9:28 am Just arrived at work. I feel really scared and sad. Specific things on my mind are Eric's business (he just spoke about it with me for our entire hour-long commute) and talking to Dad about caregiving for Mom. Yesterday I felt really down starting when I arrived at the optometrist at 4pm until about 9pm. I meditated (noting) for an hour this morning.
10am Just completed a task efficiently and with ease, using my solid knowledge of perl. Noticed mind automatically trivializing the accomplishment: if I accomplished it, it's therefore automatically a trivial accomplishment. Still feeling scared and sad, but less so.
12:17 Tried to debug annotation deletion. Talked to Dad on phone, success! attributable to my fine diplomacy. Meditated. Gossiped with Julie. Meditated more. Chatted with Rob West, who is being laid off.
12:30 Ate a KitKat. Progress with annotation deletion (has to do with extra_form_fields). Pulsing, sadness, pleasure, hearing ...
12:50 I am chill. It is because I ate a second KitKat, but I believe it is because I have now achieved perfection. Pulsing, hearing, pleasure, pressure, hearing, tingling, tension, pulsing ... (sadness and sleepiness have vanished)
3:49 Still chilling on the KitKats (had a third). Asking self, why am I not content to be with myself this moment? Desire, wanting! Unworthiness to have what I want!
4:09 Much accomplishment today. Still, sadness, desire! To dare greatly!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Inner child journal
10:10am Want to keep working so I will have the satisfaction of accomplishment and be praised. Sad, sleepy. I'm frustrated! Paying attention to these sensations feels like it's the slow road to nowhere. Still, there's something pleasant and wholesome about it.
10:30 Don't want to interrupt the (actually unpleasant) task I was engaged in. But I think that perhaps simply by interrupting myself every 20 minutes, I might avert an accumulated bad feeling that I generally have by the end of the day. Pulsing, heat, sadness, hearing, hearing, expanding, pleasure, hearing, pressure, sadness, sleepiness.
10:41 Brought somewhat frustrating task to a stopping point. I will not go back here until I get fresh insight. Now is the time to take a really good break, like going to get cash at Salal. I feel sad and sleepy when I think of doing that. Tension in the jaw and in the throat. I'm afraid to do it. It feels like leaving Mom.
11:11 Took another 8 minutes for me to get out of here -- then took quite a long time to make my way to Salal and back. I am afraid. My thought is to work on the code to look at prots not yet in Swiss-Prot, but I am afraid it's going to feel bad to work on it. Heat, pulsing, sleepiness, touch, hearing, hearing, release, pulsing, sadness, sleepiness, hearing ...
11:30 Am feeling good about getting into the ProtEval stuff. Sadness, sleepiness, hearing. I resist staying with my feelings. To begin with, when I had all the time in the world to stay with them at Cloud Mountain one week ago, I did not want to. It was very unpleasant. I'm afraid of being alone.
11:50 I sense that this thrice-hourly break is indeed keeping me from getting into an unpleasant mental state. Yay! Even though, each time I take the break, I resist it. It makes me aware of my sadness. And, I suppose, my fear -- since that is likely what leads to sleepiness. Trying, now, to feel the fear between the sadness and the sleepiness.
12:06 Timer not yet, but felt beginnings of frustration. Trying to add a column to the Individual Spectra section of GetPeptide, and it is not trivial. A sql query returns a bunch of columns, but only some are displayed. Others are displayed conditionally. Column data is stored in a data structure called $pep. Resist delving into this structure.
12:16 Resisted by spending 10 minutes looking at family photos sent by Mom's cousin Jeanne.
12:30 Sadness! I'm never going to get what I really want.
12:40 Made a bit of progress on the $pep issue, but it's still murky. Should come back to it later.
2:03 An hour ago, went to eat lunch. Then talked with S about a project; was frustrated that we'd talked about most of the same things just 2.5 weeks ago, before I left on retreat. Then checked FB and now I'm back. I feel sad that I just spent time on FB instead of working to gain approval and acceptance ... need to leave in a little over an hour for my eye appt., too.
