The Boss

Examining compulsion to get stuff done at work. What do I come in to work looking for? What causes the afternoon disappointment? I think I'm looking for approval. I have set up an elaborate internal system to give myself approval based on a set of rules. The same system gives punishment. I imagine that The Boss is doling these out. But The Boss is an imaginary boss, and his behavior only vaguely matches my real boss's actual behavior. Approval comes when I check things off the list, especially things that I know my real boss or team leader will like.

If I take time to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, I imagine that The Boss berates me for wasting time.

If I take time to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, and let go of the thought process supporting the elaborate approval/punishment system, there is so much empty space that it's frightening.

<later same day>

Looking at the empty space ... why am I not curious, excited? Self-doubt. "I've been so wrong in the past ... had hope when it wasn't warranted ... if I stay open to this space, I'm going to do something foolish, laughable, regretable."

Anger as suppressed desire

When I'm experiencing and working with anger in a psychotherapy session, I'm usually quite uncomfortable, and often this thought comes to mind: "There's no use! It's no use! What's the point?"

Occurred to me this morning during walking meditation that the source of this thought is desire. That an element of the anger is suppressed desire. It's suppressed because I learned long ago that certain desires would not be fulfilled, despite my most fervent wishes and earnest efforts. Now I am looking forward to feeling that desire and learning more about it. What am I desiring?