and Z, that (it seemed) I was constantly needing to curtail angry reactions to benign things, such as Z's trying to organize food for our weekend excursion, and E's playful comments on the Krank adventure race map. I went to the attic to dialog with my inner child, but found myself with poor concentration and falling into semi-sleep. Finally, at 11pm, I went to bed.

2:30am Awoke after sleeping restlessly, with frequent spells of bodily anatta (moving my limbs without a sense that "I" was doing it). It dawned on me why this anatta is discombobulating, even as it's a sign of increased meditative insight: it throws off the feedback loop that allows one to decide what action to take next, or whether one's actions are safe and appropriate. I also felt angry and slightly nauseous. Eric wasn't in bed and I used that fact as a target for my anger. I had an unfamiliar mixture of mental/bodily discomforts and couldn't get a handle on what was really happening: was I dehydrated? (had already drunk way more water than usual the night before) Sick? Going through some emotional opening? Got up to express anger to Eric and write this.

Log 05/23/13

6:30 a.m. 55 minutes inner child work. I kept inquiring of my inner child what she wanted and what she felt like:

"Afraid of him! What's he doing here?" (referring to my partner Eric).

"I don't know what to do."
"Why do you have to do anything?"
"I have to do something, otherwise she will hit me or scream at me, saying, 'Why didn't you do what you were supposed to do?'"

During some of the period, I felt a very strong longing for something unknown. I felt it in my right chest and abdomen. I had the sense that I was an infant, crying and pleading and not getting.

Very strong, convincing sense throughout session that I was doing it wrong, that I didn't know what to do.

I spent some time investigating the sense that it's too late for me to change. There is sadness about having wasted my life, and discomfort about admitting that I tried and tried and tried my whole life but just couldn't find a solution.

This session felt like hard work the whole way, and when I was done I didn't feel comfortable or satisfied.

Log 05/22/13

7:30 a.m. 20 minutes inner child work, documented in earlier post today

11:00 a.m. 30 minutes seated silent noting. Felt quite equanimous, even with regard to craving and aversion. Possibly this is related to caffeine consumption: I had black tea yesterday afternoon (something I consume perhaps once/year), then chocolate in the evening, then a hot cocoa this morning. Never noted fear, sadness, or sleepiness. Expanding, releasing, hearing, pulsing, thinking, planning, noting, craving (in right jaw), expanding, releasing ...