2:10 Figuring out $pep issue. Interesting ... attending to my feelings every 20 minutes no longer brings up messages like "there's not enough time", "this is hopeless", "this is dangerous", "you're not doing this right". Or, the messages are much quieter than they were a few months ago. I mostly just feel the sadness and sleepiness, and a bit of a tug to get back to work.
3:17 Time to go! I do feel better than usual at the end of the day. I can see that I accomplished enough. I feel a bit of a tug to stay and get more done, but it's not so bad.
10:30 Don't want to interrupt the (actually unpleasant) task I was engaged in. But I think that perhaps simply by interrupting myself every 20 minutes, I might avert an accumulated bad feeling that I generally have by the end of the day. Pulsing, heat, sadness, hearing, hearing, expanding, pleasure, hearing, pressure, sadness, sleepiness.
10:41 Brought somewhat frustrating task to a stopping point. I will not go back here until I get fresh insight. Now is the time to take a really good break, like going to get cash at Salal. I feel sad and sleepy when I think of doing that. Tension in the jaw and in the throat. I'm afraid to do it. It feels like leaving Mom.
11:11 Took another 8 minutes for me to get out of here -- then took quite a long time to make my way to Salal and back. I am afraid. My thought is to work on the code to look at prots not yet in Swiss-Prot, but I am afraid it's going to feel bad to work on it. Heat, pulsing, sleepiness, touch, hearing, hearing, release, pulsing, sadness, sleepiness, hearing ...
11:30 Am feeling good about getting into the ProtEval stuff. Sadness, sleepiness, hearing. I resist staying with my feelings. To begin with, when I had all the time in the world to stay with them at Cloud Mountain one week ago, I did not want to. It was very unpleasant. I'm afraid of being alone.
11:50 I sense that this thrice-hourly break is indeed keeping me from getting into an unpleasant mental state. Yay! Even though, each time I take the break, I resist it. It makes me aware of my sadness. And, I suppose, my fear -- since that is likely what leads to sleepiness. Trying, now, to feel the fear between the sadness and the sleepiness.
12:06 Timer not yet, but felt beginnings of frustration. Trying to add a column to the Individual Spectra section of GetPeptide, and it is not trivial. A sql query returns a bunch of columns, but only some are displayed. Others are displayed conditionally. Column data is stored in a data structure called $pep. Resist delving into this structure.
12:16 Resisted by spending 10 minutes looking at family photos sent by Mom's cousin Jeanne.
12:30 Sadness! I'm never going to get what I really want.
12:40 Made a bit of progress on the $pep issue, but it's still murky. Should come back to it later.
2:03 An hour ago, went to eat lunch. Then talked with S about a project; was frustrated that we'd talked about most of the same things just 2.5 weeks ago, before I left on retreat. Then checked FB and now I'm back. I feel sad that I just spent time on FB instead of working to gain approval and acceptance ... need to leave in a little over an hour for my eye appt., too.
2:10 Figuring out $pep issue. Interesting ... attending to my feelings every 20 minutes no longer brings up messages like "there's not enough time", "this is hopeless", "this is dangerous", "you're not doing this right". Or, the messages are much quieter than they were a few months ago. I mostly just feel the sadness and sleepiness, and a bit of a tug to get back to work.
3:17 Time to go! I do feel better than usual at the end of the day. I can see that I accomplished enough. I feel a bit of a tug to stay and get more done, but it's not so bad.
Watching the mind let go of a bad habit
I returned Friday from a 2 week retreat with Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder on concentration meditation. Throughout the retreat I gave attention to sensations associated with trauma whenever they presented themselves strongly. At first this felt nourishing, but by day 9 of the retreat I didn't want to meditate and didn't want to look at the trauma sensations, and was left feeling isolated and trapped with the sensations. For the first time, I left a retreat with no desire to do another retreat anytime soon.
During the retreat I read a book on the Enneagram. In the past when I'd read such material, I'd identified myself as a 4, but this time I was beginning to see myself as a 6. People of personality type 6 have a deep desire for security and try to find security by aligning with an authority, an individual, or a group. They may also rebel against authorities, individuals, or groups. However, true security cannot be found by aligning or rebelling; it can only be found within oneself. Thus, these efforts of the 6 often lead to frustration.
Last night, in the middle of sleep, I came into a semi-wakeful state. I observed my mind do a remarkable thing. Some troubling circumstance of my life came to mind (don't remember what). I watched an urge arise to grasp and cling to a particular viewpoint associated with an authority. It was immediately apparent to me that I usually grasp and cling without even noticing the urge, but that in this case I was noticing the urge for perhaps the first time. Referring to what I'd learned about myself by reading about Enneagram type 6, I knew the urge would lead to folly. I let go of the urge. I then felt at sea, with nothing to hold onto. (Not unlike how I felt during my midday meditation of July 13, 2012.) I felt terror. I allowed the terror, and it eventually faded, allowing a sense of security to arise in its place.
I was in awe that my mind took a different direction than was its habit, and that I was able to observe the process in detail. I supposed that this was an after-effect of the retreat, that it was enabled by the resulting spaciousness of mind.
I continued to observe my mind after that, and noticed several similar processes ensue, with diminishing clarity and diminishing letting-go. Eventually I found myself with terror that would not fade. I remembered an instruction from my trauma recovery work: place attention on a part of the body that feels secure. I placed my attention on my right thigh, but the terror didn't diminish. I then fell back asleep.
It is said that insight can arise after a retreat's end. This seemed like an instance of that. It seemed miraculous. It gave me hope.
During the retreat I read a book on the Enneagram. In the past when I'd read such material, I'd identified myself as a 4, but this time I was beginning to see myself as a 6. People of personality type 6 have a deep desire for security and try to find security by aligning with an authority, an individual, or a group. They may also rebel against authorities, individuals, or groups. However, true security cannot be found by aligning or rebelling; it can only be found within oneself. Thus, these efforts of the 6 often lead to frustration.
Last night, in the middle of sleep, I came into a semi-wakeful state. I observed my mind do a remarkable thing. Some troubling circumstance of my life came to mind (don't remember what). I watched an urge arise to grasp and cling to a particular viewpoint associated with an authority. It was immediately apparent to me that I usually grasp and cling without even noticing the urge, but that in this case I was noticing the urge for perhaps the first time. Referring to what I'd learned about myself by reading about Enneagram type 6, I knew the urge would lead to folly. I let go of the urge. I then felt at sea, with nothing to hold onto. (Not unlike how I felt during my midday meditation of July 13, 2012.) I felt terror. I allowed the terror, and it eventually faded, allowing a sense of security to arise in its place.
I was in awe that my mind took a different direction than was its habit, and that I was able to observe the process in detail. I supposed that this was an after-effect of the retreat, that it was enabled by the resulting spaciousness of mind.
I continued to observe my mind after that, and noticed several similar processes ensue, with diminishing clarity and diminishing letting-go. Eventually I found myself with terror that would not fade. I remembered an instruction from my trauma recovery work: place attention on a part of the body that feels secure. I placed my attention on my right thigh, but the terror didn't diminish. I then fell back asleep.
It is said that insight can arise after a retreat's end. This seemed like an instance of that. It seemed miraculous. It gave me hope.
Monday, March 11, 2013
My meditation practice now
Below is a status report I just wrote for my meditation mentor, Beth Resnick-Folk.
In December I formulated an intention to make 2013 a year of silence. This is how it's happened so far: I've been taking most weekends in silence, but not any weekdays. I've done silent weekends enough times that it now seems like the new normal. I tell my housemates my intention, then keep my weekend as free of commitments as possible. Often there are 1 or 2 low-key scheduled activities, like shopping at the produce stand or helping an elderly neighbor do some household task (I'm part of a volunteer network that does these things). The rest of the time I mostly spend in my attic. I do a mix of meditation, inner child & trauma recovery work, hatha yoga, and reading, as I feel called to do. My priority is to be gentle with myself.
As for my meditation: sometimes I do concentration practice, and sometimes I do noting practice. And occasionally I "just sit". Noting has mostly seemed boring lately. I didn't realize how boring it had become until I had a session a couple weeks ago where I had a couple of insights, and that reminded me of how interesting it can be.
My weekday sitting practice is fairly irregular. Some weekdays I do not sit at all. Most weekdays I practice between 15 minutes and an hour. Occasionally more.
Sometimes when I'm walking I'll do Bentinho's "drop your stories for 2-5 seconds" practice ... over and over again. It's remarkable how, when I drop the stories, all suffering ceases, and sensations that had previously seemed unpleasant are perceived as neutral. Pretty handy!
I have 4 weeks of vacation this year, and I had in mind that I'd do a 2 week retreat in the spring, and 2 weeks in the fall. For the spring, I decided to do Tina [Rasumussen] and Stephen [Snyder]'s retreat because I have such positive memories of the first time I did 2 weeks with them. I am trying to go in with no expectations, though. In particular, although it's a jhana retreat, and although I attained jhana the last time I did the retreat, I don't have my sights set on jhana this time. The jhana they teach is much more difficult to attain than what Kenneth [Folk] teaches. The previous time I did their retreat, I pushed myself pretty hard. This time, I intend to take a much more gentle and lenient approach. This retreat starts March 23 -- in 12 days. Lately I've been doing concentration practice almost exclusively in preparation for this retreat.
Occasionally, while doing concentration practice, I've practiced Kenneth's jhanas. I'm fairly confident about the first four, but the second four I'm quite uncertain about.
I have a gentle intention to resume dedicated noting practice on my return from this retreat. I'll see how I feel after retreat.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Busy-ness
My housemate Zarina forwarded to me a couple of articles dealing with the subject of busy-ness. With the fact that many in our culture are so very busy, and that this is an escape from actually being present in our lives.
When people (such as these writers) talk about busy-ness, what are they actually referring to? Having one's life scheduled in advance? Our lives are completely scheduled on meditation retreat, but we don't call that busy-ness. Is it better to have unscheduled time so that one can accept spontaneous invitations? One busy-ness commentator seemed to be suggesting this -- yet why were the spontaneous activities (having drinks with friends, for example) preferable to the activities his busy friends have scheduled (taking classes, political activism, working within one's career)?
It seems that one's life can be completely booked, yet one can still be present for those activities. Conversely, one can have a fairly open schedule, yet not be present for one's life.
I can think of two good friends who I think of as particularly busy. They are on the go from dawn until dusk. I do not know either of them to ever take what I think of as "down time" -- going about things slowly, letting the mind relax. They both seem to always be trying to accomplish goals, even during presumably relaxing social time. One, I think, has a character disorder. The other, I think, really loves accomplishing stuff, really values all the things that she creates -- yet, I do think that she, like the first, is uncomfortable just being with herself.
Lately I have tried to drastically unbusy my life. I have been accepting very few social invitations. I have been spending most of my weekends in a kind of retreat (perhaps going to the produce stand or the library, or eating meals with housemates while they converse and I stay silent, but mostly staying in my attic meditating, doing trauma recovery work, or doing hatha yoga). I want to really give myself a chance to experience myself, as much as possible -- not just one or two hours a day, but many hours a day.
When people (such as these writers) talk about busy-ness, what are they actually referring to? Having one's life scheduled in advance? Our lives are completely scheduled on meditation retreat, but we don't call that busy-ness. Is it better to have unscheduled time so that one can accept spontaneous invitations? One busy-ness commentator seemed to be suggesting this -- yet why were the spontaneous activities (having drinks with friends, for example) preferable to the activities his busy friends have scheduled (taking classes, political activism, working within one's career)?
It seems that one's life can be completely booked, yet one can still be present for those activities. Conversely, one can have a fairly open schedule, yet not be present for one's life.
I can think of two good friends who I think of as particularly busy. They are on the go from dawn until dusk. I do not know either of them to ever take what I think of as "down time" -- going about things slowly, letting the mind relax. They both seem to always be trying to accomplish goals, even during presumably relaxing social time. One, I think, has a character disorder. The other, I think, really loves accomplishing stuff, really values all the things that she creates -- yet, I do think that she, like the first, is uncomfortable just being with herself.
Lately I have tried to drastically unbusy my life. I have been accepting very few social invitations. I have been spending most of my weekends in a kind of retreat (perhaps going to the produce stand or the library, or eating meals with housemates while they converse and I stay silent, but mostly staying in my attic meditating, doing trauma recovery work, or doing hatha yoga). I want to really give myself a chance to experience myself, as much as possible -- not just one or two hours a day, but many hours a day.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Inner child journal 02/28/13
Again, checking in with my infant child-state every 20 minutes and whenever I feel the urge to distract myself: feeling the sensations in the right torso/throat that I associate with this state, then noticing how I respond.
11:11am Fullness, pulsing, slight sadness, slight sleepiness. No strong messages that it's not safe.
12:09 just ate 3-4 thin mints b/c was hungry and Eric wasn't ready to go to lunch yet. Sensations are similar to previous checkin. Thoughts: "where is this going? I have no idea! This is a complete adventure! I'm a little afraid/anxious ... it's impossible to feel viscerally happy about this because I have absolutely no idea what's coming next ... although there is faith that it's something better than what I've had in the past."
8:02 pm In the middle of working on this project, wanted to distract myself. Feeling are: full breaths with ribcage expanding outward; tightness/quivering in lower right throat; tingling in hands, arms, legs; slight nausea; slight lightheadedness from hyperventilation; slight movement in the jaw; urge to act in the arms (I've been examining and taking notes for 4 minutes now; thought appears "I should be working"); shoulders move back and down repetitively; torso rocking back and forth (thought: "this is going nowhere, this can only go to a bad place, I am going to get stuck") ... face set in a scornful scowl, head tipped slightly down and to the left. Quitting this focused observation at 8:11. Intend to go back to work but staying somewhat aware of these feelings.
11:11am Fullness, pulsing, slight sadness, slight sleepiness. No strong messages that it's not safe.
12:09 just ate 3-4 thin mints b/c was hungry and Eric wasn't ready to go to lunch yet. Sensations are similar to previous checkin. Thoughts: "where is this going? I have no idea! This is a complete adventure! I'm a little afraid/anxious ... it's impossible to feel viscerally happy about this because I have absolutely no idea what's coming next ... although there is faith that it's something better than what I've had in the past."
8:02 pm In the middle of working on this project, wanted to distract myself. Feeling are: full breaths with ribcage expanding outward; tightness/quivering in lower right throat; tingling in hands, arms, legs; slight nausea; slight lightheadedness from hyperventilation; slight movement in the jaw; urge to act in the arms (I've been examining and taking notes for 4 minutes now; thought appears "I should be working"); shoulders move back and down repetitively; torso rocking back and forth (thought: "this is going nowhere, this can only go to a bad place, I am going to get stuck") ... face set in a scornful scowl, head tipped slightly down and to the left. Quitting this focused observation at 8:11. Intend to go back to work but staying somewhat aware of these feelings.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Inner child journal
Time to try this again ... starting now at 1pm this February Wednesday.
1:01 scared; I shouldn't be doing this. Sadness in chest. Sensations are full, rounded, pulsing. I think there is excitement and pleasure, too, but as soon as I acknowledge this, I get scared. What if I cry? How can I work and feel these things?
1:10 The same big feelings as I delve into my work, which is complicated and opaque. Urge to distract self. What if I fail at this task? Easier not to look at it.
1:30 Just finished the most daunting aspect of the project. Since previous entry, I found a way to tidily do just the necessary aspect. Then I implemented it, and it worked right away. Now going to visit Eric. He phoned about 15 minutes ago asking if I'd like his company for lunch just then. I said I wasn't ready yet, and he invited me to call when I was ready. Most likely I will now need to expend effort to regain his attention. I feel sad, resentful, resigned. How can I make this into a different story? Can I enjoy offering Eric my patience? There must be something I really like about the current story!
2:25 Back from lunch with Eric. Took no effort to regain his attention. Talked about his project while I ate. Was pleasant, satisfying. Now I feel pleasant/neutral.
2:36 A little sadness, a little fear ... but rounded, full, pleasant. Am feeling relaxed about this project.
2:51 For a half second, resisted coming back to this. Slight sadness/sleepiness ... vaguely want to distract self with food or internet, but not strongly ... still the rounded, full, pulsing sensations. When I think, "let's just stay here & not go back to work," the mind counters, "this is empty, going nowhere". But this message is much weaker than it has been in the past. I feel some curiosity.
3:28 I think I just spent a bunch of time distracting myself. Looked up other works by M. Scott Peck. Read an entertaining email from a co-worker and followed the links provided. Checked my texts and VM. I wonder how long I was doing this? I last saved my computer script at 2:59, so at most a half hour. Bringing attention back to the inner child ... let's try to work and keep the attention there.
3:50 I don't know where this is going ... I don't know if this is worth it ... what is this? is there anything worthwhile here?
4:10 did some twists for a minute. Listened to the child with effortful curiosity. Then Mom called to ask me the names of my brothers and sisters.
4:45 ... then, some FB and chat with cousin Anne. Another 30 minutes evaporated!
4:51 a 2 minute interaction with Luis regarding sandwich cookies. Then ... asking child what she wants. First: "I can't possibly have what I want!" Then ... "Kill my mother!" Then, noticed sleepiness. Then tried to notice the excitement before sleepiness. When I notice the excitement, I think, "Where could this possibly go that isn't a disaster?!"
5:08 time to get ready to leave. I don't feel depleted! I feel content. A little sad/yearning feeling. A little sleepy. But not depleted!!!
1:01 scared; I shouldn't be doing this. Sadness in chest. Sensations are full, rounded, pulsing. I think there is excitement and pleasure, too, but as soon as I acknowledge this, I get scared. What if I cry? How can I work and feel these things?
1:10 The same big feelings as I delve into my work, which is complicated and opaque. Urge to distract self. What if I fail at this task? Easier not to look at it.
1:30 Just finished the most daunting aspect of the project. Since previous entry, I found a way to tidily do just the necessary aspect. Then I implemented it, and it worked right away. Now going to visit Eric. He phoned about 15 minutes ago asking if I'd like his company for lunch just then. I said I wasn't ready yet, and he invited me to call when I was ready. Most likely I will now need to expend effort to regain his attention. I feel sad, resentful, resigned. How can I make this into a different story? Can I enjoy offering Eric my patience? There must be something I really like about the current story!
2:25 Back from lunch with Eric. Took no effort to regain his attention. Talked about his project while I ate. Was pleasant, satisfying. Now I feel pleasant/neutral.
2:36 A little sadness, a little fear ... but rounded, full, pleasant. Am feeling relaxed about this project.
2:51 For a half second, resisted coming back to this. Slight sadness/sleepiness ... vaguely want to distract self with food or internet, but not strongly ... still the rounded, full, pulsing sensations. When I think, "let's just stay here & not go back to work," the mind counters, "this is empty, going nowhere". But this message is much weaker than it has been in the past. I feel some curiosity.
3:28 I think I just spent a bunch of time distracting myself. Looked up other works by M. Scott Peck. Read an entertaining email from a co-worker and followed the links provided. Checked my texts and VM. I wonder how long I was doing this? I last saved my computer script at 2:59, so at most a half hour. Bringing attention back to the inner child ... let's try to work and keep the attention there.
3:50 I don't know where this is going ... I don't know if this is worth it ... what is this? is there anything worthwhile here?
4:10 did some twists for a minute. Listened to the child with effortful curiosity. Then Mom called to ask me the names of my brothers and sisters.
4:45 ... then, some FB and chat with cousin Anne. Another 30 minutes evaporated!
4:51 a 2 minute interaction with Luis regarding sandwich cookies. Then ... asking child what she wants. First: "I can't possibly have what I want!" Then ... "Kill my mother!" Then, noticed sleepiness. Then tried to notice the excitement before sleepiness. When I notice the excitement, I think, "Where could this possibly go that isn't a disaster?!"
5:08 time to get ready to leave. I don't feel depleted! I feel content. A little sad/yearning feeling. A little sleepy. But not depleted!!!
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